#texts from vader

[forcearama]

Vader: [text] Hello. Leia: 🤨 who is this? Vader: This is Lord Vader. I require information from you, and you will provide it. Leia: lol what???? do you have the wrong number? did the emperor forget to install an update?? Vader: look here girl i know u know where he is and i know he helped u a few yrs ago and u better get talking RIGHT NOW Leia: who?? omg you are so weird istg Vader: U KNOW THIS IS ABOUT KENOBI. Leia: obi-wan??? that kenobi???? Vader: OBVIOUSLY THAT KENOBI Leia: sry geez i wasn't sure if you meant my friend and hero obiwan kenobi who loves me and buys me stuff, or if you were talking about some other kenobi Vader: lol ok well hes MY friend but whatever Leia: lolllll omg sure Vader: look his whereabouts are critical to the security of the galaxy. u dont want the galaxy to be in danger do u???? Leia: ill take my chances. pretty sure obi-wan isnt the one I have to worry about. Leia: he's sooooo handsome now btw he took a shower and *everything* ✨ major glow-up. he looks so happy on the life day card he sent me this year. 🤩 Vader: that is of no concern to me. I DEMAND his coordinates. Leia: lol even if I did know them i'd never tell you. i know what you did to him!! Vader: [pause] wait how did YOU find out about that?! those pics were supposed to b private!!!!!! Leia: um whoa ok i meant that you set him on fire and tried to kill him???? what are YOU talking about?? Vader: WHERE IS HE Leia: BITE ME YOU OLD BUCKET OF BOLTS. shouldnt you be somewhere kissing the emperors butt right now???? Vader: ha ha, ok, look i was just kidding. obiwan and i are cool w/each other. i just wanna visit him and say hi. like i said hes my friend too!! my BEST friend even. we go way back. Leia: well sorry to disappoint but i dont know where he is and i wouldnt tell you anyhow. also I bet he's not actually your friend. My dad said his ACTUAL best friend died a long time ago and THAT'S why he looked like hed been run over by a bantha when i first met him 💔 Vader: ffs for the last fucking time his friend's not DEAD that was just a METAPHOR i was using for drama idc what he says Leia: how would you know??? are you hanging out with a lot of jedi these days??? I bet his BFF was 1000000x more powerful than YOU Vader: FFS Vader: ok you are SO insufferable omfg can u PLEASE just. tell obiwan to call me. soon. i need him. Leia: nope Vader: ill buy you a pony Leia: 🙄 i already have 5 ponies. im a princess. 👑 Vader: UGH FINE. i grow weary of this discussion. Vader: just dont tell him i was asking about him ok???? its not a good look for me Leia: 😏 ofc i wont. never

[calyssmarviss]

What really happened on the Death Star.

@forcearama I had to take a break from The Sads (i think i set the bar to high technically and it gets frustrating :D) and unearthed this from the Star Wars Binder of Doom.

[forcearama]

Vader: [text] yooooooo lol well that was a weird fuckin few days Obi-Wan: Who is this? Vader: lol cmon dont play dumb Obi-Wan: You still use this number??? How?? Vader: this place is run by clowns no one knows i still have this comm Vader: well run by clowns except for me ofc Vader: couldnt sense you in the force before so i didnt think there was any point in texting but nooooowwwwww i know better 😚 Obi-Wan: I hate to disappoint, but I'm afraid you'll find my device is untraceable. Vader: yeah im working on it just you wait Vader: so did u also see me in the bacta tank or???? Vader: bc ngl i didn't super know we could do that??? Obi-Wan: Yes, I saw you. Vader: wow lol ok weird, gonna have to see what else we can do with that 👀 stay tuned Vader: also did u know i was alive bc tbh you looked FREAKED the fuck out it was hilarious. love scaring the shit out of people. Obi-Wan: No. I didn't know. And nothing about this is comical, Anakin. Vader: eeeeeeeeeyyyy "Anakin"??? I thought you said you knew that guy was dead! 😅 Obi-Wan: Vader. Obi-Wan: Darth. Obi-Wan: Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's over. I am going to block this number and move on with my life. Vader: you might move on but ur never gonna block me Obi-Wan: Don't be so sure. Vader: ok old man whatever you say [10 minute pause] Obi-Wan: Stop that. You cannot do that. It's wrong. Vader: lolllll cool it worked guess i can send you visions Vader: I thought you said you were gonna block my number Obi-Wan: Well there hardly seems to be a point if it's either get texts or have you sending me that sort of a thing through the Force. Vader: 😇 why not both?? Obi-Wan: Anakin that is FILTHY. Vader: it was wasn't it?? Obi-Wan: And I very much do NOT remember that day the same way you do, apparently. Vader: hmmmmm I like my version better 😏 Vader: gotta run to a mtg now but i'll "see" you again soon Vader: get it Vader: bc i'll see you in the bond Vader: and we'll be doing stuff Obi-Wan: Yes you've made your point!!

