In chaotic homes, compliant kids survive by trying to stay under the radar and remain as invisible as possible. They hide, appease and learn to not be fully present in order to lessen the pain from their chaotic parents. Some kids build whole imaginary worlds in their heads where they can escape the pain of abuse. Victims lack a sense of self-worth or personhood and are often anxious, depressed and just going through the motions. They may replicate their childhood home environment by marrying a Controller and using the coping methods of compliance and retreat to get by. Suppressed anger may be inflicted on the kids when the Controller is not present.
Common complaints about Victims: They let people walk all over them. It seems like they thrive on chaos.
Pleaser (100%)
Pleasers usually grow up in a home with a fearful, overly protective parent or an angry critical parent. Pleaser children do everything they can to “be good” and avoid troubling a reactive or stressed parent(s). These kids don’t get comfort: rather, they spend their energy comforting or appeasing their troublesome parent. As adults, Pleasers tend to continually monitor the moods of others around them to keep everyone happy. They value harmony and avoid conflict. Eventually, giving so much causes resentment and they can break down or leave the relationship.
The common complaints about Pleasers are they are overcommited because they cannot say, “No,” and they ignore problems that involve conflict.
Vacillator (36%)
Growing up with an unpredictable or inconsistent parent, Vacillators’ get connection then are left to wait until a parent is available again. Without consistent parental affection and attention, they develop feelings of abandonment. By the time the parent feels like giving again, their child is tired of waiting and too angry to receive. As adults, Vacillators are on a quest to find the consistent love they never received as children. They idealize new relationships, but then get angry and disappointed when their ideal standards are not met.
The biggest complaints about Vacillators are: I never know what mood I’m going to get so I feel like I’m walking on eggshells waiting for the Vacillator’s anger. I can never do anything right.
Avoider (29%)
Avoiders usually come from performance-based homes that value mastery, encourage independence and self-reliance and discourage the expression of feelings or needs. These homes lack affection, tenderness or personal discussions. The focus is responsibility. Avoiders respond to the anxiety of not having comfort and nurturing by learning to take care of themselves. They restrict their feelings and needs and become independent. So, as adults they avoid emotions and neediness because that’s what they learned to do as kids. The spouses of avoiders have similar complaints. I don’t get any affection and my spouse doesn’t seem to really need much. I can’t get close.
Controller (14%)
Controllers need control to keep vulnerable, negative feelings that they experienced in childhood from surfacing in their adult lives. Having control means having protection from the feelings of fear, humiliation and helplessness. Anger is the one emotion that is not vulnerable, so intimidation and anger are often used to keep control. Control may be highly rigid or more sporadic and unpredictable, but Controllers rarely realize the real reason they need to be in charge is to never feel as powerless as they did when they were little kids.
The biggest complaints about Controllers: They can be scary and intimidating. It’s their way or the highway. Their reactions seem out of proportion to the event.
