Submission for @inklings-challenge 2024. Wanted to put this through another round of editing, but I'm running out of time here. Hope it looks okay and it's not too confusing. (@ w@);
Tick. Tick. Tock. Tick.
Elyse stared at her reflection in her cup. It had sat here long enough it was starting to get cool, but now and then wisps still traveled up. Ordinarily this would have incited her appetite, but the sick feeling in her stomach prevented any such thought of enjoying her cocoa.
All she could think about was Kokuen. How her awful teacher had gypped her of a proper Taming education. How she hadn’t been able to assemble the team she liked. How she was forced to use a Fire Lumikin against her will. She liked Flame, but… it was hard to acknowledge him as her own, especially with all that happened with Moki. She couldn’t help but feel like she was still just hanging onto Flame until Moki came and got him…
She picked up the green, grooved cup and sloshed the contents around. She turned it to take a look at the snowflake pattern on the back. Lico had gotten a set of these for her last spring. It was funny now how many things from his culture now decorated the house. She knew her mom had a few similar things, so in a way it was a familiar sight. Still. It was nice to have a little reminder of him all the way out here…
Her stomach was growing sour again. If cocoa wasn’t her favorite, she might even consider pouring it down the drain. She sighed. No, she couldn’t do that…
She propped her head up and her gaze roved over the kitchen counter. To her right was the oven, its door decorated with little clay snowmen. The pots and pans still sat on the stove-top, awaiting cleanup. The range hood vent was well-worn from years of use… She let her gaze drift further to the left. The dishes were stacked neatly in the dish rack in front of her.
She stood, fingering her cup. Maybe she’d place this on the coffee table in the living room and play some games. Her reflection in the cup caught her eye again. The sour feeling was back.
It would be easy enough to just forget this. Her Taming Journey was over now. And yet… what had she become?
She shook her head. Worrying over a cup of cold cocoa wasn’t going to fix the past. Was there anything she could have done? Would having a different teacher have fixed anything? Maybe she should have been more supportive of Moki…
She took a step towards the living room, then remembered her cup. She turned back to get it, fingering the rim. Every time she picked it up, she lost her appetite. She should be happy, drinking cocoa out of a special cup like this. And yet… the feeling didn’t seem to want to linger.
Which was why she was going to play a game. Forget all this. It was in the past. She might not ever see Kokuen again. Why bother? Why get so worked up?
And then she remembered.
She had plenty of reason to hate her teacher.
To be fair, some of it wasn’t Kokuen’s fault… Or was it? Was every time those Pyramid psychos attacked them her teacher’s fault? Was Creme right about Kokuen still being in cahoots with those yahoos?
Lightning strike. A crazed smile on a gray-red face. Light fading from the eyes of a fallen Birdkin.
She shook her head. Really. It couldn’t be her teacher’s fault they ran into so much trouble… Or was it?
‘Damaged goods.’ Kokuen had called her damaged goods…
Elyse shook her head and headed for the door, throwing on her coat. She needed a walk. Maybe that’d clear her head.
She put her good boots on and started walking downhill. On a slippery night like this, the boots with spike treads were essential. She’d be all the way down by the plaza in a hurry if she wore something with any less traction. The spikes crunched into the ice. She could feel the icy layer atop the snow splintering and fragmenting in her wake as she made her way down. She considered if she wanted to go somewhere else once she reached the bottom or if the bench would do.
She missed her cocoa… Guess it took the cold for her to start hankering for it, huh? She shoved her hands in her pockets, shrugging her shoulders as she descended the hill.
At last she made it down to the park. The cold caught up to her with a sharp bite. Really was colder once you got down to the bottom, huh? Or maybe it was because she’d stopped moving…
She headed over to sit on the bench she’d been eying from the hill, leaning forward in a crouch to spread the heat around.
Everything was frozen and covered in snow. Which wasn’t too surprising for this time of year. The lampposts cast a yellow-orange light over everything.
This spot at least was clear, save for a little frost and a few icicles hanging down from the bottom of the bench. Elyse could feel them when she moved her legs.
