NOTES ➝ Alexa crawls into bed with Dani after an escort date gone very wrong.
ALEXA LOPEZ
Alexa really would consider herself a strong person, but even the strongest of people weren’t built to withstand the kind of thing she’d gone through tonight. A part of her still wondered if it had been a dream, even after she’d crept into the house in the same close she’d been wearing for her escort date. Usually, she was more careful, and made sure to change before she’d gotten home, but not tonight. She was still shaking; she could still feel his hands on her. All she wanted to do was hide out inside of her home, lock the door and curl up into her girlfriend’s arms. What had happened between the time she’d stopped texting Dani and now just made their entire fight seem so insignificant. Lexi hadn’t felt like she’d been in the wrong, but she truly didn’t care anymore. She’d get on her knees and beg for forgiveness if that was what it took; she just needed Dani. She needed that protection.
Just the thought of her girlfriend made Alexa’s eyes fill up with salty tears all over again. She hadn’t cried, not really. She’d been on the verge of it, but she was still too numb to really let herself feel anything. Fortunately for her, it was too late for any of the dogs to care about flipping out like they usually did when she opened the door, and for Dani to be up. Whether she was awake or not was a whole different story, but regardless, Alexa was able to make her way quietly to her room, and then to lock herself in her bathroom without Dani seeing her attire. It was a cocktail dress; something she wouldn’t have been able to explain if she’d been caught. It was after she’d taken it off and climbed into the shower that she’d really let herself break down. No one was supposed to touch her. No one but Dani. Even though what’d happened had been completely against her will, Alexa felt like she’d done something she shouldn’t have. She felt like she’d betrayed her girlfriend, and she felt dirty. No amount of standing under the hot water could make her feel any cleaner.
She was a stripper, so she’d never been ashamed of her body, but as Alexa climbed out of the shower and caught sight of herself in the mirror, she felt sick. She felt violated, and like her body wasn’t hers anymore. She couldn’t continue to look at herself, so quickly tore her gaze away, and headed back out into her room, tossing everything she’d been wearing into the trashcan. She didn’t want to keep anything he’d touched. In fact, she planned to burn it, but not tonight. Tonight, all she could really manage was to pull on a pair of pajamas and to towel dry some of the water droplets from her hair, then she was done. That was her limit for tonight. That numb feeling came back to her as she quietly left her room, closing the door behind her, then headed for Dani’s instead. Softly, she pushed open the door, tiptoeing inside and ignoring the way her eyes filled up again when she saw her girlfriend. Biting her lip, she walked over to the bed, climbing under the covers and moving closer to her girlfriend.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice shaky. At least her wet hair would mask the fact that a tear had finally rolled down her cheek as she pressed her lips to the other girl’s shoulder. Their fight also made it easier for her to apologize, because at least that looked like what she was apologizing for. “I love you. I’m sorry.”
NOTES ➝ Cassie is very confused about her night with Addy, and goes to the only person who knows about her totally-not-gay feelings.
CASSIDY HARPER
This was not a conversation Cassie expected to be having with her sister; at least not again. Once had been more than enough, and Cassie had been devastated about it then. Why? She had no idea. It wasn’t as if Dani was any form of straight, or like she would judge her for not being completely hetero herself, but Cassie just couldn’t admit it, not even to herself. She hated herself for these feelings she was having, and even more so after last night.
She’d been shitfaced, sure, but aware enough to still remember what she was doing. If she’d really wanted to stop it, she would’ve been able to before it’d even started, but she’d been all too eager to go back to Adelaide’s place with her, and the scariest part of it all was that she didn’t even completely regret it. Not until she’d gotten Addy’s text, anyway. It was hypocritical of her, since she’d literally just told the blonde she was a straight girl experiment, but Adelaide’s response made her feel kind of used. Even though she knew for sure that that wasn’t the case.
Cassie’s head was spinning, and not only from the killer hangover she was suffering through. She’d drank way too much last night. She’d also taken to eating less and less lately, which made her feel terrible in general. All of that, plus being an idiot and crying in her bedroom about how disgusted she was with herself for being so into what had happened last night, was just really screwing with her head. It felt like it was about to explode as she made the short journey from she and Dena’s place to her sister’s.
Pulling up outside, she’d checked her reflection in the mirror. Cassie had forgone makeup today, which was probably smart, since her mascara would be running right down her cheeks right now. But also not, because her eyes were all red and puffy without anything to conceal them. She couldn’t bring herself to care too much, though, and climbed out of her car, heading quickly to Dani’s house and letting herself in. She didn’t need anybody seeing her.
“I’m so not in the mood for this,” she said, her voice croaky from all of the yelling—and total screaming—last night, plus with the way she’d been crying. She’d been speaking to Gaby’s dogs, who were circling her legs and jumping up at her. She resisted the urge to kick them away, instead walking past them and their owner who just had to ask if she was okay. Cassie just glared at her, with the other girl telling her Dani was in her room, then headed upstairs without a word. She didn’t bother to knock on her sister’s door; instead just letting herself in and instantly feeling her eyes start to fill up again as she looked at the other girl.
NOTES ➝ Alexa doesn’t feel well and Dani can tell something’s up.
