Force-a-rama

Author and owner of Snark Wars dot com. Sometimes funny. Forever supporter of Ukrainians. Hater of fascists. She/her. Occasional politics/etc tagged with "non star wars".

[forcearama]

I should probably be more ashamed of how much I enjoy pissing off conservative commentators on the internet by pointing out their bad spelling.

I’m not. Honestly my favorite is when they try to use big grown up words and misspell them or use a homophone and act like they’re Very Learned.

[forcearama]

Uncle Owen ABSOLUTELY needs a line in the Kenobi series to someone about how he’s trying to find a droid that speaks Bocce.

* As you’ll all recall, this is something he is concerned about finding waaaaay back in A New Hope when he and Luke go to the Jawa Yard Sale and buy Artoo and Threepio.

* In the new canon comics Star Wars run from a few years back, we see him trying to find such a droid there as well. In this comic, Luke appears to be like 10-12 or somewhere around there:

* Owen (and his dad and stepmom) DID, however, own a droid that spoke Bocce at one point. You guys might recall that said droid was C-3PO, which Anakin left with/gave to his mom when he left Tatooine to go become a Jedi.

* Hilariously, when Anakin shows up in Attack of the Clones, after Shmi dies Anakin just TAKES THREEPIO WITH HIM. These poor farmers actually NEED the assistance of this droid, and here’s Anakin all “welp my mom definitely would want me to take this back with me, probably”. Like it doesn’t even appear that Anakin discussed this, he just marches off with a robot he doesn’t even really need, and it could certainly be argued he definitely does not own. He even told Padme back in The Phantom Menace that he’d built Threepio to help his mom. His stepfamily seems perfectly nice and seem to have been good to Shmi, and one would THINK Anakin might presume that his mother would WANT her husband and stepson who genuinely need this robot to help them on their farm in the middle of nowhere to retain ownership of it. Nope. He takes Threepio with him. 

* (Anakin then proceeds to give Threepio to Padme – because, again, Anakin does not have any immediate use for a protocol droid given that he is a busy Space Knight who spends less time running a moisture farm or hosting political dinner parties and more time swinging from chandeliers with Obi-Wan and whatever – which, I mean, OK. Obviously Threepio could be of help to a busy Senator, sure. But Padme is also well-off and could probably, I dunno, pick up a droid on her own? Or Anakin could just BUILD HER ANOTHER ONE?)

* Now, obviously it is possible that the Larses require multiple droids that speak Bocce. It’s also possible that they have owned many, but have bad luck with their droids and are frequently needing to replace them. BUT, it is also entirely possible that after Anakin kinda semi-stole Threepio from them, the Larses are never able to find another droid that speaks Bocce for the next 20+ years. And then when they finally DO, IT IS LITERALLY JUST THREEPIO AGAIN. 😂 (And then, as an ADDED bummer, poor Uncle Owen only retains ownership for like, 1 full day before he is murdered. By the Empire. THANKS AGAIN, ANAKIN.)

[starr234]

The Star Wars Saga but it’s just two decades of Owen Lars shopping around for a droid that speaks Bocce

[forcearama]

So since Ahsoka was in contact with Bail after the war but several years before Death Star I blew up, this means that Star Wars really passed on the opportunity for Bail to have been like "look I can't tell you any details about it, but BOTH of your dads are still alive, and yes, I'm sorry, they're still Like That. I tried to get them to deal with it but Obi-Wan ended up on fire and briefly buried alive. He's fine now -- and I do have this letter where he explains why it wasn't entirely Anakin's fault and we should maybe consider forgiving him. Incidentally I also can't elaborate but this is related to why Lord Vader's personal Sirius XM channel is playing wistful breakup songs 24/7 again".

(Wouldn't even have to explain why Ahsoka didn't go and find them immediately. She'd have been well within her rights to be like "oh for fuck's sake, nevermind then".)

[forcearama]

I just will NEVER be done laughing that Obi-Wan finds out Anakin's alive and within the next 4 hours or so he finds out that Anakin is somehow even more obsessed with him THAN HE EVEN USED TO BE. HIM. ANAKIN: Obi-Wan Appreciation Society, Self-Declared President for Life. ANAKIN: who stole every blanket off of every bed Obi-Wan ever slept in. ANAKIN: The Human Barnacle. ANAKIN: a man DARTH MAUL -- who himself was SO INSANE ABOUT OBI-WAN HE MANAGED TO SURVIVE BEING MURDERED BECAUSE OF IT -- once bitchily called Obi-Wan's "loyal foal". Yeah, THAT GUY. He is STILL OBSESSED, and IT IS SOMEHOW WORSE THAN BEFORE.

