My mum and dad got divorced when I was at a very young age around 7-8y.o. My mum re married and I was left with my dad who was I'm the military force. He was always deployed in the operation and not at home most of the time. Taking care of me was my aunt who was in her mid 30s.
I remember during my school days I was a wimpy boy who was quiet and timid.
Slender and fair and doesn't have many friends around me most of the time I was hanging around with the girls and most of the boys jeered and make fun of me because of that.. maybe they are jealous of me having good friendship with the girls...
And truly I'm well mannered doesnt talk loudly and using vulgarity or rough words so I was deem to be a sissy confront of the boys
The schooling days was a tough one for me having loneliness at home and not having someone I can trust to talk to...although i have mainly the girls friend but i know I'm not really a part of their conversation they cant share the girls things that they are gg thru...hence I cant never be a trusted friend. That's how I think...I begin wanting to be like them...have long hair that can be tied up wearing skirts, neat and tidy appearances..In fact when I'm around 6-7 y.o i start to think why I'm different from a girl and that's when I discover the difference between a girl and boy.
Questioning myself why am I not a girl why I was born a boy? I started to get curious and wanted to try wear a dress. But I was too young and who I can look forward to is my aunt..she is in her mid 30s and an attractive woman as I can see she have alot of Male friends some I often see them around with her. I would sneak into her closet and see all her clothes and lingerie. Observe her appearance and makeup, the clothes she worn...h&M, forever21, Zara all the clothes she had are so pretty and I wish I can wear them and look as pretty and attractive...So at a tender age of 8-9 I begin to explore women clothes and makeup but I only started to wear my aunt clothes when I'm around 12-13 y.o.. I dont know how I know most of the girly things but I just understand how to make up and wear bra and panties and have my Male part tucked... maybe it's thru the observation and my group of girls friend... my aunt is slim and slender so the clothes she have are mostly XS or S which i can sometime fit some are a little oversized for me but still I think I look pretty in it...😍
This lasted for a few months and which time I became bolder from just the lingerie to dress, blouse , skirt, stocking, makeup etc and my aunt ain't dumb she know someone is touching her things but kept quiet. But for me I'm clumsy and dumb I might have mess up the thing she placed in order...she know I did it every afternoon when I'm back from school and at late night during weekends when she goes out partying or holiday trips..
During this time of dressing up, I felt more and more wanting to become a girl. It a strange feeling, inside of me there seem to be girl trying to come out but the outside of me is trying to moderate the out burst knowing this is a perverted thoughts there are little knowledge of what this is all about....the only thing that I know is its abnormal...I try to read and research about it it's the age of the internet at that time but still there are limited information back then. But I learned from chatting platform talk to sister with similar issue and who are just like me I'm definitely not alone...all this topic on cross dressing, transgender m2f, ladyboy, hormone replacement therapy, Srs (sex reassignment surgery), sexuality etc
Now that I knew I'm not the odd one out I felt better. I know it's a mental disorder but I also knew that I'm an Asian and this is not acceptable in the society I'm in..all this thoughts I have need to be kept secret..its a struggle like fighting against my own self...the only time I can let out the women in me is the private time i have to dress up as a girl looking in to the mirror seeing the beautiful face in the mirror...i know it's a not right to wear my aunt's clothes but I'm still a student financially i can afford. I begin saving up but it too little to get what I wanted...