Lexi didn’t know how much longer she could keep this up. It wasn’t so much the hiding what had happened part, but more so the part where she didn’t feel like herself anymore. She missed herself, she wanted herself back, but she’d been lost ever since that night, and it really was killing her. The fact that she’d even been making it to classes had been a miracle, though her head definitely wasn’t in the game at all, and she’d been working as little as possible. Fortunately, her boss was always happy to work around her schedule, so Lexi had layered the topic of finals on very thick, and Frank had cut back her hours at her request. She’d only worked three times since it’d all happened, and they’d been short shifts, where Alexa’s mind had been totally elsewhere, and she’d stuck to walking around in her underwear and bringing drinks to tables, rather than actually dancing, and giving lap dances was completely out of the question for her. Frank hadn’t pushed, which she was grateful for. She was also grateful for a weekend off, and could really think of nothing better than lounging around with her girlfriend and their dogs like they were right now. Alexa was curled into Dani, while the dogs played on the floor, her eyes on the TV, though she wasn’t paying much attention. One big issue ever since it had happened was that, no matter what she did, she always felt dirty. She’d showered once today while Dani had been out, and couldn’t resist the urge she had to go scrub herself clean again now. “Babe,” she tilted her head back to look up at her girlfriend, giving her a soft smile, “I’m gonna go shower, okay? I’m not really paying attention to this, but you can tell me if I miss anything exciting.” She pushed herself upright, turning back to the other girl and pressing a small kiss to the corner of her mouth. “I’ll be quick.
Dani was never really good at telling when something was wrong. Unless someone was to tell her exactly what was going on, she would assume that everything was fine. It was different with Lexi. There was something that didn't feel quite tight, although Dani couldn't put her finger on it. Things around the house seemed as normal as usual. Other than the fact that they hadn't sex since before their last fight. At first Dani had been worried that Lexi was still pissed, but she didn't seem like she was. Then she started to wonder if she was making it up on her head. It was close to the end of the school year, everyone was worried about finals. It wouldn't be so weird if they focused on that for now. It still didn't seem right, though. Not that she had told that to her girlfriend. Truth be told, she didn't know how to bring it up. What was she supposed to say? That she felt a disturbance in the force? She might as well accept that she's probably just paranoid. With the two of them being cuddled up together now, she didn't feel like anything was wrong. The whole sex thing very well could be because they're busy with other things. Which is fine. Shit happens and that's totally cool with Dani. Still, when her girlfriend stood up to say she was taking a shower, she wasn't going to pass up on in the opportunity. "Well, actually." She said, pushing herself up quickly. "I'm not really paying attention to this, either, so I wouldn't be much help." She shrugged. "I would totally be a lot more help if I joined you."
Lexi missed plenty of other things about how she was before everything had happened, not just herself. She missed being able to be close to Dani without flinching whenever the other girl so much as brushed her hand a little too close to her chest, and she really missed sex with her. What had happened definitely hadn’t made her less attracted to her girlfriend. She wished so badly that she could just climb on top of her and start fucking her, but she was scared that Dani would reciprocate. The thought of being touched terrified her, and Lexi wasn’t willing to risk it. She was sure Dani would start to question her soon, but so far, she’d been in the clear. Finals were keeping everybody busy, so if her girlfriend was to ask, that would be her excuse. For now, she was just going to continue as she was, and hope that the subject didn’t come up. It was probably stupid of her to even mention showering; she should’ve gotten up, said she’d be right back, then gone in her own bathroom and locked the door. Of course Dani was going to want to join her if she knew where she was going, and Lexi really couldn’t blame her. Truth be told, she wanted her to join her, too. She just didn’t want what it would lead to. The moment of panic she felt when her girlfriend began to sit up too was something she was able to quickly hide, and instead just smiled as she looked at her. “You’re cute. I don’t know if I really feel like it, though,” she said, now frowning. “Not you coming with me, I just mean I don’t know if I feel like showering anymore. Sitting up kind of made my head spin,” she lied, “I think I need to just lay back down. And since neither of us are watching this, maybe we could just turn it off, go lay in one of our beds and get our cuddle on?”
Dani: me raised her eyebrow in confusion. Lexi had never turned her down before, so that was the last thing she had expected her to say. Or maybe she wasn't exactly turning her down, but it was really weird that she suddenly didn't want to get into the shower. Dani had gotten up just as quickly and she didn't feel dizzy. Although, that might not mean anything. Lexi could be sick for all she knew. The thought made her frown, because she really didn't know. Something didn't feel right and that frustrated her. "Oh." She mumbled, throwing herself back. She didn't know what else to say, but she wasn't about to throw a fit because her girlfriend didn't want to shower with her. Ouch. Thinking about it like that kind of stung. "Yeah, sure. We can do that." She said, forcing herself up to turn off the tv. She was okay with cuddling, so that was no big deal, but she still thought it was really weird. Lexi changed her mind really quick. So quick that Dani didn't really believe her when she said it wasn't because she wanted to join her. She seemed all for it until then. "Whose room are we going to? We can always go to mine, but be warned; it's a mess. Ya know, like always."
Lexi was better at reading Dani than Dani was at reading her, and she could tell that she definitely didn't believe her. The way she reacted made it obvious, and Alexa felt terrible. It wasn't Dani's fault that this had happened to her. It wasn't anyone's fault but her own; if she wasn't working the escort job on the side, this would've never happened. It was karma finally getting her back, she was sure of it. Still, that wasn't her girlfriend's fault, and it made Lexi feel like shit that the other girl was suffering for it. She wasn't sure whether it was because she was lying and feeling bad about it, or if she was just imagining it, but she started to feel a little nauseous out of nowhere. She tried to ignore it, though, and instead held out her hand to the other girl once she'd turned off the TV. "I'm not feeling brave enough to deal with the aftermath of hurricane Dani right now," she teased, taking her girlfriend's hand, "Let's go with my room." Lexi didn't want to overcompensate, but she also didn't want Dani to know something was wrong, so squeezed onto her hand gently, tugging her closer. "Have I told you today how much I love you?" She asked in a softer voice, pouting her lips and pointing to them for Dani to kiss her.