And there's Obi-Wan, getting over this incredibly shocking and insane news and IMMEDIATELY A) trying to talk sense into this idiot AGAIN, B) APOLOGIZING TO HIM AGAIN, C) getting set on fire by him and THEN CHOOSING TO GO SEE HIM AGAIN ANYWAYS. AND HE'LL DO IT AT LEAST ONE MORE TIME STILL BEFORE THEY BOTH CANONICALLY FINALLY DIE AND PUT THE UNIVERSE OUT OF ITS MISERY.

I HATE THEM. I HAAAAATE THEM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM. They're the best. I want them to make out but I want to be able to heckle and throw candy wrappers at them while they do it.

[forcearama]

@lurkingcrow replied to your post: Star Wars Things I Will Always Cry About (Not…

I’m sorry @forcearama I must protest because the idea of them running away and there never being a Skywalker-and-Kenobi is infinitely worse than canon! Now if we want to talk about an AU where Force warnings/ time travel lead to Obi-Wan picking up Anakin and running, well THAT’S another story! ��

Oh yes, by all means: they can run away TOGETHER, they don’t have to be split up, I just always want them to run away from… *waves arms* all…the Inevitable Sadness. Like they should just bolt right back to Shmi’s house or steal another ship and take off for wild space or something. Anywhere that is Sheev-free where they can hunker down until it’s time to reappear and save the universe. 

…now I’m just picturing Qui-Gon’s reaction to them fleeing the minute he introduces them, hahaha. 

[amidalascouture]

Sometimes the force worked in mysterious ways, most times it was his padawans fault. Freeing Anakin and bringing him unto the ship so he could be trained as a jedi had seemed like a good idea. He was not so sure now if that had been the intention of the force. His ‘Did you pick another pathethic lifeform up Master?’ apprentice with that annoyed tone in his voice and a much to sarcastic eyeroll was gone. At least that had to be the case, because the moment he was save on the ship, before he even got to introduce Obi-Wan to Anakin and vice versa, said Padawan had the boy in a lifethreatening tight hug. Along there training bond screemed a feeling he definetly did not expect; ‘This is mine’ with a heavy sense of belonging and devotion and love. The boy, nine years of age, seemed just a confused as him, but he did not struggle or complain but leaned into the hug as if that was the only truth. ___

Barely a day later they had made their way to Coruscant and Qui-Gon was none the wiser to his padawans erratic behaviour. Him and the boy were pretty much attached at the hip, they had huddled together in the night under a blanket and walked down with the Queen to escort her the rest of the way to the senate for some reason that Qui-Gon had no idea how to protest. He would have to talk later to Obi-Wan, he just hoped that they were punctual to the council meeting. Normally Obi-Wan was the epitome of punctualness and had often been nagging him about his time management of just trusting the force, but this new Obi-Wan had no eyes for clocks. ___

They were not late for the council mission, because they were entirely missing and nowhere to be found. He was not surprised as he should have been. The feeling of emptiness where their training bond had faded into nothingness was strange, because it did not feel like cut. He kept his thoughts to himself, the force did not protest. It seemed as if it was pleased in an odd kind of way. ___

He died on Naboo, but death was an ascension to a higher but more basic plane than the human mind can perceive while living. The padawan-master pair that had accompanied him had managed to turn the tides in the war in favor of Naboo, they gad struck down the Sith Lord and destroyed the control ship. In death he became one with the force but yet he remained one of an own consciousness. The training bond that had been shut down while he was alive, was now his pathway he tangled along. It lead him deep into the Wild Space on a planet he did not know the name of. Where he saw Obi-Wan and Anakin. Both were smiling and the force radiated with their joy. He did not reveal himself, the world of the living was after all for the living and it seemed they were doing well. ____

He did not watch them always, just a sneak peak here and then when nostalgia overcame him. Ten years had past in a blink of an eye. He was watching them now because they had left their paradise. They never had before, the small village near their cabin in the woods by the lake had provided them with everything they could not conjure up themselves. They had left as word reached them of the war. ___

Surpreme Chancellor Palpatines office was painted in red. It had an eerie and omnious aura to it after the truth had been revealed. The man had been Darth Sidious. He had risen to power, greedy, prideful and he laid there dead on the plush carpet like any other. Nothing had been surpreme about his death except the way Obi-Wan and Skywalker had thought as one. Every being was connected through the force, watching them, Qui-Gon was sure that this was truly meant to be. The Chosen One has fulfilled his prophecy. He just had never been a single person.