She leaned back, taking everything in. …Ahh, she had to start moving again. She was thinking about Kokuen… She shut her eyes tightly. She let out a breath, feeling it wisp up and away without even looking.
She opened her eyes again, letting her gaze sweep over her surroundings. Beyond the Lumikin ring and the rest of the park, the trees rose up again, standing boldly as if to show everyone whose territory the world beyond the park’s was.
She looked to her left, watching the houses that rose up on slopes beyond the plaza. She wondered if any of the Snowdrift Crew was still up… Dela was out on her Tamer’s Journey still, right? So was Sandra and Jimmy… Johnny too, right? Hmmh… And Dela had brought her brother Danny, too… She could talk to their folks, but… eh. She pulled up one knee on the bench, knocking loose a patch of fresh snow. Even if she had her TD, it was too late to text any of them… but maybe she could leave a message? …Eh. She still wanted to brood out in the cold. Maybe later.
…Pointless to get so worked up about stuff… It was just jealousy at the end of the day, right? She remembered that first day she got her Journeying License. How those two kids had lucked out with such a nice mentor… Sometimes it felt like she was being played some big joke on. Some sick joke. People died…
She pulled her knees in, letting it play all over again. Being captured by Pyramid. She winced at the memory of the gunshot. Anubis’s eyes… She’d never forget those eyes… She felt a shiver fly up her spine, but it wasn’t from the cold. Too bundled up for that. Not that she ever really got cold-cold anyway…
…But she couldn’t blame Kokuen for any of that, could she…? If Kokuen had just been nicer—! Elyse stood up, clenching her fists. She kicked over a bit of snow and started walking again. Ticked her off every time she thought about it. What was with that woman that she always had to egg Moki on? It was a wonder she’d even survived Kokuen’s training. Sometimes Elyse really did want to believe all the Pyramid attacks were her teacher’s fault, if only because she was ex-Pyramid. Or was Elyse the crazy one for sticking around and not thinking it was a problem? …To be fair, she had other agendas, especially when it came to traveling with Taffy’s team… She sighed, listening to the crunch underneath her boots again. She kept going down the path beyond the park, into the dark. Maybe she’d check if the ski lift was open at this hour. She just wanted to keep moving.
As she reached the bottom of the slope and came under the whiter lights, she was starting to have second thoughts. Maaaybe heading all the way down the mountain at this hour wasn’t a great idea… She could go back to the park? Maybe do some training..? Maybe… mm, the Mamokin tundra was far. As much as she wanted to visit Mamo in his natural habitat, it wasn’t the kind of journey to make this late at night.
She headed up back to the park anyway. She’d need her TD if she wanted to take anybody out, anyway. And… after thinking about how Kokuen forced Flame on her… She shook her head. Ugh. She ran a hand through her hair. Kokuen was the fire expert. Why did she have to bear Flame…? She’d just wanted to train Mamo. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, had to know ice’s weaknesses… It was stupid! She didn’t want it! She kicked up more snow. Ughhh.
She kept marching up. May as well check out the stable while she was up here. It’d be nice just to see some Lumikin…
Though… they were asleep. She probably shouldn’t disturb their rest…
But in the morning, everyone’d be hustling and bustling. Would she get a chance to resolve this?
She was running out of places to go. She wasn’t heading down the mountain, it was too dark for the forest…
She came to the barn anyway. Maybe she’d just sit here for a bit. It wasn’t as bright out here, but… whatever. She needed a new brooding location.
She settled in, leaning against the trunk of a tree outside the barn. Sounded like the foxkin were still up. Made sense…
A little black nose sniffed at her from behind the fence. A pale, glowing eye peeked out from between the slats.
Aaand, there one was.
Elyse smiled, catching glimpses of its ice blue fur. She walked over to the fence, reaching a hand in to pet it.
The creature yap-laughed, play-biting her hand and wiggling. It smiled up at her.