Dani had to force a laugh at the 'hurricane Dani' thing. She usually liked the teasing, so she wouldn't have to fake anything if she didn't have something on her mind. Mostly trying to figure out what was going on with her girlfriend. She hated feeling like something was wrong and not knowing what it was, but she was paranoid now. Or maybe it wasn't nothing. Maybe there was something going it. It was the not knowing that would drive her crazy. If she continued to feel this way, she would demand some answers. The only reason she wasn't now was because, it could still be nothing at that point. At least Lexi didn't seem upset about anything, so Dani could let it go for now and go to bed with her. "No." She smiled softly, shaking her head before she leaned on to kiss her. "I love you, too. Now let's go lay down. I'm suddenly feeling tired." She lied, leading Lexi to her room. She didn't feel the least bit tired, but she wanted to lay down with her girlfriend. She would at least feel a little better if they were cuddled up again. That was always comforting, even when Lexi was the one confusing her.
Lexi could tell the small laugh was fake, and as much as it sucked to know all of this was obviously bothering her girlfriend, she at least appreciated her trying to act like things were okay. Alexa knew how unhealthy this all was; all of the faking around one another, but right now, it was necessary for her, so she was in no position to tell Dani to stop it. At least the smile looked genuine when she’d paused to tell her she loved her, and Lexi’s words were definitely true. Her feelings for the other girl were something she didn’t have to fake, nor was her own smile when she felt her girlfriend’s lips against her own. “I love you,” she said softly, kissing back. The kiss didn’t last as long as she would’ve liked it to, but at least they were still touching as Dani led the way up to her room, with Lexi lacing their fingers. Usually, she would’ve been doing flirty little things now, like reaching out to grab her girlfriend’s butt, or pulling her back to start kissing her neck from behind, her hands wandering inside of her shirt or just slightly slipping inside of her pants, but Alexa couldn’t even face the thought of that now. She wanted to be like that with Dani so badly; she just didn’t dare to let her be the same way back. Holding her hand, though, she could do, so it sucked to have to let go once they’d reached her room, but it was necessary. “I’m just gonna change real quick, but if you’re tired, you should lay down,” she said, offering the other girl a small smile as she headed for her pajama drawer. She grabbed a gray tank and pajama shorts, hoping that Dani wouldn’t question the fact that she wasn’t just going to strip down to her underwear—or even less—like she usually would, and disappeared into her bathroom, locking the door behind her, before her girlfriend could even stop her. It was pathetic that she was too scared to change in front of the person she loved, and Lexi really hated herself for it.
Dani had never been the best at reading people. Unless they were someone she was close with, she didn't care enough to try. Since she cared about Lexi more than anyone, she could definitely tell when something felt off. And things felt way off. The problem was, Dani wasn't sure if she even wanted to know. She could be good at living in denial. She could brush off her problems as her just being paranoid, but how long would all of that really last? She honestly didn't know. She wished that she did, because at least then she would have some sort of plan. If she was smart, she would think of a way to bring this up. That way they can talk things out rationally, even if it was just to reassure Dani that things were okay. Unfortunately, doing things rationally had never really been her style. She was the kind of person who would bottle things up until she exploded. Why? Who really knew. She was just set in her ways now. At the very least, that meant that she could lay with her girlfriend and pretend that everything was okay. It wasn't exactly ideal, but if Lexi had something to say, she could just say it. Dani wasn't going to push her. She pouted when Lexi let go of her hand, already missing the contact. "Fine. Just change quickly." When it came to her girlfriend, Dani of course wanted to be around her, but lately she felt this need to cling to her. Probably because she was getting this vibe that she was pulling away. It certainly didn't help when her girlfriend grabbed her clothes and went straight for the bathroom. That was really fucking weird. Since when did she need to go to another room to change? This would hardly be the first time she's changed in front of Dani. "Okay, then...." She mumbled, sighing in confusion as she threw herself into the bed. Whatever was going on was starting to feel really bad. It was killing Dani that she didn't know what it was. She knew one thing for sure, though. She better not hear her girlfriend turn on that damn shower.
Lexi knew that none of this was fair to Dani. She hadn’t asked for this. Neither had Alexa, or at least not in so many words. This was more her fault than it was her girlfriend’s, though, so it really did kill her to know how much she was either hurting or confusing her. Maybe both, in fact. She tried her hardest not to think about the look on her girlfriend’s face as she disappeared into the bathroom, her heart racing until the door was locked. This was so pathetic. Dani would never hurt her, she’d never do anything to make her uncomfortable. Yet, here she was, hiding her body away from her. The shower was right there, and Lexi considered jumping in, but she decided against it. If Dani wasn’t already questioning everything, she was sure as soon as she heard the water running, that’d screw everything up. So, instead, she quickly changed out of her clothes and into her pajamas, tossing the clothes into the hamper, then headed back out to the bedroom. She hoped how fast she was would help a little bit, and forced a bright smile as soon as she was in the room again. “Hi,” she greeted, climbing onto the bed and laying down on her back with her head on the pillows, though she turned her face towards her girlfriend, just looking at her for a moment. Dani really was beautiful, and Lexi would honestly dare to say she was probably the best thing to have ever happened to her. That thought had started an inward battle with herself lately about whether she should end things with her, because this wasn’t fair to her. She couldn’t, though. Maybe she was selfish, but she just couldn’t let her go. “Come cuddle with me,” she eventually whispered, holding out her hand, “You’re too far away.”