[forcearama]

…sometimes I feel like I won the fangirl lottery. Like, I post some half-assed, half-formed thought and someone’s like HERE HAVE THIS STORY ABOUT IT like… WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE and why are you so lovely!?

[lurkingcrow]

Damn! I was too slow! Oh well, have another take on this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“… meet Anakin Skywalker”

There were many things Qui-Gon Jinn might have expected from introducing his Padawan to the child he found on Tatooine. The sudden explosion in the Force was not one of them. Nor was the way the normally composed Obi-Wan seemed be hugging little Ani as if his life depended on it.

The way they seemed to look at one another before nodding and sprinting down  to jump out of closing gangway into the desert below was something he simply could not process.

But as much as he wants the pilot to turn back, as much as he aches to search for the boys, they have a mission and even Padmé’s pleas cannot convince the “queen” to return. Qui-Gon resigns himself to coming back as soon as he can to find out what the Sith Hell happened here!

Except when he gets to Coruscant and back from explaining to the council that he appears to have lost his Padawan again,  there’s a message waiting for him on one of the hidden lines he and Obi-Wan have used in the past. All it says is “We’re fine. Trust in me. Trust in the Force. Stay with Amidala.” He gives a sigh of relief and reluctantly does as suggested even if he wants nothing more than to throttle Obi-Wan for scaring him like this.

The strange warrior never reappears. An unknown pilot takes out the droid control ship before disappearing again, leaving behind only a hastily etched symbol that makes Amidala gasp and clutch something in her robes.

Anakin and Obi-Wan do not reappear.

But when he goes back to Tatooine there is no sign of them and Shmi is gone.

Time passes, and Qui-Gon gets in the habit of checking the secret inbox every day in the hope of finding another message. He never does.

Until one day he’s on a mission, and things are looking hopeless - he’s pinned down and whoever is behind this has planned things well, neatly cutting off some of his more unorthodox options. But then there’s the hum of another lightsaber, and the whine of a ship’s engines and soon Qui-Gon finds himself on his way off planet, staring at two bright grinning faces as the compound erupts in explosions behind him.

“Apologies Master.” Says the confident young man who looks like his Padawan but feels like an experienced Knight. “We had to be sure what a certain adversary of ours was going to do this time.”

“I told you he was lying.” pipes up not-quite-so Little Ani, his voice wavering with the start of puberty, but full of amusement. “You owe me five credits.”

“Later Anakin.” Obi-Wan waves off Anakin’s statement with gentle humour before turning back to Qui-Gon with a twinkle in his eye and oh Force, the very air itself seems to vibrate with potential. “Now Master, how would you like to join us and save the galaxy, end the Sith and stick it to the council?”

And Qui-Gon laughs, loud and large.

“I can’t think of anything I want more.”

[forcearama]

Me: I mean, they were on Tatooine. And who lives there? Gangsters…

Son: Right, smugglers…

Me: Space drug dealers, I assume…

Son: well, and moisture farmers?

Me: Right, but you know as well as I do farmers don’t count in Star Wars, what with doing what is apparently the lowliest profession on earth despite it being literally necessary for life to exist almost anywhere.

Son: [laughing] Oh right, how could I forget about the recurring theme of Star Wars Versus The Farming Community?

Me: Galen Erso??? A MAN OF HIS TALENTS, farming???? Like some FARMER??? Luke’s just not a FARMER, because that is gross and being a weird hobo wizard who dies live-streaming himself across space to own his own psychotic nephew is his TRUE calling!

(For the record, this conversation started when I brought up how fucking hilarious and wonderful it is to me that everyone in Jabba’s Palace in that beginning part of ROTJ evidently all went to bed and turned out the lights like all of these criminals — who are all different SPECIES — have the same BEDTIME and then it’s Lights Out for everyone 😂 like even if you assume it was some kind of ruse to lull The Heroes into complacency, then that just means Team Rebel Heroes is astronomically dumb (which, to be clear: they ARE, but also ANAKIN is part of the Empire, so, it’s still not like they’re hopelessly outwitted. That dude is probably on Death Star II at that moment trying to send money to a Nigerian Prince scammer.)

