@leszard asked: "i didn't wanna be another person you toured the world with and left behind," she murmurs, eyes distant. "it felt like i had become just another one of your summer flings, yknow?"
her body constricted, pulling muscles taught into a tight little ball, bringing knees up to chest and resting her chin on them. the movement was familiar, spent so long in this pose when processing through her trauma and grief. it was instinctual to make herself as small as possible, easier than that to meld into the darkness that composed shadowess’ form. her hands rose up to weave into her hair, grasping the midnight curls and tightening their hold, hoping the pain would ground her into thinking properly. she thought that it would be fine once this was over with. adam had run away and the remaining white fang now saw him for the coward he was. things were supposed to be better, but even now she couldn’t brush of that which made her volatile and paranoid. she hadn’t paid for her crimes, she hadn’t paid for the trail of heartbreak she left behind. all she’d cared about was her own sanity and even then it slipped away from her piece by reckless piece.
when blake caught her voice it was ragged and worn, trembly like she was forcing herself not to cry. ‘ i wouldn’t have done that if you’d told me. ’ she didn’t feel like she needed to clarify ; had ilia chosen to reveal her affections, their sequence of events might have turned out a whole lot differently. ‘ you can’t keep holding what i didn’t know against me. ’ felid was afraid to look at her now, memories transported back to her time in their troupe. bad memories full of bad decisions. there had been no end to the bloodshed, the murder, the transformation into the part of herself blake despised. she wasn’t thinking clearly anymore, because despite how far she’d come, paranoia held blake’s neck in a vice grip and refused to let go. she still had so much work to do in order to atone. ‘ did you think about me the same way the rest of the troupe did too ? did you believe i was sleeping my way up the ranks because they all believed my papa was incompetent ? ’
amber eyes narrowed, lips pressed into a thin line to stop them from wobbling. she stared off into the distance the same way ilia did, internally screaming that she shouldn’t have been pulling apart one of the best things that had come out of all the heartache menagerie wrought. there had been merit to what the members of the white fang said while they thought she couldn’t hear, or even when she could. blake’s ideals had been flimsy. she wanted equality and peace, but had turned her back on that notion when her parents left. after that, she’d turned her back on the notion of equality through force when it was made clear adam didn’t love her like she’d once wanted him to. those summer flings had been momentary escapes, but in the end it just added onto her unreliable persona. they believed her a cunning and manipulative beauty who could sway the hearts of those she touched with but a flutter of her eyelashes. maybe it would have made her life easier if it was.
blake brought a hand to her mouth, face scrunching up in pain when she realised the accusation that had passed her. ilia had been the only one that didn’t isolate her, how could blake even entertain the thought ?
stop fucking up.
‘ they ... ’ the flings. ‘ ... made me feel less disgusted in myself, at least for a little while. i’m sorry i was too obtuse to see they were hurting you. ’