Dani would be lying if she said she wasn't tempted to just go to her own room. There were only so many things she could let go before she snapped. If she thought she was paranoid before; that was slowly fading away right now. It was easy to blame some things on stress and finals, so that's what she had done at first. They two of them were busy, things would be better come summertime. That made sense. Or it used to make sense. That didn't exactly explain why Lexi seemed so jumpy, or why she couldn't do something as simple as change in front of Dani. That's what was really weird. If she didn't want to shower with her, that was one thing. It was still confusing for Dani, but she wasn't going to be pushy about it. Changing in front of her, though? That shouldn't even be a big deal. It never had been before. They were having sex way before they were even together, so it's not like she was hiding something that Dani had never seen before. Unless she wasn't just changing in there, but Dani dismissed that thought as quickly as she had it. What the hell else could she be doing? Even if she was hiding something, which Dani was sure she was, she was out of that bathroom too quickly to be up to something. At least, that's what Dani had told herself. Truth be told, she was just trying to make sense of everything. That was probably the worst thing she could do, because her own thoughts and conclusions could be much worse than what it actually was. Or she could be right and it was something bad. If Lexi had taken even a second longer, Dani probably would have left to her room. The laying there and wondering was really freaking her out. Still, despite the fact that she was confused by all of this, she did her best to act okay as she waited for her girlfriend to join her. As her girlfriend held her hand out to her, she moved without even thinking twice. "Am I too far away?" She asked, raising her eyebrow. The question didn't stop her from moving closer, since she wanted to be next to her, but she couldn't even be sure if the feeling was mutual. Not when she could practically feel her girlfriend pulling away from her.
Lexi was half waiting for the other girl to ask her why she’d changed in there, so she thanked whoever was looking down on her for the fact that she wasn’t questioned. She really wouldn’t have had an excuse. She would’ve thought of something, sure, but the thought of flat out lying to her girlfriend even more so than she already was made her stomach turn. She already felt nauseous, so she didn’t need to unintentionally make it worse for herself. Lexi expected laying down to help the way she was feeling, though it didn’t. If anything, it just made her feel even more sick, though she tried to ignore it, telling herself it was just in her head, and that she needed to focus on Dani. That was easy to do when her girlfriend moved closer to her, and Alexa’s smile was a genuine one once she had her in her arms. “That’s better,” she mumbled, closing her eyes for a second as she pulled Dani closer, her other arm wrapping around her. The motion of her eyes closing had her head spinning a little bit, which was weird, but at least she had Dani to distract her once she’d opened them again. “Hey,” she said softly, bringing one arm from around the other girl and using it to brush her fingers through a strand of blonde hair, which she tucked behind her ear, “I’m sorry I’ve been so distracted lately. School is just stressing me out a little bit.” That wasn’t a lie; finals always sucked. It wasn’t the whole reason, though. She brushed her fingers gently through Dani’s hair again, keeping her eyes on her face. “I promise that everything’s okay, though. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. I really do love you, and I’ll happily keep telling you until you’re completely sick of me.”
Dani wanted to believe everything that Lexi was saying. Being cuddled up like this was comforting at least, but that didn't mean that she believe everything was okay. She knew what she was feeling and it most definitely wasn't okay. Even if she didn't know exactly what that was, she knew that okay wasn't it. She wanted to know why that was. Why things felt so differently all of a sudden. Things between them were good, as far as she had been aware. They were happy and in love. Things had never been perfect, of course, because no relationship was. It just never felt like this, though. It was feelings like this that made Dani want to escape. To go away and forget about her problems for a bit. She knew that thinking that way had been dangerous. There was a time where escaping her problems could have cost her life. It had been a long time since she felt this way. Like she could go out for a bit and it wouldn't be a big deal, but that was a lie. It would be a big deal. Going out didn't just mean going out for her. It could, if she was in the right state of mind, but not when she was escaping her problems. There was only one reason to go out then. "Um, yeah..." She trailed off, trying to force herself to focus on the girl next to her. She had been in her head and that wasn't good. Not with what she had been thinking lately. "It's fine. I know the end of the year is stressful. It's really no big deal." She shrugged. Now it felt like they were both lying to each other, and they had to know it, but only one of them knew why. And one wasn't Dani. "I love you, too. So much it kinda scares me." She chuckled, although it wasn't exactly a joke. It wasn't a lie. It was because she loved her so much that she was worried about what was going on. Whatever it was, it didn't feel like normal stress. It felt like something bigger. Dani wasn't sure if she could handle that.
Lexi had no room to feel upset that Dani was lying to her, which she very obviously was when she said that it was no big deal, since she could tell that was anything but the truth. But, regardless, it made her feel like crap, but there was nothing she could do about it. She could only hope that laying here with her like this and trying to reassure her that everything was okay would help some, though she figured it probably didn’t. She wasn’t really getting much of a reaction from her, other than what seemed like forced words, but again, Lexi was in no position to say anything, so she stayed quiet, just continuing to play with her girlfriend’s hair. “I’m sorry that it scares you,” she said in a soft voice, her lips curving into a small, genuine smile again, “I’m not sorry that you love me so much, though.” Lexi could be very handsy, especially when it came to Dani, so she needed to try to remind herself not to let her fingers trail away from where they were, but she was okay with letting them slip to her chin so she could gently take ahold of it to move her face closer. She leaned in to close the small gap between them, pressing her lips to the other girl’s. It was a bad idea, because now that her lips were against her girlfriend’s, she didn’t want to pull away. She decided not to fight the urge she had to keep going, and instead cupped Dani’s cheek, parting her lips a little to deepen their kiss. She just had to hope her girlfriend didn’t think of it as anything more than kissing, that was all. Lexi couldn’t give her any more than that right now, and she was afraid that she’d struggle to stop herself if Dani tried.
