🔥🧬 Types of Christian Fundies: United by YEC, Divided by Denial
“The Earth is 6,000 years old, Darwin was a liar, and Gregorian chant might be Satanic — depending on the denomination.”
1. 🏛️ TradCaths (Traditional Catholics)
Pretend they’re Vatican I, live like it's 1099
🧠 Think they’re the intellectual elite of fundies
🧎 Hate Protestants more than Satan
👎 Theistic evolution? “Modernist heresy.”
👀 Secretly read Aquinas but ignore anything mystical or universalist
🔥 Love burning heretics (metaphorically... usually)
Main beef: The Enlightenment, guitars in church, Teilhard de Chardin
2. 📖 Evangelical Hyper-Legalists
WWJD = What Would Judge Do?
🧍 Bible tracts in every pocket
🔗 Think grace is a footnote to Leviticus
🎶 Only approve hymns in D minor with no syncopation
😬 Have nightmares about tattoos and secular college
Main beef: Dancing, Harry Potter, women who wear pants
3. 🔥💃 Holy Spirit-Obsessed Pentecostals
Every lunch break = surprise exorcism
👅 Glossolalia or you're going to Sheol
🐍 May or may not handle snakes
🎧 Metal is demonic, but Hillsong is doctrine
💨 Holy Spirit blamed for every emotion from yawning to seizures
Main beef: Silence, reason, liturgy
4. 🌿📅 SDA Extremists (Seventh-day Adventists)
Your calendar is evil.
🚫 Bacon = mark of the beast
📼 Still mad at the Pope for 1844
🛏️ Think Sunday worship = joining Mystery Babylon™
💼 Dress like the apocalypse is a job interview
Main beef: Breakfast sausage, Christmas, the Council of Nicaea
5. 🇮🇱⛪ "Non-Denom" Zionists (but Also Weirdly Antisemitic)
Support Israel like it’s a video game faction, but still blame Jews for everything
🕍 Obsessed with rebuilding the Temple
🧠 Read Revelation like a military manual
🎤 Sermons sound like end-time Twitter rants
😡 Think all criticism of their pastor = Jezebel spirit
Main beef: Palestinians, nuance, critical thinking
6. 🧂 Baptist Fundamentalists
Still fighting the Scopes Trial
🦖 Dinosaurs lived on the ark — period.
📚 KJV or leave
💄 Makeup is Jezebel's toolkit
🏊 Full immersion or eternal damnation
Main beef: Dancing, alcohol, Catholics, fun
7. 🧊 Lutheran Ultrafundies (Scandi Edition)
Frozen Chosen with a twist of xenophobia
🇸🇪 Worship style: Grim hymns and grim politics
🧱 Think Jesus was white, blond, and carried a Norse axe
⚔️ “Christian Europe” revivalists with YouTube militias
😬 Miss the Crusades but make it Lutheran
Main beef: Muslims, globalism, being told they’re Protestant
8. 📿 Edgy American Orthodox Converts
“It’s not fundamentalism, it’s tradition.”
🕯️ Venerate icons and Vladimir Putin
📜 Read the Church Fathers selectively
🇺🇸 Still vote like Southern Baptists
🐐 Think Calvinism = Satanic, but support monarchy and anti-modernism
Main beef: Catholicism, Protestants, skateboards, pronouns
🧠 Final Thought:
They all say "We’re not like the other fundies", but then all end with:
“Genesis is literal. Evolution is a hoax. Everyone else is deceived.”