“Hehe.” She tried again to pet it and it kept playing with her hand. Silly fox…
Eventually it darted away back to its feeder.
Elyse watched the creature for a bit, listing her head to one side. Ah, she was getting tired. Maybe she would head home now.
Besides… it wasn’t like she could get her Tamer’s Journey back now. It was over and done with. As much as she wanted to rewrite it. As much as she wanted to bring Moki back… She shoved her hands in her pockets and headed home.
—
It was her mom who had gotten her thinking about this. And it was her mom who stirred her head about it even before bed.
Forgiving Kokuen… Could she even do that? Could she just… let it all go? On the one hand, she wanted to forget it all. She wanted to forget Kokuen. Pretend the thing with Pyramid never happened. That Kokuen never treated her badly. Never pushed her head and tried to force her to recover when she was down. Didn’t keep preaching to her about how hard reality was and how she’d die being soft. Man she wanted to kick Kokuen’s head in sometimes. Not hard. Just. Just a bop. Enough to hurt. Not… not more than that. It’d feel good, she bet.
The next day, she went out to help her dad take care of the Mamokin. If she’d wanted to, she probably could have taken the teleporting ring last night to the tundra, but. It was dangerous out this way at night. Just as well she visited during the day.
The moment Mamo saw her coming, he rushed over, beating her to the punch and shoving his trunk on her face.
“Mam—”Oof. She laughed and pulled his snout off her. She rubbed his fur and leaned into him. Ahh, this was her favorite.
Mamo gave a stuttering trumpet as if laughing with her. He poked the top of her head with his trunk.
“Mmh.” Elyse buried her face in his fur. She didn’t wanna move…
He made a small, concerned noise.
Elyse gave his fur another pat. She was okay.
He blew a bit of ice at her.
Elyse laughed and threw a snowball at him. Two could play at this game!
Mamo made a happier sound and scooped up lots of snow with his trunk. He threw it at her.
“Oh no!!” Elyse ran and managed to dodge his snow spray. And this was why you didn’t challenge an ice mammoth to a snowball fight! They didn’t play fair!
Mamo scooped up another load and tried to get her with it again.
“Missed me!” Elyse said. Missed her by a mile, was he even trying to hit her?
Mamo scooped up a heftier load, waiting for Elyse to get close. He saw her trying to dart past him and covered her in snow this time.
“Dwah!” Elyse collapsed in a heap of snow. “Okay, you win.” Not like she could beat Mamo in a snowball fight of this caliber…
Mamo pawed at the snow with his trunk to dig her out, concern etching his mammoth-like face.
“I’m okay, I’m okay…” Elyse pushed herself out and sat on the heap. She rested her chin in her palms.
He blew snow at her again.
“Mmmh.” She covered herself with her hood. No more.
Mamo gave an indignant ‘bark.’
Elyse sighed. She just… mmmh… She pulled her hood up a bit to look at Mamo.
Mamo patted her head with his trunk again, then let it rest on her shoulder. He tilted his head slightly.
“Thanks for understanding, buddy…” She got up and hugged him again. She should probably get to work instead of playing around…
Mamo’s trunk bobbed curiously, but he made no more noises.
“What do you think of holding grudges?” she asked, leading him over towards the tree line where the other Mamokin were feeding.
Mamo made a curious sound in reply. Was that ’go on,’ ‘what do you mean,’ or ‘I don’t understand you’? Lumikin were pretty smart when it came to commands, but… well. Mamo was a good listener anyway, even if he couldn’t reply back like a human could.
“I mean…” She looked at him. “Remember Kokuen? Of course you do. Hang on, I’ll imitate her.” Elyse crossed her arms and looked off sullenly.
Mamo only blinked.
Elyse’s shoulders sank. She guessed he wouldn’t understand what she was doing. “Well… remember MistyKo? The…” She wiggled her hands and made a ‘wshh’ sound, trying to make an impression of a cloud of mist. …Was it working?
Mamo just blinked again.
…No. At least not with Mamo. She sighed. Maybe she’d talk to dad about it…?