Dani smiled softly at her girlfriend. Even if things felt off right now, she never once doubted that her girlfriend loved her. It didn't fix whatever it was that was going on, but at least she felt some comfort in it. She had been questioning a lot lately, but that really wasn't one of them. No matter what happened, she just hoped that it stayed that way. They were obviously going through some sort of rough patch right now, but whatever it was, she figured that they could eventually move past it. It would probably take some time, considering that she still didn't even know what it was. Despite not being a religious person, she found herself asking whoever was up there to help them fix this fast. Dani didn't like that she had already been thinking about getting high. On her best days, she managed to brush it off. On her worst days, she found herself wondering what's the worst that could happen? That was dangerous thinking. And she absolutely did not blame her girlfriend for that, but this weird situation they were in wasn't helping her at all. Not that she would ever tell Lexi that. She hadn't gotten high since before she even met her girlfriend, so even if Lexi had been aware of Dani's addiction, it wasn't exactly something that she had to deal with. Dani never wanted for Lexi to see her high. She hadn't, yet, and if she could help it; she never would. Fortunately, when her girlfriend kissed her, it was easy for her to focus on other things. Like actually just laying here and kissing her. She kissed back instantly, reaching her hand out to wrap it around her girlfriend. It was odd, how this girl could confuse her and comfort her at the same time, but she would take it. As long as she got to be close to her. As strange as it seemed, that's what she felt like she needed right now.
Lexi really wished, more than anything, that she didn't feel this way. Well, no, she wished that whole thing had never happened that had made her feel this way, but that wasn't something she could control. She couldn't turn back time. She could, however, force herself to feel better, right? So why wasn't it working? It was just so unfair, because she could feel this pulling her relationship apart, and it had nothing to do with them. It was also conflicting, because Lexi felt so comforted being this close to Dani, and loved kissing her so much, but a part of it terrified her, too. The thought of it leading elsewhere scared her, and that made her feel worse than anything. Regardless, she couldn't pull away. She felt like she hadn't kissed Dani, at least not really kissed her, in way too long, and she was feeling too relieved to stop. Her girlfriend's arm wrapping around her made her feel both scared and safe, and Lexi wondered if she could help herself. Maybe if she didn't feel trapped, if she wasn't laid underneath her, she wouldn't get those flashbacks of that stupid night in her head, where she was stuck underneath him, pinned down and not strong enough to move him away from her. Her lips continued to press to her girlfriend's as Alexa slowly moved her body, pushing herself up until she was able to put one leg over her Dani's thighs, straddling her lap, and leaning down to keep their lips connected. This was okay. She could stop things happening from up here. She just needed more of her girlfriend, that was all. This was good. This was more.
Dani didn't know how things could go from bad to good in the matter of seconds, but as her girlfriend moved on top of her, all she could think about was how good that they were. She had no idea if that was healthy or not, but then again, she wasn't sure if she actually cared. All she wanted was to feel like things were okay between the two of them. This might not fix anything and she knew that. Dani wasn't an expert on relationships, so most of the time she was either confused or the one fucking up. It had taken awhile for her to even feel like she knew what she was doing. Still, even when she messes something up, she could tell right away. Or Lexi would at least tell her what that was, so she knew that it wasn't her who did something. Not this time. A part of her wanted to push her girlfriend off and demand answers. There was something she wasn't telling her and she needed to know now. She couldn't bring herself to do that, though. In fact, the only thing she wanted to be doing was touching her girlfriend. It felt like she hadn't done that in a long time. Just a couple of days without it felt wrong. They were in love, they lived together; how were they supposed to keep their hands off each other? That's exactly what she was thinking as she moved her hands to her girlfriend's hips, moving them slowly up her body as they continued to kiss. She was touching her as if this had been the first time, because for some reason, she felt like she had to take advantage of the moment. Like even more time would go by without them touching each other. And it wasn't just a sexual thing, although Dani had missed that. It was more than that. All she wanted was to touch her. In whatever way she could. She wanted to feel close to her again, because she sure hadn't been feeling like she was lately.
Lexi knew she needed to stop this inward battle she was having with herself. Dani had done nothing wrong, so the fact that she found the feeling of something as innocent as her hands resting on her hips to be both so scary and so inviting was really screwing with her head. She wanted to keep kissing her, and she didn’t plan to stop, but then her girlfriend’s hands started moving up her body, and that internal panic took over again. He’d done that. He’d had his hands all over her, and it didn’t matter what Alexa had done to try to make him stop, it hadn’t mattered. He’d continued to touch her, like he had any right to. It didn’t matter to him how much she’d cried or begged him to stop, he hadn’t. Then here was Dani; her girlfriend, who had every right to explore her body the way she was, and Lexi was on the verge of a panic attack. She’d kept on kissing her, but now she couldn’t. The movement of her lips against the other girl’s had slowed, and Lexi could feel her heart hammering in her chest, her palms growing sticky, her whole body reacting in the exact opposite way that it should to Dani’s touch. She felt sick all over again, but she tried to tell herself silently that it was all in her mind. She almost had herself convinced, until she had to quickly pull away, sitting up on top of the other girl for just a second or two, before her hand came up to cover her mouth, and Alexa had to hurriedly climb off of her girlfriend, and the bed, then make a run for the bathroom, where she proceeded to throw up the moment she’d reached the toilet.
