there, i sent the text that had been sitting at the bottom of my stomach since forever. i don't feel any better than i would have done if i had vomited.
vulnerability is important for being truly seen, and thus truly loved, is what they say. but i don't want my heart broken. i want this one to work out, dammit. it's "just" a friendship. people are out there navigating marriages and divorces and friendships-with-benefits. i just want a handful few humans to care about me, not even exclusively or prominently. i want to feel alive again--loved, cared for, excited, happy, determined. any sort of positive shit from a thesaurus. i want to be happy. i didn't want to say it because that would be admitting that i am not actually happy, and if i tried to reach back for the last time i felt that way i would be feeling my way through a very dim passage that gets darker every minute. my sadness always infects everything i know or had known. i don't know how to do feel happy anymore.
