Dear diary,
I've been yearning for the same person for nearing a decade. The grief just won't let go.
No matter how many times I build shrines for them. No matter how many times I burn them all off. No matter how many diamonds I try to make out of the ashes. No matter how much I wear your jewelry or my heart on my sleeves. No matter how much I try to get rid of my heart; it just leaves a huge you-shaped hole in my chest.
I don't know how to fill it, no matter how empty or how stuffed it only beats to the sound of your voice even if I hadn't heard it in years. But the heart is an incredible muscle, it easily adapts to your changes. The only thing I haven't been able to do is make it smaller and it feels like pain is only making it heavier.
And for the first time I wanna follow it but it either leads me back to you where it grows bigger.. then I go through the same cycle until I think it will burst.. but then again, the heart is such an absurd muscle. I often wonder if my heart leading me back to you is muscle memory but then we make new memories and it all makes sense again.
It's getting so heavy frankly, and it refuses to let me go anywhere without it. No matter where I am in the world. I just want it to take me to the edge so I can finally use it to sink.
But I'm sure it will baloon up more and bring me back up to the surface, on its way back to you. Against me.