A S H E S {4}
ACOTAR fanfiction, Cassian x Nesta. Modern AU, in Velaris.
Summary: Cassian gets injured in battle and the scars are permanent, leaving him forced to go home to Velaris. Although he’s happy to be home with his family and friends, being back proves to be far more difficult than he expected.
A/N: And so it continues.
Fanfic Masterlist
It had been a long week.
Cassian had gone to Velaris High every day right when the school day started and spent all day in his office, learning plays and about his team. Practices went well. The kids were all well behaved and respected him greatly.
He was actually enjoying himself.
It was Friday afternoon, the hot sun still high in the sky as practiced wrapped up.
“Alright,” Cassian said, loudly, in the huddle. “Next Friday is our first game. We’ve come a long way this week. Everyone’s doing great. Have a good weekend, don’t make too many bad decisions.” A few of the grins on his team's faces told him that direction would be ignored. “I’ll see you all Monday.”
They put their helmets up in the air, clustered together, and shouted Vikings before they dispersed off the field and into the locker room.
Cassian turned around to clean up the equipment on the sidelines to find a visitor sitting on the bench.
“Come to admire the coach?” He asked.
Nesta rolled her eyes. “I came to tell the coach that he’s full of himself.”
Cassian chuckled. “Fair enough. Going out with your sisters tonight?”
She sighed. “Yeah. Feyre got a sitter, so it’s just the three of us, which hasn’t happened in forever. What are the boys doing?”
“Sitting at the apartment, drinking.”
Nesta laughed. “So, some things haven’t changed.”
Cassian grinned. “No, except now it’s legal and we don’t have to sneak the beer past our parents.”
Nesta laughed, a twinkle in her eyes. “That was fun.”
“Yeah,” Cassian said, voice becoming gentler. “It was.”
“I’m picking you up at eight tomorrow, by the way.”
Cassian froze from where he was putting a football into a giant drawstring bag. “What?”
“Our date.”
“No, I know, but...I mean, I was planning on picking you up.”
Nesta stood, brushing off her violet skirt. “Too manly to break tradition?”
“I-no-“
“Then I’ll see you at eight,” she said, a grin on her pink lips. “Bye, Nazari.”
Cassian didn’t move, didn’t say goodbye as he watched her walk off the field and disappear behind the bleachers.
———
“You and Nesta? A date? It’s about damn time.”
Rhysand was lying on the carpet of Azriel’s living room, already feeling the whiskey.
Cassian shrugged from his seat on the couch. “She seems excited about it. Well, as excited as Nesta can get.”
Azriel huffed a laugh before downing the rest of his bottle. “She even told Elain about it. That’s saying something.”
“Thinking about you and Elain,” Cassian began, “when are you gonna pop the question?”
Azriel looked away as the tips of his ears turned pink. “I don’t know. Soon. Maybe.”
“Being married is the best,” Rhys slurred. “Especially when your wife is a freak, like mine.”
Cassian rolled his eyes. “I’m sure Feyre will be pleased to hear such a compliment.”
Rhysand just laughed before popping open another bottle. “I’m just saying. There’s nothing better than promising yourself to your soulmate. One person who knows you better than anyone. And, you can have sex whenever you want.”
“Az already does that,” Cassian winked, sending Azriel’s ears into chaos again.
“Anyways, we were talking about you and Nesta,” Azriel said, clearing his throat.
Cassian shook his head. “Nothing more to say.”
Azriel And Rhys exchanged a glance.
“Since when did you become so….private?” Rhys asked, wiggling his eyebrows as he dragged out the last word.
Cassian wasn’t sure how to answer that, although he doubted Rhysand would even remember asking the question when the morning arrived.
He had become private, in his time away. Not at first, exactly, but over time. As time had gone on, Cassian had hardened, slowly, more and more. Although he was good at putting on a light, carefree show, he didn’t open up as he once did.
Cassian shrugged. “Not being private, there’s just nothing more to say.”
Azriel tossed his empty bottle onto the rug. “You two were the couple everyone thought would get together after high school, get married, have kids…”
Cassian pulled out his phone, scrolling through his newsfeed when he said, “So?”
“I’m just saying,” Azriel began, opening a new bottle and bringing it to his lips. “It’s not like this is some random girl you’re taking on a date. It’s Nesta. There’s history there.”
Rhysand nodded and mumbled his agreement.
They were right, of course. It wasn’t a normal first date. There was history. They had been best friends all through high school, and he had fallen in love with her during their senior year. They’d talked about starting something, but then Cassian had joined the army, and that was that.
“It’s like picking up on the tenth date,” Rhysand followed, blinking rapidly. “You gonna take her back to her place? Invite yourself inside? Get some?”
Cassian sat down his phone and took a drink. “Get some?”
“Sex,” he whispered, making Azriel chuckle and Cassian roll his eyes.
“Thank you, dumbass,” Cassian said. “I don’t plan on getting any.”
Rhysand frowned, looking into his bottle to find it empty, completely forgetting he was a part of the conversation.
“Do you think Nesta thinks that?” Cassian asked, looking to Azriel. “That it’s like starting on the tenth date? Has Elain said anything?”
“No.” Azriel shook his head. “Just that she’s excited.”
Cassian nodded, hoping the subject would be dropped.
Rhysand soon found humor in his hands, which he randomly thought to be massive, sending Azriel into a laughing fit of his own.
He’d have to cut them both off soon. Either cut them off, or watch them make fools of themselves.
The latter sounded more fun.
But Cassian couldn’t drink anymore.
He couldn’t do much of anything.
Because now he was nervous as hell for his date with Nesta.
_______
It was almost eight o clock and Cassian was staring at the handful of outfits he had in his bag. Shopping for something new would’ve been a good idea...if he’d thought of it two hours earlier. He would’ve borrowed something from Azriel, but all of his clothes were too tight.