I mentioned that my aunt knew but kept mum about it. I also try my best not to dirty any of her clothes, panties but I cant help the pre cum that leaks when I see it I will clean and dry it I guess sometime I'm too muddled head...so there was this day which I thought my aunt was at work and will usually return in the late evening...after shower and drying up I step into her room and took out a set of black panties and bra..slip into the bra hooking the back of the strap skillfully as though I wear it daily and tucked my little boy peck into the panties which fits almost like it was mine.. I look into the full length mirror adjust my bra abit and pull my panties tighter so it will hold my manhood in position.. I hate my boy hair style...I took out the wig which I bought after month of saving from my drawer which I hidden it in layer of clothes like a pirate hiding his treasure chest..putting on the mid length wig and look into the mirror again...smiling at myself I look almost like any of the girls in my school. Everytime that happen I will ask myself why am I not born a real girl why is it so unfair why I need to hid and do this like a thief...telling myself I want to be a girl badly God if you hear this please turn me into a princess..of course that was how naive I was back then..I have so short time to enjoy this i need to hurry...opening up the compact powder foundation I begin applying on my face lightly and colouring my lip with a glossy mellow red lipstick...that's all I can afford but enough to brighten up my face a little to look pretty..next I slide open the closet where my aunt latest collection of clothes and took out a floral red skater dress. Slipping up the dress and zipping up the back of the dress before turning to the full length mirror..that imagine of me is what I wanted not to remember but to be let this without capturing it into by memory..At this moment I hear the footstep and clinging sound of keys..before I can react the room door open and my aunt saw me in full dress..my heart almost stopped.....Not surprise by what she saw but a little shock that someone is in her room my aunt look at me and stare for a while..my throat was choke with words feeling a gush of blood rising to my head. Shawn? Is that you?
All I did was nod and look down to the floor. Are you the one who touch my clothes and makeup? I was a little surprise to hear that but remain silent..hey Shawn you better own up else I'm going to ask you father here to see his son turn daughter. You know your father shawn you know what he will do. Aunt please dont please dont tell my dad I am sorry to touch your stuff please dont tell my dad i will do anything but please dont tell my dad about this. Then you have to tell my the truth why are you doing this. My heads was running around searching for an answer.
Should I tell my aunt my true feeling or should I just tell her a lies and promise not to do this ever again....
"Shawn look at me, Do you have anything to say about this? " she said in a calm tone. I suspect and knew you have been touch my things for several months. I didn't sound out because I thought you are only curious and will stop in a while but it obviously didn't. And I realised my birth control pills are missing a whole lot every month and that's the point I thought I need to talk to you. Are you trying to turn into a girl? Do u know what will happen if u take these pill over time? I remain silent and tears wells up in my eyes. Her tone change alittle as I didn't speak up. She Pick up her phone by her tote bag, I am going to call your dad now. Aunt! Please dont and kneel down . I'm really sorry . Dont tell me sorry I want to hear why are you doing all this. Aunt I want to be a girl and I hate being a boy..I dont look like a boy anyway but I feel happy when I'm dress up as a girl. I took the pills because I know it is female hormones and I wanted it so badly. Hearing this my aunt move towards me and held me up and lead me to the side of her bed and sat me down. Ok Shawn but birth control pill are not the right medication for this. Also your dad will probably kill you when he see you like this. But Aunt I couldn't help it I just wanted to feel happy. I am always bullied and isolated in school. My peer call me a fag, ah gua, gay all this nasty words I didn't took it to heart but it still hurt me when I'm feeling lonely and what makes me happy every day is to know that I have a private time be look like what I think I should be like..
At this point my tears was pouring and my makeup smudged my aunt place her arms around my shoulder and give me a hug. Shawn if you wanted to live like this then you have to do it the right way and all the way. You need to think about the things that will happen in the future if you take this path and dont regret it. You know it's better being a guy. Being the stronger sex you have a lots of benefit and privileges. Being female you will be the weaker sex over Male. Shawn I think you are old and mature enough to think for yourself. Aunt will be supportive in whatever decision u make but taking this path your dad will be someone you will be having tough time with. I nodded and remove the female clothes and makeup change into my boy clothes and return to my room. I lied on my bed and have a long thought.......
During that time, I had a online friend whom i known for a while from the picture posted on his social media he looks mature and was probably in his 40s. I have been chatting with him for quite a while exchanging picture of myself dress and he return some picture of him. I was feeling down that day my mind is floating as all this thoughts flooded my mind and I just want to stop thinking about it...after listening to my issues, he ask me to come out to have a chat. I dont really like to meet people who knows that I'm a CD but he was really a nice man from the conversation we had and he told me that he really wish to see me as a girl. I finally agree as he make me feel like I am a girl patience, loving and nice..
To be continued................