Dani had practically stopped all her movements when she felt her girlfriend slowing down. The second she felt like she was the only one into this, she stopped her hands and pulled them away. How or even why things had changed within those few second, she didn't know. It was starting to feel normal between them again. Like everything was okay, at least for a few seconds. Then Lexi was pulling away from her, and before Dani could even think about questioning her, she was out of the bed and running towards the bathroom. Now that was unexpected. It didn't take much time for her to jump out of the bed herself, rushing behind her girlfriend to see if she was okay. She frowned as she watched her throw up. When Lexi had mentioned feeling dizzy earlier, Dani thought she was using that as an excuse not to shower with her. Now she felt kind of bad, because apparently she was sick. She reached her hand out and placed it on her girlfriend's back, rubbing it gently as she used the other hand to brush her hair behind her ear. Throwing up was nasty enough without getting vomit in your hair. "You're okay, baby." She whispered, trying to be somewhat helpful to her sick girlfriend. Whether she actually was or not, she had no idea. It wouldn't be the first time she took care of a sick Lexi, though, so she was confident that she was doing okay at least.
Lexi really had felt dizzy, and she really had felt sick, but she honestly thought it was all in her head, because she was lying to her girlfriend and that in itself made her uncomfortable. It made her feel queazy. She really hadn’t expected to literally have to run and throw up, though, so it surprised her a little that she now found herself hanging over the toilet puking. She heard Dani’s footsteps quickly following behind her, and despite wanting to send her away to save grossing her out, she really was grateful for the comfort. She couldn’t really talk to thank her, given what she was doing, but at least with Dani moving her hair out of the way for her, she had less to focus on, and had soon managed to stop. She stayed where she was, though, just in case, and kneeled down on the floor. Her whole body felt hot, and Lexi felt anything but attractive as she brought her hand up to her forehead to brush her hair back from it. “I’m so sorry,” she sighed, shaking her head. Her voice sounded croaky and strained, though that was only to be expected. Alexa slowly moved from kneeling to sitting, feeling kind of weak and dizzy all over again. She looked over at her girlfriend, giving her an embarrassed kind of smile. “Thank you. I’m pretty sure watching me throw up was not how you intended that make out session to end. I know I definitely didn’t.”
Dani felt guilty for being annoyed with her girlfriend before, because she hadn't believed her when she said that she was feeling dizzy. Even if she felt like something was off, it was obvious now that Lexi hadn't been lying about that. You can fake dizziness all you want, but you can't fake throwing up, especially when Dani was right there and saw the whole thing. She continued to rub her back, knowing that there wasn't much else she could do for her now. Dani didn't know if she ate something that didn't agree with her, or if maybe she had some sort of flu, but she did know that if she was throwing up like this; she had to get it all out of her system. It was an awful feeling and she knew it. There had been plenty of times where someone held Dani's hair back while she threw up. Those were usually results or drinking, though. That didn't change the fact that it felt awful. And gross, but she wasn't about to say that. By the look on her girlfriend's face, she was embarrassed enough as it was. "Hey, don't be sorry." She said softly, moving as her girlfriend did, sitting next to her to wrap an arm around her. "No, it's not, but that's okay. It's not your fault that you're sick. We can end our next make out session the right way." She teased, giving her girlfriend a smirk that she hoped would make her laugh. Dani had never been good at comforting someone, but she meant it when she said that it was okay. Lexi didn't have a reason to be embarrassed. Dani cared more about her health than anything else. "Are you feeling better now? I can get you something if you need me to. Just name it."
Lexi was hating this more and more every minute. She hated keeping things from her girlfriend. She hated being scared to be touched by her girlfriend. She hated throwing up in front of her girlfriend. Not one part of it had been fun, but at least Dani hadn't run away in horror. It wasn't like it was a rarity for one of them to be holding the other's hair back as they threw up, but that was usually after they'd been drinking a little too much. Unfortunately, Lexi couldn't blame this on drinking. It was weird, though. It didn't feel like a bug. It was almost like when she'd get a migraine after not wearing her glasses for a while, only a little more sudden. Either way, if anyone was going to be able to make her feel better in this situation, it was Dani. As usual, the other girl didn't disappoint, and despite how weak throwing up had made her feel, Lexi couldn't help but smile at the smirk on her face. "You're kind of perfect, did you know that?" She laughed softly, leaning into her arm. She closed her eyes, taking comfort in just being there with Dani. "I do feel a little better, yeah. I think it might just be a migraine coming on or something," she frowned, pulling back to brave standing up.. very slowly. She wasn't trying to make herself dizzy again. "Just you," she said in response to her girlfriend's offer, "and maybe a bottle of water? I'm gonna get cleaned up, then I'll meet you back in bed so I can lay there pathetically while you cuddle me. Then maybe I'll feel better in the morning." She reached for her girlfriend's hand, wanting to pull her in and kiss her, but she figured she should wait until she'd brushed her teeth for that. "Thank you," she said softly, settling for just gently squeezing her hand for now, "I meant what I said, you really are perfect, Dani." And one day, she'd be able to show her again, too.
NOTES ➝ Dani and Alexa yell at each other, then Dani drops the love bomb.
