Jerked off at like 4am today. First time I’ve done anything in like months. I legitimately forgot about how sensitive my tdick is and how velvety my folds are. Like, I was so wet and it felt so easy to just slip and slide. It’s always a little hard for me to cum because of my meds, but I’m pretty sure I came twice. I probably needed that.
“But Tea, why haven’t you jerked off in months? Aren’t you horny basically all the time?” Yeah, but I am also chronically fatigued all the time and masturbating is never a quick thing for me. It can take literal hours and I simply do not have that much energy. I should probably get a rose toy so that I can just do it hands-free.
Man, I WISH I could get a sugar daddy. I'm so broke, bro. Who wants to fuck a fat hairy trans guy in exchange for paying off my medical and student loan bills?
I should probably… look into journaling. I didn’t really keep a physical diary because I was afraid of my parents snooping through it, so I spent my teens vent posting on tumblr. Very bad, since it opened me up to being manipulated and abused by people who knew I was lonely and desperate for love and validation. Then it transitioned to me venting on Discord servers with my friends, but that wasn’t good either, because externalizing internal thoughts in a public space about a friend where our mutual friends could see is part of why I might lose somebody dear to me.
I know this looks funny considering that I’m doing the thing I was saying was bad, but idk. I’m a hypocritical person.
I guess my thing is like, how do you feel okay with venting in a way where you know you’re not going to get any comfort or validation from it? It’s just you and your thoughts, and I’m alone with my thoughts all the time. Sometimes it helps to not feel so alone in them, but obviously I can’t just do what I’ve been doing lest I hurt those I love and become a leech. Ugh, I hate that finding the balance in things is so fucking difficult. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could feel like I got everything figured out, but I don’t.
Why am I almost thirty and I feel like a teenager? This sucks.
I have this, like… I don’t know. I have a weird relationship with sex and sexuality. I’m like both hypersexual and sex-averse. It feels so evil and violating to have desires, especially for other human beings. I’m more comfortable navigating my sexuality through fictional characters because they’re not real, you know? They can’t be hurt by me having feelings without their consent or knowledge.
I’ve been more, uh… maybe desperate? Is the word? When I get high, like looking for validation and attention from others where I’m desired and objectified just a little. But then when I actually seek it out, I realize that I don’t like when a stranger has these thoughts about me. That they want to engage with me in a certain way and that there are certain expectations I don’t want to uphold. And afterwards, I just feel icky and paranoid. It’s not anyone’s fault—I went into spaces where expectations are something understood silently… which is probably the worst place for a mentally ill autistic person. That’s entirely on me.
I don’t know. I just don’t feel good about myself and I feel like, I don’t deserve to feel bad about myself when it’s not fair to feel that way. Like it’s an inherently manipulative action to say and do things like asking for comfort. Gah. I don’t know.
So my crush, who is a good friend of mine that I’ve known for four years and has been an inspiration to me on multiple fronts, might never want to talk to me ever again.
I… I said something in our shared Discord with other mutual friends that broke their boundaries and made them feel violated. Something I very much should not have said, especially in a place with our peers, where it would be possible for people to figure out who I was talking about.
Basically, I voiced frustration about how they would say certain things about navigating kinks and their identity, and it would draw my thoughts into places I don’t want them to be. Because even though they said they were fine with me having feelings, that doesn’t mean it’s fine for me to have these thoughts and to also externalize them, especially in a mutual space. I might have been high when I said all that, but I don’t know. That’s not an excuse for poor behavior.
I of course apologized profusely, said that I understood what I did was wrong, deleted what I said and the surrounding conversation, that I would never talk about them like that again, told them that I will not interact with them for as long as they want even if it’s forever, that they can dispose of or repurpose any gifts they had planned for me, and that it was very brave and appreciated that they were so honest with me. I hope I did my best there.
But I’m not going to lie, it put me in a very dark place, and I feel like I need to punish myself for my wrongs and like… I ruined a loving friendship all because I couldn’t think and be appropriate. Because I had ugly thoughts and I felt very alone with them, as I avoid talking about them at all in the context of “so this is someone I have a crush on.”
I mean. I know the only thing I could do is try my best to show that I do care and that I am listening to their boundaries and hope for the best. Even if we become friends again, it’s never going to be the same. I should have known better, I really should have. But the deed is done, and I can’t take it back. I can only learn to be better than this.
Had my first big cry of the year and it’s because I’m feeling very rejected. I think it’s time to actually get over this crush. I was having fun with it, like singing and dancing in my mind for having feelings, but now it’s stopped being fun. It stopped feeling good.
They asked me for resources on polyamory and then told me about how their two best friends they think are feeling out a throuple situation with them and I was like. Oh. Like I confessed not that long ago and was understanding of them saying no, but that made me feel like I was just too inadequate or like I’m not important enough to be considered. I mean, it’s not like I don’t get it. Wouldn’t you choose two people you know in real life and spend physical time with over this one guy on the internet from a different country? I probably would, too.
I had a lot of activities planned that I’m canceling because I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I need recovery time.