So, that left Cassian to stare at his shit while wearing nothing but his raggedy old boxers.
Sighing, he grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled them on, just as she knocked on the door.
“Coming!” He called, then cursed under his breath. His choices included an old Velaris High tee shirt and a long-sleeved, plain black tee.
He chose the black one, barely getting it over his head before the door pushed open.
Nesta stood in the threshold, a red dress tightly fitted against her body, long-sleeved, reaching her mid-thigh. With her heels, she was nearly as tall as he was. Her hair was down in long, loose curls.
He raised a brow at her, pulling his shirt down to the hem of his jeans. “Still impatient, I see.”
She shrugged. “Patient people never get shit done.”
Cassian huffed a laugh, shaking his head. “I guess not.”
After grabbing his wallet and slipping on his boots, they were out the door of Azriel’s apartment and hitting the streets of Velaris.
“Where are you taking me?” she asked.
Cassian chuckled. “You picked me up, remember? Haven’t you planned our lovely evening?”
She gave him a sidelong glance. “Expected me to do all the work, did you?”
His grin widened as he offered her his arm. “Don’t worry. I’ve got big plans.”
She slipped her arm through his with an eye roll. “Mother help us.”
He led her down the Sidra, the sinking sun causing the clear blue water to sparkle. There was a small dancefloor set up just outside of the artists’ corner, surrounded by old wooden tables and local vendors. String lights were hung above the dance floor as they all awaited the appearance of the captivating starlight.
“Care to give dancing another chance?” He asked, leading her onto the floor.
The music was soft, coming for a string quartet sitting off to the side. The last time they had danced, the evening had taken a turn for the worse.
But Cassian felt perfectly comfortable as he took Nesta in his arms and swayed back and forth to the sweet sound of the violin.
They danced for hours. Cassian had completely forgotten about his hunger as they talked and laughed. He hadn’t laughed so much in a long time.
This was his childhood best friend. The only person to understand him. Yes, it was different, but it didn’t all have to be different. They had almost begun something before he left a decade ago, they should have begun something. Then again, it had been ten years. Ten years was a long time. How much did he really know about Nesta archeron? The woman, not the girl he’d known so long ago.
“You look like your deep in thought,” Nesta said, voice quiet, as they swayed back and forth.
“I’m not the same person I was, Nesta,” he said. He tried not to sound bitter, tried not to sound hurt, but failed.
The rare smile she had began to fade. “I know that. Neither am I.”
“Exactly,” he said, his hand tightening around hers. “What do we really know about each other? After all this time?”
She shook her head. “Isn’t that what we’re doing here? Finding out?”
Cassian let out a breath.
“I’m not stupid, Cassian,” she began, coming to a halt and stepping back. “I know full well that we’re not the same kids we were at eighteen.”
Cassian didn’t know what to say. He had a million thoughts running through his mind that he couldn’t quite sort. “I didn’t mean to imply that you were stupid.”
She shook her head. “Maybe this is a mistake. Yeah? Maybe you’re not ready for this. Maybe you need time-“
“Don’t fucking tell me what I need,” Cassian spat.
Nesta’s lips snapped shut into a straight line. Without another word, she turned on her heels and walked away.
Every other couple on the dance floor was left looking awkwardly at Cassian.
After a long string of quiet curses, Cassian followed.
Nesta had grabbed her clutch and sweater and began to walk back toward Azriel’s apartment, where her car was parked.
“Nesta!” Cassian called after her.
She didn’t stop.
Cassian shoved his hands in his pockets as he followed her down the boardwalk of the Sidra.
“NES, stop!” He called.
She didn’t.
As onlookers followed his movements, Cassian ran. Once he caught up with her, he grabbed her hand.
She halted, although she wasn’t too pleased about it. “What.”
“I’m sorry.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah? About what?”
Cassian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I…”
Nothing else came out and Nesta let out a long, slow breath. “I know, you’ve been through a lot. I get it.”
“But you don’t get it,” Cassian said. “And I don’t expect you to. You will never get it, none of you will. Only I understand. Me, alone. And that fucking sucks. I hate it, Nesta. I hate the memories I have, hate the feelings that overcome me out of nowhere. I hate that I wake up in a pool of my own sweat every night and can’t hear loud noises without panicking. I hate that the sight of fire, or blood, has me feeling sick to my stomach. I hate that I can’t take you on a proper date without ruining it. Okay? I hate it, and you deserve better. At least...at least let me walk you back to Az’s.”
She shook her head. “Cass-“
“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he said, unable to control the words flowing out of his mouth. “But I don’t need time, Nes. Time...I’m terrified of time. Terrified of my thoughts, terrified of tomorrow, okay? I’m scared shitless. I-“
“Okay,” Nesta breathed, her palm resting against his stubbled cheek as the words flowed out of him without a pause.
“I’m scared,” he whispered, and there was no shame in it. Terror lit his hazel eyes and it was then that Nesta realized just how little she did understand of this new Cassian, this 28-year-old man that she had seen so little of in the past decade. He was right. They were strangers, strangers resting on the foundation of the kids they used to be.
“It’s okay,” she said, promised. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I promise.”
He nodded, although he didn’t truly believe her.
He wouldn’t blame her if she left, if he scared her away. He was fighting an army of demons within himself, and that was enough to terrify anyone.
Himself included.
But she simply took his hand and led him slowly down the boardwalk, back to Azriel's apartment.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she promised.
Cassian wasn’t sure what he and Nesta were, or what they were going to be. But, he had a feeling at that moment that whatever they were, it was good.
In that moment, he felt a rare sense of peace sweep over him.
He held her hand a little tighter.