[forcearama]

A thought occurs to me about the Texts From Vader AU: setting aside the fact that it's a very silly and extremely unrealistic premise to begin with, I'm very amused by the idea of them both using the same phones they did in the Clone Wars portion of the timeline. Meaning, phones that still have their previous conversation history on them.

So it's basically like:

Anakin: hey what time is that mtg again?? Obi-Wan: 2PM. Anakin: k thx

Anakin: [picture of him and Rex] We're home!! Obi-Wan: [picture of him and Cody] Us too 🙂 Drinks? Outlander? Soon? Anakin: YES YAY🎉🥳

Anakin: can u pick up Dex's on ur way home today?? Obi-Wan: Yes. The usual? Anakin: y 👍👍👍👍👍 thx Obi-Wan: Arrived on Utapau. Looks like Grievous is indeed here. Did you hear from Ahsoka at all? Obi-Wan: Not going to be checking messages for a bit now for obvious reasons so don't panic if I don't reply right away. Obi-Wan: Definitely keep me updated re: Ahsoka though. Obi-Wan: Anakin did you get my last messages??

Obi-Wan: Anakin are you OK? Please let me know where you are right now.

Obi-Wan: Anakin please reply if you see these

Obi-Wan: Anakin Obi-Wan: what have you done

[months later, in the same text conversation]

Vader: uh so...hi Vader: lol awkward

[forcearama]

Negotiations

Vader: [text] This Kenobi? Obi-Wan: No. Who is this? “Vader”: Look Kenobi, I know it’s you, I can see the texting history on this phone. Unfortunately, might I add. Ugh.  Obi-Wan: Sorry, but I am afraid you have the wrong number. Perhaps there’s been a mix-up somewhere.  “Vader”: I don’t know how you’ve managed an untraceable number, Jedi, but I promise you: the Empire WILL find you.  Obi-Wan: Oh my. Well if I knew anything about what that is, I’m sure I’d be terrified. “Vader”: Stop this nonsense! Your denial is pointless.   Obi-Wan: I do hope you manage to connect with whoever it is you’re seeking, Excellency. 😘 “Vader”: I see you are still as insufferably smug as ever. I’m REALLY going to enjoy getting word of your death. Obi-Wan: You’ve been so successful at killing me before, sometimes I wonder if all my hiding and secrecy is even necessary. You couldn’t even manage it when we used to practically work next door to each other. 😉 “Vader”: Unlike the rest of the galaxy, I’m not sending you messages to banter with you, Kenobi.  Obi-Wan: Oh no? I’m terribly sad to hear that.💔 I was so pleased to hear from you.  “Vader”: Enough of this. You will discuss the program with Lord Vader.  Obi-Wan: Excuse me? “Vader”: He has been MOST difficult as of late as I understand you did not agree to rewatching that insipid holoseries he enjoys with him. Obi-Wan: He told you about that?  “Vader”: He is very emotional about it. It is impeding his ability to contribute to our work. Obi-Wan: Well my goodness, it almost seems as though Anakin shouldn’t have been encouraged to indulge in being extremely emotional about things. Or to turn his back on the only people in the galaxy who would agree to watching that show with him. “Vader”: Hilarious. You will do as I demand.  Obi-Wan: Or what? I fail to see how killing me would solve this particular problem, so it seems as though I have the upper hand here.  “Vader”: Look, do it and I won’t turn the Room of 1000 Fountains into a tacky waterpark.  Obi-Wan: As patently offensive as I find that idea, I’d far prefer to be the reason Anakin is being obnoxious and delaying work on whatever plans you are working on that might hurt people who are still living. I am sure my fellow Jedi would agree.  “Vader”: You’ll live to regret this, Kenobi. I’m going to put a hot dog cart where you used to do your little meditations. “Vader”: I’m going to put an overpriced gift shop where the reflecting pool was. “Vader”: I’m going to put a trash can where the memorial marker for your beloved Master was. Obi-Wan: Just wait until Anakin gets to season three, and there’s no one to console him.  “Vader”: We’re not done here, Kenobi. I WILL find you. And you will be shown no mercy. Obi-Wan: Always happy to aid the Empire. Have a lovely day. 😎  

[forcearama]

RE Emperor Kenobi in Texts from Vader, it strikes me that this is mid Rebels timeline right? Which means there's another Kenobi obsessed cyborg running around and poor Vader is going to have to make an impassioned plea for Ahsoka to "Help rule the galaxy with us it'll be just like old times! Bring your rebel friends if you insist!" so he has someone to look after Obi-Wan while Vader goes to take out that rival for his attention... XD

Hahahahaha, OK so let’s PLEASE IMAGINE AHSOKA IN THIS AU. She’s out there, she’s Fulcrum-ing and helping the Rebels and whatnot, and then she finds out: 

A) Anakin is still alive and he’s Darth Vader B) Anakin has killed the EmperorC) Obi-Wan, who was also still alive AND still texting Anakin because he is hopeless, has now been installed as Galactic President for Life by Anakin. Who is a Sith Lord. 

