It’s in the past.. and you guys didn’t even care to think of the one who started it.
It’s in the past and you only have come clean when you’re caught.
It’s in the past and I only know now.
I only know now
But that doesn’t matter, because you’re over it.
Everyone is over it
It’s not like I cried myself to sleep over it
It’s not like I feel like I’m back in that state of being manipulated again.
It’s not like my heart matters.
This is how my mind is right now…
Two years… and I only know the truth now… I want to strangle myself and bang my head against the floor because of “this little thing”.
I want to show the agony that my heart feels because of your lies.
I want you to know that I thought of you despite never being thought of.
I thought of you everyday.
All of you.
But now that I know the truth, it’s like I’m overreacting to my friends, my own boyfriend, and my best friend who kept a secret from me for two years.
I’m in the wrong.
Danda shouldn’t have fucking died… I should have. Nobody would’ve known or cared if it was me. Danda had meaning, I do not. They deserved to be here, to smile and laugh and make memories. I should be dead. I should be dead. I should have never have been born. I never should have been saved from death nor should I have survived birth. My life was meant to have been for Danda…
It’s my fault. It is my fault. It should have been me who died. I don’t deserve life. I never wanted to live, I never wanted to hurt anyone I can’t do anything I hate myself I hate this body I hate my life I want to die but I’m too much of a coward to do that.
Ironic how I help people but never can help myself. I don’t want pity, I want to be able to feel protected when I am vulnerable. I want to have someone to talk to who cares about me because they don’t want to watch me suffer. I just want to be chosen.
I want to be a first choice. I want to be looked at and respected for what I’ve been through as well as protected from further harm. I don’t like being treated like a weakling but I don’t like standing alone. I want to have a person who can tell when I’m not okay but also know when to give me space. Someone who can keep up with my life without being overwhelmed by my thoughts. Someone who wouldn’t even think about forgetting me and just automatically going to my side in a situation that has a lot of stress.
… I don’t want to fight over someone, I can fight for someone but… if I’m second choice, I don’t want to be a choice at all… what’s the point in having someone when they chose someone else before you? How do you know that they are actually trying to love you or prove themselves that they are over their other partners…
… fuck, I am really just trauma dumping here… guess I needed this alone time more then I realized. But then again, it’s not like I’m not taking a good route, most people would’ve been more crushed if they were in my shoes.
… to think that I am almost an adult and I have so many things to talk about is both concerning and impressive, might be a world record for most eventful childhood experience.