Alexa wasn’t about to sit around moping about how her girlfriend didn’t care about her anymore, mostly because she didn’t want to believe it. As much confidence as she had in general, though, Alexa had none in her ability to thrive in a relationship, so she’d been expecting this all along, really. A part of her wondered if it had to do with the way she’d acted on the plane journeys to and from London. Had she really been pathetic enough to have turned Dani away from her like that? Regardless of the reason, everything was a mess now, and Alexa’s feelings had been progressing deeper and deeper for the other girl, while she’d gone ahead and stopped caring. That wasn’t something she could be okay with. She was considering getting out of the house. She wasn’t entirely sure about where she was going to go, but it wouldn’t be the party, that was for damn sure. The last thing Alexa wanted to do was take off her clothes and act like she owned the room when she felt as shitty as she now did. She figured she could probably just show up at Emmett’s place or something and hang out there for the night, but the new text coming through from Dani stopped her. She read over it and sighed audibly in response, before heading out of her room and across the hall to her girlfriend’s. “Your sister is the one I’m friends with, who’s also friends with a bunch of other people at this stupid party,” she said, bursting into the room with no prior warning. She wasn’t having this conversation over text message anymore, it was stupid. Alexa glanced at her phone screen for a reminder of whatever else Dani had just said. “Oh, and who the fuck knows why you’re with me? Because you literally just told me you couldn’t care less, so honestly, I don’t know anymore, Dani. I thought I did, but I guess I don’t.” She wanted to sound more pissed, but she didn’t. She knew she sounded hurt, and she hated that.
Dani didn't know how her being pissed at her girlfriend turned to her 'not caring' about her. That's not what she said, at least she's pretty sure that it wasn't, but Alexa seemed to be so sure that's what she meant. It's not. Of course she cared about Alexa. She doesn't exactly like her job, either, but she gets that she can't tell her what to do. When she said she couldn't care less, she didn't mean about her. She cared about her a lot, and that said something for Dani, because she didn't care about people easily. Maybe it wasn't exactly fair of her to get pissed off the way that she had, but she couldn't help it. Not when it came to her sister. Cassie had been through some shit that Dani couldn't seem to let go. Alexa didn't know that, so she probably didn't really get why Dani freaked the way she did. She said that she did, but Dani felt like she didn't. How could she? That wasn't really what her girlfriend seemed to be upset about, though. It was the fact that Dani said she didn't care. It wasn't true. She did care. In fact, she cared a lot, but she wasn't trying to stop Alexa. She was trying to stop Cassie. Was that fucked up? She didn't know. It didn't seem like it was, since she obviously wasn't going to treat her sister and girlfriend the same. It was two different situations. That's what she figured. Only, maybe it wasn't? It's not like she liked the idea of Alexa stripping, because she didn't. Was she even allowed to be bothered by it, though? She knew it was her job and she accepted that. This was all way too confusing for Dani's liking. It's no wonder she didn't do relationships before, they made no sense to her. As she was trying to make sense of it, her girlfriend came walking into her room, causing Dani to sit up on her bed; where she had been laying down. "Drop the Cassie thing. You don't understand my reasons for flipping out, and you're not going to, so it's not even worth arguing about anymore." She said, watching as her girlfriend checked her phone. Obviously she had been reading their texts and decided to come have this talk in person. Awesome. "Why do I have to keep saying that's not what I meant?" She groaned, throwing her head back against her headboard. "I care about you, okay? I would not be with you if I didn't. I don't know why you're taking what I said as anything other than what it was, which was me not stopping you from doing whatever you want."
Alexa knew how close Dani and her sister were. She knew their parents sucked, and that they’d been through a ton of shit together. She also knew that if Dani wanted her to know what exactly had happened, she’d tell her. Until then, she wasn’t trying to pull information from her that didn’t concern her. The fact that Dani kept on saying how she didn’t understand made her almost think she wanted her to know, though. Looking up at the ceiling, since she knew she needed a second to chill before she ended up yelling, she shook her head. “I’m not asking your reasons, Dani. This isn’t about Cassie. I get that she’s the only person in the world that you actually give a fuck about, and you know, maybe that’s the problem. It would just be really nice if my girlfriend realized that she has other people to care about, too. You shouldn’t be with someone if you’re going to be so damn careless about them.” Apparently, the couple seconds she’d given herself to calm down had been for nothing, because just as she always did when she got upset, Alexa was yelling. She managed a small, sarcastic laugh when Dani continued, though, once more shaking her head, her hands now planted on her hips. “See, it’s funny that you say that now, but you literally told me, what was it…” She pretended to think for a moment, mimicking her girlfriend’s voice, “This isn’t even about you. Do whatever you want, I couldn’t care less.” Alexa’s face fell as she heard it out loud, even if she was the one saying it. She’d been directly quoting Dani, and it actually hurt a lot more than she’d realized at first. Whether her girlfriend had meant it the way Alexa was taking it or not, she didn’t know, but she couldn’t help how it made her feel. “You said you couldn’t care less about me,” she said, her voice a little quieter, less angry sounding this time. She just sounded sad, instead. “How am I supposed to feel about that, Dani? I thought we were on the same page here. If that’s how you feel, then I don’t know that we are.” Alexa’s feelings had just been getting more and more intense for the other girl by the day, but evidently, Dani’s had been going exactly the opposite direction.