…and now those two idiots, after all the Presumed Deaths and Betrayals and on and on and on, want her to come hang out with them again. I am just picturing her epic facepalm as, say, Bail drops more and more of this story on her (“So, uh, Master Kenobi was actually alive as well, and Vader texted him to tell him what happened, because of course Vader never stopped texting him in the first place and they’ve been in touch this whole time…”), and she’s just like “…WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS.” 

You know she’d show up at Imperial HQ, and take one look at Obi-Wan and be like “…seriously, Master?!” I’m dying at Obi-Wan, sitting there on the throne, guiltily being like “…yeah…I know, I know…I kept meaning to block his number…”

Vader’s having a ball in this AU, of course. He’s got a bunch of his people back, Sheev’s dead, the Death Star gets the soap opera channel. And he’s gonna go kill Maul, which is fun because he’s Vader and he enjoys murder AND has the added benefit of being something nice for Obi-Wan. (LOL, it’s like Vader’s a cat who’s bringing Obi-Wan a dead bird.) 

[forcearama]

Transcript

Sidious: [sitting in his office] ...Lord Vader.  Vader: Master. You...summoned me? Sidious: [putting on reading glasses] Yes I just...have a question about something unusual that was raised by one of our accountants recently.  Vader: Unusual, sir? Sidious: Well it seems that for the last several years we have been paying for wireless service on an old Republic device. They’ve looked into it and it appears that it’s your old comm. From, uh, before. Vader: ...mysterious, Master.  Sidious: [looking down over his glasses] Yes, that was precisely my reaction as well. Because if I am not mistaken, did I not purchase you a new comm shortly after the rise of the Galactic Empire? Vader: ...you did, my Lord.  Sidious: And the very strangest thing is, they tell me the old comm has sent out quite a large number of messages over these past years. Vader: ...perhaps someone has stolen it, sir? The, the troopers are often --  Sidious: -- there are transcripts, Lord Vader. Of the messages.  Vader: ... Sidious: Shall I read a few aloud? Vader: ...that -- Sidious: -- “I’m just saying that if you wanted to come over here and teach me a lesson I wouldn’t say no”...and here it says “LOL”, which I assume is an abbreviation for something.  Vader: Sir, you don’t need to read anym-- Sidious: “I’ve really been a very bad boy you know?” and then there is a series of small icons of a kissing face. And one that is winking.  Vader: Sir, please, I’m begging you --  Sidious: -- “Anakin you are the absolute worst, for the last time please stop texting me.”  Vader: [covering his face] Oh Force... Sidious: -- “Yeah right old man, as though you’d turn down a chance to give it --” [his eyes widen] Well, I’m not reading that. I think I have made my point? Vader: Sir, that’s...obviously someone else. Pre...tending to be me.  Sidious: [standing up and advancing towards Vader] And they’re doing that by pretending to be Anakin Skywalker, a dead Jedi, sending sexual text messages to a FUGITIVE?! For what purpose?! Vader: All right fine! It was me, but I...I thought perhaps I could lure him out, sir. He is a great threat to the galaxy. It’s like...undercover work.  Sidious: [through gritted teeth, smacking Vader in the mask with the transcript papers] I am not paying you to send this...filth to a traitor!  Vader: [annoyed] You’re not paying me at all!  Sidious: That is beside the point! I am cancelling this wireless contract. I do hope I won’t have to have this conversation with you again. 

[forcearama]

Vader: [text] ohhhkay very funny old man Vader: like i maybe thought for a min that u were serious  Vader: but we both know youd never hook up with someone else   Vader: u had the best so i know ur not gonna bother with the rest 😏 Vader: u can text me back now the joke is over  Vader: obiwan  Vader: obiwan if ur getting these write back so i know if my phone is working  Vader: ok i just called the tmobile guy and he said my phone is fine so go ahead and text me  Vader: obiwan  Obi-Wan: Sorry. Had a very late night last night. Was sleeping in a bit and then preparing breakfast. Vader: oh Vader: anyways like i was saying i totally know u were joking  Vader: the other day  Obi-Wan: About what? Vader: when u said that thing about having a new companion  Vader: u were just tryin to mess with me which actually frankly was kinda shitty of u  Vader: i mean it didnt bother me super bad or anything but still its not cool  Obi-Wan: I see. So death and destruction are things I should just move past, but you get to feel bad that I had someone else in my bed? Vader: omg obiwan I KNOW U ARE MESSING WITH ME OK Vader: [sends image] this is what i looked like ok do u even remember my chest or are u going senile now  Vader: like lolllllll for DAYZ that ur just going to settle for some cheap imitation of THAT Obi-Wan: Yes, you looked very nice. But many people are physically fit, Anakin.  Vader: wtf  Vader: i was not just “PHYSICALLY FIT” ok i was a living WORK OF ART ok  Vader: r u seriously implying u found someone even cLOSE to that lolllll  Vader: honestly just crawl out of wherever ur hiding and meet me on coruscant and ill show u that i still know how to show u a good time  Obi-Wan: Mass murder is a fairly big turn off for me, I’d say, so I think I will pass.  Vader: ugh oh sure it literally ALWAYS comes back to THAT with u doesnt it ffs ur so sensitive