[forcearama]

Some of my Favorite Snark Wars Subheadings for Obi-Wan and Anakin:

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Dance Chaperone Here To Ruin Your Good Time

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Owed Many Thousands of Credits for Babysitting

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Will Totally Kill You or Maybe Have Sex With You

Obi-Wan Kenobi, World’s Handsomest Hostage

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Disappointment Incarnate

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Handing Out Homework Assignments From Beyond the Grave

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sure Knows A Lot About Bars

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Too Busy To Die

Anakin Skywalker, Basically a Preschooler

Anakin Skywalker, The Hero With No Friends

Anakin Skywalker, Deadbeat Employee

Anakin Skywalker, Dramatic Finger-Pointer

Anakin Skywalker, Increasingly Evil Heartthrob

Anakin Skywalker, Man With No Plan

Anakin Skywalker, On Fire But Not In The Literal Sense This Time

Anakin Skywalker, Real Housewife of the Jedi Order

Anakin Skywalker, Best Star Pilot in Galaxy According To Totally Unbiased Source

[forcearama]

I could post something as blatantly stupid as possible about what would happen if Anakin and Obi-Wan left the Order and became sports team mascots or something equally insane and I’d probably still manage to get replies and asks that are like: 

“Actually according to [some random thing] there was no such thing as sports mascots in Star Wars so this couldn’t happen” “The Jedi Order would never have let Anakin leave to be a sports mascot even if that was what his heart truly desired, it’s so unfair” “Obi-Wan would never become a mascot because he’s a True Jedi and would never abandon his duties to the Republic” “This is very funny but seems kind of out of character tbh”

Just…sometimes, people, I swear to the Force. 😂

[forcearama]

Not to brag but like, no other OTP is ever gonna be able to compare, especially after all this.

"Oh my OTP is crazy about each other" um cool my OTP are literally insane about each other, they have a spiritual connection that makes them share dreams and sense each other from across the universe, their breakup was the most dramatic thing I've ever seen, one of them built a gigantic castle NEXT to the site of said breakup so he could stare at it all the time, one of them was so destroyed by their breakup he figuratively buried them both together and then slept on a rock in a cave for TEN YEARS. Your OTP is obsessed? MY OTP SET EACH OTHER ON ACTUAL FIRE.

[forcearama]

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS BOOK FOREVER BYE

(from William Shakespeare’s The Tragedy of the Sith’s Revenge: Star Wars Part The Third)

[forcearama]

Everything that has happened thus far related to cloning in all of Star Wars is batshit crazy, only partially makes sense some of the time, I have no idea where they're going with pretty much any of it, and SO MUCH OF IT is funny to me.

* The Republic gets an army of clones made for them in secret and despite having a VERY poor-to-hazy understanding of when or how or why said army came to be (based, as it is, on like ONE 45-minute discussion Obi-Wan had with some shifty characters), decides to just say "fuck it" and start using it immediately because they're in a jam and no way that could backfire

* the template for this army is more or less just Some Guy, and while obviously it's implied that Jango's buff and a badass and whatever, we never really get much of ANY real explanation (that I am aware of) about WHY this guy of all guys is THE guy. Did the bad guys just take the first dude they ran into in a cantina who wanted to make some fast cash? Also one thing this dude stipulated as part of the deal was that he wanted to have an additional clone of himself made to raise as a son and everyone was just like "sure OK"

* The Bad Batch is a thing. Clones that all happen to have traits that would have been, y'know, super useful for clone soldiers? Like if you CAN make them all super-strong, or whatever, WHY WOULD THEY NOT HAVE? Can they not select for certain traits?? Was Sheev unwilling to shell out the extra cash for the deluxe cloning package or something (because of course he didn't want them to be TOO good, but also HOW WOULD THEY EXPLAIN THAT TO THE KAMINOANS)??

* Dex tells Obi-Wan the Kaminoans are "damn good cloners". As I have mentioned before, A) this implies that cloning happens elsewhere besides just Kamino, B) implies that these other operations are perhaps subpar??? (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN), and C) Obi-Wan has effectively no reaction to Dex saying this, which would seem to imply that Obi-Wan, and possibly the galaxy at large, is aware of large-scale cloning operations and I guess this is just accepted as fine? How many people walking around the GFFA are actually clones? Did Sidious and Dooku and whoever the fuck else was involved have to spend like 6 years vetting different cloning operations and getting quotes before they signed with Kamino??

