a/n: it’s been awhile since i’ve written anything so please be gentle and i hope you like it !!
it’s been three years. and oddly enough, he could not feel the weight of your absence even after so long. how could he when traces of you were littered around his home—somehow it still felt like one.
taking a sip of his lukewarm tea, kita watched the stars glistened ever so bright from his balcony. maybe, somewhere deep within his heart, he knew it will work out in the end. as his grandma would always say, ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be’.
of course, he could tell she was affected by your missing presence when she called out your name each time she wanted an orange peeled. perhaps, he even found himself pouring an extra cup of tea whenever he was lost in thought.
you were always present in the little routine they had in their life, and even after three years, even if grandma stops calling you and kita stops grabbing another cup, somehow he could still vividly feel the love you left for him in bits and pieces of memories stored in his precious cookie tin (the same one you used to keep scraps of scribbled poems and letters).
kita loved you, so much so that he realized he might even love the you who he have yet to meet after three years. all he could do was pray to the stars that always accompanied him through the night.
“i wish. . .”
“don’t you want to know too?”
kita raised a brow at your sudden question, the pen he was diligently using to scribble down notes lifted only for a mere second before he continued where he left off.
“know of?”
“who is going to sit at your grave and talk to you for hours. you know? that kind of thing.”
your feet swung in unison to the tone of your voice while the sparkle in your eyes was brimmed with so much curiosity, he wondered if only you had given the same amount of attention to your studies as you would then also be at the top of your class.
“was that all yer thinking about this whole time?”
“maybe?”
you grinned like an innocent child caught playing around instead of doing their homework.
“would you?”
kita wanted to answer you only after you have finished your work, but just the thought of knowing you will never be by his side again somehow didn’t sit well with him. his heart felt an itch he wasn’t familiar with, and yet through this unfamiliarity did he realize how much of your presence occupied his heart.
“would yer want me to?”
he looked up at your surprised face, a fond smile dotted along his lips when he noticed soft hues of red dusted on the tip of your ears.
“that would be romantic but i feel like you would just be nagging over my dead body if you’re going to talk for hours.”
a sweet chuckle left his lips at your accusation, one in which he found it to be quite endearing. did that meant you had envision growing old with him?
“i think that does sound nice.”
you gasped in the most exaggerated manner you could master as your hand covered your mouth.
“are you saying it’s nice that i’m going to die first?”
sometimes he wondered what goes on in that head of yours, yet it amused him how you would always bring pockets of joy into his life.
“i’m saying it’ll be nice to grow old together with yer.”
it’s been three years. and oddly enough, you found yourself still holding onto a cup of tea as you watched the faint twinkle of stars hanging in the night sky. from time to time, you would doodle random rice grain on your scripts and even peel an extra orange out of habit.
it was in those little moments did you realize how much of his routine had stuck with you even if you stubbornly refused to follow through it. and in the absence of his presence, you found yourself struggling to keep in touch with reality, for you had never known how he was always the one anchoring you so you would not lost your way back.
sometimes you wondered if it was worth it. moving to a new city, starting afresh and chasing a dream you still was not quite sure of. it was everything you ever wanted, yes, and the more you shared it with everyone you love, the more you believe in it. the more others tried to tell you otherwise, the more certain you were towards it.
yet, somewhere deep within your heart, you knew that if nothing worked out, there was still a place you could return to. you just had a feeling that even if the world were to end the next day, you would still find yourself wanting to be in the comfort of his arms.
a saying you often heard by someone precious to you, ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be.’ and you believe in it. after all, whatever happens will happen. perhaps, maybe the only thing you could do was pray to the little shimmers above you that had been the light to your dark days.
“i wish. . .”
“yer sure?”
you nodded firmly, albeit the nervousness bubbling in the pits of your stomach at your decision.
atsumu hummed a little too loud, making you shushed him in panic.
“and for how long?”
“three to maybe five years?”
the lad almost blew your cover if you had not reacted quick enough by covering his loud mouth with your hand.
“yer crazy?!”
he whispered-yelled after prying your hand away.
“i don’t know, am i?”
the blonde could not believe the question (even if it was rhetorical) that left your lips.
“did captain say anything about it?”
your silence explained the whole situation as to why you even have to pull him towards the old gym and away from prying eyes.
“did yer think he wouldn’t understand?”
you shook your head, suddenly feeling ashamed of your actions even when you had thought about it a thousand and more times.
“he would. i know he would be supportive and that’s the thing…”
if the whole world was against you, you knew he would still be the one to hold your hand gently and tell you how it’ll be all okay because he just know that was what you needed to hear.
“i don’t want him to say that it’s okay if i’m not by his side. i know i’m being selfish and unreasonable, but i don’t want him to let me go even if i need him to.”
if only you had known.
“i’m sorry i was too late.”
if only he had been more selfish.
“yer still made it.”
with your eyes darting towards the ceiling in hopes to keep those waves of frustration and sorrow back, a tear or two still slipped from the corner of your eyes as you stubbornly refused to blink them away.
“why…did it have to be this way?”
the words trembled along with your fingers that held the last thing you ever wanted to hold in your life, even if you knew it was inevitable.
“yer would think she said that because she knew?”
oh god, just the thought of her words echoing along with the memories you shared together was enough to bring you down. your heart ached so much as the sight of her smile in the small photo frame in front of you.
‘if it’s meant to be, it will be.’
you wanted to at least make her proud with all her constant nagging of wanting to meet her grandchildren, yet had you known her time was numbered, perhaps you would never leave in the first place.
“i didn’t know—”
“—no one knew what will happen in the future—”
“—two years! it was only two more years i could’ve—”
with gentle arms soothing your back, you spilled every regret, frustration and pain into his shoulder as if everything was a lie. as if this was all a bad dream and you’ll wake up tomorrow studying for your final exams. before you made the stupid decision to leave, to just disappear without a goodbye, and maybe she will still be here nagging for you two to get married soon.
“did she say anything?”
your red puffy eyes did nothing to hinder your nimble fingers as you peeled an orange with ease.
“about yer?”
you nodded, gently placing the finished one next to the alter before proceeding to peel another one.
kita watched as you did what you would always do back in the days, and somehow he could feel the tears prickling the corner of his eyes at the endearing sight of you he had been constantly replying in his mind so he wouldn’t forget. like a routine he wished to be able to relive again.
naturally, he took another teacup and poured you some tea as you broke the orange in half for him.
“she said if yer coming back, she wants to be the first to see us get married.”
you hummed.
“and that she hope yer would stop feeling guilty for leaving because she knew about yer dream.”
you nodded and for once, finally tore your eyes away from her to the stars in front of the balcony.
“i wish we could have just stayed together from the start. even though that wasn’t the initial wish i kept praying.”
kita couldn’t help but chuckle knowing you still had the habit of saying your wishes aloud. his gaze softened at the way you laid right by his side so effortlessly, as if your absence never happened. perhaps, he knew all along that even if it took ten years for you to come back, it would still feel right. you would still fit perfectly like a mold you made him out to be where it’s only right if it’s you.
“yer weren’t the only one praying to the stars, but i guess i would also wish yer were here with me from the start. at least,”
tightening his arms around your frame, he decided it wouldn’t be so bad to be selfish for once.
“i know yer would be here until the end.”
“yes, until we grow old and wrinkly.”
“even if i nag at yer grave for hours?”
you chuckled at the old memory he just had to remind you of. seriously, you couldn’t believe he still remembered something so silly.
“even if you nag in front of our kids and grandkids, i would still love you nonetheless.”