—
“What do you do about grudges?”
Her dad paused his work. He hummed to himself. They both worked in silence for a while.
“That mean you have one? Look, if it’s about stealing your leftover cocoa last night—”
Elyse smiled and shook her head. “Well, actually…”
“Oh, now you’re gonna hold a grudge, huh?” He dumped out the bin of greens he was holding for the Mamokin. “Knew I shouldn’t have touched it.”
Elyse looked down, smiling still as she emptied her own bin into the growing pile of frostbitten plant matter.
“Is this about your teacher?” he guessed next, dusting off his mitts, grabbing up the empty bin and heading over to one of the sheds.
Bullseye. She guessed nothing got past her dad. Felt silly to bring up though. She sighed. “I try not to think about it too much, but…” She looked away. “Mom keeps hinting about forgiving Kokuen, but… where do I even start?” She looked up. “She was a jerk to me from the start. It’s her fault Moki ran away. She keeps going real world this, real world that… and she’s so immature!” Elyse kicked snow. “And yet she lords it over me like I’m 12! Ticks me off…”
Her dad shook a new load of frozen pine boughs into the bin in his hands. Elyse followed suit grumpily. She sighed, hefting her bin as they headed back towards the tree line. Her dad followed after her at a slower pace.
“Forgiveness comes in parts,” he finally said. “Even if someone’s only wronged you once, sometimes, it’s like… what they said hurt you in different ways.” They bustled in silence for a bit. “S’hard to forgive someone when you’re still mad at ‘em…”
Elyse kicked another patch of snow with her boot, flinging bits of it into the air. “Got that right…”
“Alright, settle down there, tiger.” He rubbed her head with his elbow since his hands were still full.
“I know it’s not right to hold grudges…” Elyse said, slowing down. “But I can’t help but feel like I was cheated out of a proper Tamer’s Journey. I want to think not all of that was her fault, but then… then I get to thinking, what if it is? She’s done so many other things to me, somehow, it feels logical for everything wrong with my journey to have been her fault,” she said, scowling.
“Well… why don’t you tell me all about it? I know I’ve heard the gist of what happened on your journey, but not what your teacher’s done to you specifically.”
“Okay…”
Once they made it back under the cover of the trees, they set their bins down and sat on one of the snowbanks.
“Some of it’s really silly… before I was assigned to Kokuen…” Elyse went on to describe the scene. An old man instructor taking out his new students for ice cream. It got her hopes up, dumb as it sounded, only to be rewarded with Kokuen. It felt like some cosmic joke.
“Moki only made things worse,” she continued on, chin resting on her palms again. “Maybe I could have stood Kokuen if it weren’t for Moki… Not that she really did anything wrong just by not getting along with Kokuen. Yeah, she was headstrong and didn’t have the best ideas, but…” She sank. “It was just one big crud show. Everything Kokuen did just added gasoline on the fire. Moki would make a bad decision, Kokuen would come down on it hard. And she’d do it trying to convince you this was some sort of ‘tough love,’ but couldn’t she read the room?” Elyse leaned back against the snowbank. She blustered. Yeah, Moki had been an amateur, but.. ugh…
Her dad listened, digesting all she had said.
“I just think if Kokuen had been nicer, things would’ve been better.” Elyse crossed her arms. “She has this high and mighty attitude and it’s really grating. I tried to be the better person, but…” She shook her head. “At a certain point… it just got worse and worse. Especially when she forced me to take on Flame… It’s like, yes, I know I need to understand ice’s weaknesses. But… mmh.” She kept trying to force her to be someone she didn’t want to be. It was annoying! “And then there’s the whole thing with Pyramid… I really want to think that wasn’t her fault. Really. But… they just kept showing up?” She shook her head. “And… mmh.”
“Why do you want to think it was her fault?” her dad asked. “Just because you had a hard time with her in so many other ways?”
Elyse squinted. There were… other reasons, but it would get into gossip territory… “There were reasons…” she said simply. Her dad was looking at her, waiting for her to go on. She closed her eyes. “But it wouldn’t be fair to say.”