* Random Snoke clones in a tank happened that one time, and I will never ever be over how ballsy and confusing and insane and stupid this was

* Sidious...was a clone in Episode 9? Like as in he came back ("somehow", of course) as one? I think? But it was also still him, I guess? Because also he said he died before? I honestly don't even remember how they tried to hand-wave this whole thing and I hope every explanation Star Wars ever gives me just gets me further way from understanding anything

* whatever the fuck is happening with cloning in The Mandalorian

* A favorite moment in Oh Shit Cloning Is a Thing That Exists in Canon: that time in Bloodline where Claudia Gray had to go out of the way to be like AND DEFINITELY PALPATINE NEVER LET ANYONE COLLECT ANY OF ANAKIN'S GENETIC MATERIAL SO HE CAN NEVER EVER BE CLONED, which at this point I basically assume means we're absolutely getting Clone Anakin within the next 5 years (which, if it's not already on a whiteboard somewhere at Lucasfilm, you know it is now):

[forcearama]

I LOVE UR COMMENTARIES AND STUFF. Can u give us a short review,, like, a rundown of everything u like about hanleia?

Aww, thanks! 💜

I love Han and Leia and I will be bitter about how things went down for them in the Sequel Trilogy for the rest of time EVEN IF EPISODE 9 IS AMAZING AND INCLUDES A PALPATINE MUSICAL NUMBER AND AN OBIKIN FORCE GHOST DIP-KISS, OK? Some things you just can’t take back, JJ. Hmmph. 

ANYWAYS. Han and Leia. They are a GODDAMN PAIN IN THE ASS, and I love them. I do not understand how anyone in the Rebellion could possibly have put up with them, and honestly I WAY understand why Luke just happened to constantly need to go off on his own little Jedi Knowledge Quests all the fucking time, because JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST I would be looking for an escape, too: 

This is them interacting in like, TWO COMICS. That cover like 93 minutes of their lives. 

Han being so incredibly oblivious near the end of Return of the Jedi is a highlight for me, too. I feel like he and Leia were probably buying a house or something, they were married, and Leia was pregnant, and Han still was like “…wait, OMG, I know I’ve joked about it a lot but do you really like like me?” (In his defense, I mean, Leia did tell him she hated him and literally kick his ass at one point, so. 😂) 

Also, this will never not be funny to me: 

Every single thing about these parts of these scenes is GOLD. EVERY PERSON’S FACE. 

Leia and Anakin: A N D ANOTHER THING 

Obi-Wan and Han: *judging their own self for being into this person* 

[freddjjj]

A kiss in space.

[emlovestarwars]

padawan Obi-Wan you’ll always live in my heart

[hashtag-padme-matters]

Goodbye (Sad Beeps) by scadarts

[originalleftist]

And then R2 spent the next 20+ years fucking up Vader's shit.

Who carried the Death Star plans from Padme's daughter to Padme's son?

Who flew copilot on the mission to blow up said Death Star?

This guy.

Hello. My name is R2D2. You killed Padme. Prepare to die.

[leggywormy]

It's end of May, yall know what that means

[forcearama]

When the hell did TFA come out? 2014? 2015? Whatever; it was a WHILE ago now.

WHY does it not bother ANYONE ELSE WHO LIKES STAR WARS (note: YES I'm being hyperbolic) that THAT -- Luke's a depressed failure who's let down everyone who supported him, and not because he's off-world for Bigger Purposes -- was the story. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

Let me be clear: a FUCKTON of Star Wars from the get-go made no sense. There is a difference between "this hilarious nonsense doesn't super make sense, but I get that the writers love these characters and knew it would be fun/funny" and "I dunno, as a white man in his late middle age I know I have to say that I like Star Wars and Superheroes, but the last Star Wars I watched was Empire when I was in grade school. So like...the audience all want a Shocking Twist? Which I super do not know how to write the conclusion to, but if they'd like a bullshit setup I know plenty of guys who can write that. By the way when the punchline is underwhelming and you all hate it, it's the other guy's fault."

[kenloganroy]

CLONE WARS GAMBIT: SIEGE | Karen Miller