#talkingaboutstuff

[thetarotman]

Checking in with you

[scottiedeetigert-blog]

Photo A Day(10)#SmileEveryone. Well almost everyone #MeetingOfTheMinds over a little #TestKitchen #Dinner and a good time was had by all. Heres a #Toast... #ToYouToMeToUs @denver_max @im_not_delfeen @katrinkad47 @e250bopper #TalkingAboutStuff and #Roadkill #GoodTimes #PhotoADay #Photo2Day (at Kansas City, Missouri)

[theliz25]

Theater...

I've always been dramatic.  I've always been drawn to musicals.  I remember being little and being OBSESSED with the movie version of Annie.  I would cry so hard at the end, and I'm not sure why.  I think, looking back, I was sad because it was over.  Either way, I loved anything musical.  It had to do with my grandmother, or Nana as we called her, and her love of theater.  She took me to see Sound of Music, Kismet, Fiddler On The Roof...and, I guess I just never forgot that influence.  

I've been feeling, lately, that something has been really missing in my life, and that something is theater.  I moved here to experience the Big City, and really, I haven't.  Not in the ways that would allow me to really have Big City experiences. And, you know, Portland isn't the biggest city, ever, but we've got lots of amazing theater here, and I can probably count the number of shows I've seen on both of my hands.  How's that for a theater nerd?

I think what I really miss, though, is being a part of theater.  I miss the camaraderie, and that sense of urgency.  You are with these people for 6 weeks of intense time, and then after it's over, it's like you've been shot out of a canon with all of these unfamiliar faces you haven't seen in a while, and you're just supposed to acclimate back into that world. I LOVE that intensity. I love theater magic, and backstage crushes, and tears and laughter and late-night shenanigans that are hilarious stories for later.  I love the bonding that happens backstage, especially during tech, and the stories that you will ALWAYS share with those people.

My first show was a show called Hotel by Caryl Churchill.  I was so new to theater, and to that world, I had no idea what to expect. I went in thinking I'd do this show, have a good time, and go back to my world with my old friends.  That didn't happen to me at all. I fell in love with those people. I really feel like I actually fell in love.  It was so intense, and so insane, and so beautiful and painful...it was love.  I still am SO CLOSE with a ton of those people from that show.  In fact, three of the closest people in the world to me were a part of that show.  That says something about what theater is, I think.  How creativity really breeds bonding and a need to find others who are like you.  Even if you are friends for 6 weeks, you had 6 weeks together. And, to me, that's beautiful.

I think that's why I've been in such a Broadway mood lately.  I mean, there's nothing wrong sitting around listening to showtunes, shit, I do it all the time.  But, lately, it's become like a need and a desire that I can't really squelch.  I just need the songs, and the shows and the stories in my life right now.  I'm so attached to Spring Awakening, and I think part of that attachment comes in knowing that a lot of that cast is very close to each other, still, and that they still love each other and support each other. I know what that feels like.  Granted, I never worked on a show for some odd number of years, and I only have 7 shows under my belt (and Jesus, some of them hurt my soul they were so awful!), but I love the idea of holding onto something from a time that, really, is so fleeting.  Even the idea of watching a play or a musical is so goddamn fleeting.  It's over. You can't rewind it. You can't press pause. It is what it is, and it was what it was.  However you choose to remember is it is how it's going to stay in your brain.

I have seen one show on Broadway: Nice Work If You Can Get It, with Matthew Broderick. It's not the greatest show ever, but it was pretty amazing.  I think what it was, for me, was sitting in the theater, with my best friend (who I first bonded with in Hotel, mind you), watching a show...on BROADWAY.  We had talked about doing that for so long, and have shared quite a few show loves.  When the lights went down in the theater, and the orchestra began to play, I felt myself start to tear up.  This was a dream realized, and now, I just want more. 

I need more theater in my life. I want to be a part of it, and I want it to be a part of me again. I miss the intensity, and the passion, and the sense of real accomplishment. I don't feel accomplished in much these days, and I miss having that purpose, you know? I'm not a great actress, and I'm okay with that.  It doesn't matter.  I'm not looking to hit it big on Broadway (I mean, okay, who ISN'T looking for that?) but I just want to be a part of things that matter to me.  And, I want a purpose.  I don't use my voice anymore. I don't get to be weird with other weirdos (besides my friends, who really are the loveliest weirdos ever), and sometimes, you just want to sit around talking about Wicked and how amazing Idina Menzel really is.  

I miss you, theater. I'm going to figure out a way to get you back.  And, I promise, I won't leave you again.