“Hmm.”
“I know I shouldn’t use it against her, but…” She looked off. “Even if it wasn’t… on purpose, still… Maybe Pyramid was following her and we were just extensions.” She looked down. “It probably would’ve been responsible for her to try and get us a substitute mentor or let Taffy train us after things went down in Desa… Or maybe irresponsible. I don’t know. Surely, if she thought they were following her… I don’t know.” She sank again.
“Hmm. How old did you say your teacher was again?”
Elyse thought. She wasn’t sure exactly. “I’m pretty sure she’s only a few years older than me.”
“Hmm.” Her dad digested this information. “You had trouble respecting her. Felt like she was close enough to your age and immature enough you shouldn’t have to kiss up, right?”
“Took the words out of my mouth.” Was that wrong?
“Sometimes we have to respect people who aren’t worthy of our respect,” her dad said, propping his elbow up on his knee. “It’s just the way of the world.”
“Kinda hate it though.” Besides. Kokuen hadn’t come down on Elyse for treating her like an equal until way later. It set a bad precedent.
Her dad sighed. “Gotta turn the other cheek sometimes…”
“Don’t like being slapped at all.”
“It’s more about… putting the mirror up to what she’s doing,” her dad explained. “I’m not telling you to take hits lying down. But… don’t fight fire with fire. If you sink to her level, then… that’s what she wants, isn’t it?”
Elyse huffed. “What do you mean? Putting the mirror up to her…?”
“Well… when she gets into a tailspin, you can gently point out what her methods are doing,” her dad said, “instead of snarking back or having an attitude about it.”
“Gentle…” That was the trouble. She shook her head. “It’s all over and done now though. I can’t take back anything I said and neither can she.” Elyse slumped forward.
“And yet you’re still hanging on to every wrong thing she did to you.”
“It’s stupid. I kind of hate it. It’s like an addiction.” Elyse covered her face. “It feels good to have something to be mad at for everything that happened. Especially when it was Kokuen’s fault!”
“Mm…”
“Does that make me an awful person?” Elyse asked. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s just because I’m bored…”
“Well. No more awful than the rest of us.” Her dad cracked a smile.
Elyse gave a half-smile back. “Thanks…” She guessed that was true…
Her dad offered her a hand. “Wanna offer it up?” he asked.
“I gotta, right?” Elyse put her hand in his.
“No… you could just keep hanging onto it and chewing on it if that’s what you’d really like.” He gave her another wrinkled smile.
Elyse considered for a moment. He was right. It would be the easy way out. But… she’d probably drive her folks crazy complaining about it and being sullen all the time. Worst case scenario, she’d become just like her rotten teacher.
… “I don’t know if I can,” she finally said.
“Shall we, then?” He closed his fingers around hers.
… “I don’t know.” Elyse slipped her hand out of his. “It feels like I’m taking the easy way out…”
“Hm…”
Elyse knew he was right. She knew this was something she needed help with. But also… it was a weird source of entertainment. Almost like a toy. But… she knew it wasn’t good for her. As much as she wished things were different. As much as she wished she’d had a nice teacher, that Moki hadn’t run away, that her Tamer’s Journey hadn’t been full of so much running, pain and strife. But she knew deep down that most of it wasn’t Kokuen’s fault. To some degree at least, Pyramid themselves being awful had more to do with it than whatever Kokuen had done wrong on her part… She knew that. She knew that, best of all from the thing with Anubis… She slumped over again.
… “S’not bad to need a little help sometimes.” He slapped his knees and brought himself back up. “Well. Ready to get back to work?” He offered her a hand.
Elyse looked at his hand. She knew she shouldn’t keep letting this control her life. She knew she didn’t want these bitter thoughts to turn her into her teacher. She had to be the bigger person. She had to be. But it was so hard. She just knew she wouldn’t get anywhere trying to pray about it. She had too many walls up. “I guess so.” Maybe she’d try tonight…