Dani could be really stupid sometimes and she knew it. When she was angry or annoyed, she said shit that made sense at the time, but then when she heard them back; it would leave her wondering what the hell she was even thinking. This was one of those cases. As much as she struggled with it, she knew that there wasn't much she could do to protect her sister. Lately it felt like she couldn't do that at all and that was total bullshit, because it drove her absolutely crazy. To the point where she got annoyed with Alexa for even suggesting with stripping for this stupid party. Truthfully, Dani would have been all for it if it wasn't for that. She didn't like Alexa stripping, either, even if she said that she didn't care. What was she supposed to do, though? Her girlfriend chose to keep doing what she does and Dani had to be okay with it. "I'm a careless person. I say stupid shit that I don't mean when I'm angry. It's not like this is the first time." That made her look bad and she was aware of that, but it was also the truth. It in no way excused her behavior. She never tried to excuse it, just tell it like it was. She was an idiot. It's not a shocker. What did shock her is that Alexa kept saying she didn't care about her. That isn't what she said and she hated that she kept saying that. What she had said had been a lie, and she should probably explain that at some point, but how was she going to say after one fight that Dani didn't care about her? They never would have started the whole relationship thing if she didn't. "I obviously meant that I didn't care what you do. That's exactly what I said!" She shouted back, knowing that sure as hell wasn't going to help. Like she said, she's careless when she's mad. "I don't understand why you're questioning me right now. I said something dumb, and I'm sorry, but the words 'I don't care about you' never came out of my mouth."
Alexa and Dani were this conflicting mixture of the perfect couple and the worst couple in the world, because they could be so similar sometimes that it would either completely work for or against them. When it came down to fighting, it worked entirely against them, because they were both so stubborn and so quick to go to the yelling place. However, if there was a more level headed one of the two, it was probably Alexa, which was crazy to her, considering she’d never met anyone who could beat her out in that department until Dani had come along. “Yeah, I’m aware of that,” she said through gritted teeth, not wanting to get any angrier, because it just wasn’t worth it. This whole thing had hurt her, and Dani had no right to try to change how she felt. She couldn’t change her own feelings, so someone else sure as shit couldn’t do it for her. For the first time, she was actually annoyed about how much she cared for her girlfriend, because if she thought a little less of her, maybe they wouldn’t be in this position. Maybe she could be as careless as Dani was, but unfortunately, she’d gotten in too deep here. All of that, plus repeating her girlfriend’s text aloud equated to her feeling more sad than anything else. Still, despite the look of hurt that was written all over her face, with Dani yelling, she couldn’t help but yell, too. Their poor neighbors, honestly. “If you don’t care what I do, then obviously you don’t care. I mean, I care about what you do. There are plenty of things that I’d care about you doing. I don’t own you and you don’t own me, but you’re mine and I’m yours. It’s fucking weird that my work apparently doesn’t bother you. I mean, trust me, you have nothing to worry about, and I would’ve never taken the job if we’d been together already. It’s not like I want you to be upset about it, but the fact that you literally don’t care at all about what I do is so fucked up, Dani. Why don’t you care? Do I mean that little to you, even after four months together? Why am I so low on your list?”
Dani wasn't exactly proud of the fact that she could be so careless. It was never intentional, and she knew that was something she had to work on, but she couldn't help it sometimes. Her mouth worked faster than her brain. If she had to count the number of times that she actually said something she regretted, she wouldn't be able to do it. She would have better luck counting all the times she said the right thing. It was probably a miracle that she and Alexa lasted this long. Since they became official, Dani had been waiting for the day that she screwed it all up. It was only a matter of time and she knew that. That didn't mean she was prepared for her to screw up, because she never actually saw it coming. It just happened. Maybe this would be the thing that pushed Alexa away from her for good. If that was the case, she couldn't even blame the other girl. She still couldn't understand why she wanted Dani in the first place. Dani was an idiot, who lashed out at the worst times. He go to emotion had always been anger. She could be hurt, irritated, or disappointed and that's how she expressed it. By getting mad. Was that smart? No, absolutely not. It was possibly the worst thing that she could do. So, why did she do it? Even she couldn't answer that. It's just the way she was. She was sure there was a way to blame her parents for all of that, but eventually she would have to stop doing that and learn that it was on her. It was her words that hurt Alexa. That hadn't been her intention, but that's what they did. She thought she had learned to watch what she said, especially after she already made her feel like her feelings were invalid. Apparently, she hadn't been doing a very good job. "You don't know how I feel about what you do." She said, glaring at the other girl. It wasn't fair, since that was obviously Dani's fault. She had never told Alexa it was a problem, because she felt like she had no right. She couldn't tell her not to do it. "I've never been okay with it! I acted like I was okay with it, because when I do something, I'm not allowed to give you crap for what you do, remember?" She said, sighing loudly as she ran her fingers through her hair. "I mean, damn, who would be cool with that? Having the person they're with taking their clothes off in front of other people. No one I know. I'm obviously no exception." She wasn't trying to keep the yelling going, so she took a second to take a breath. She wasn't interested in screaming at each other, but she also couldn't help that she had gotten mad. "I do care. I didn't mean it when I said that I didn't."
Alexa couldn’t quite figure out how they’d gotten here. Just this morning, they’d been sitting together on a plane with Alexa freaking out and Dani comforting her, then they’d been fucking in their little first class compartment. It was a far cry from the way things were right now, though that was one of the good and bad points about the two of them. Things could flip at any given moment, whether in a positive or negative way. It just happened, unfortunately, that right now was in a negative way. Either way, though, Alexa really was done with this. She didn’t know how they’d gotten here, nor did she want to stay here. Maybe it had been some pent up anxiety from the plane ride this morning that she was taking out on Dani? That was another thing about this relationship; Alexa was the first person to blame other people when something had gone wrong, even if it was her fault. With Dani, though, she’d happily take the blame over the other girl, even if she knew she hadn’t done anything wrong. That was what she was trying to do in her mind right now, trying to justify Dani’s words and actions, but she was coming up short. “I wouldn’t know, because you never tell me,” she sad, her tone annoyed, but the volume not quite up there with the yelling she’d just been doing. Her glare mirrored Dani’s. She meant what she’d said: She didn’t want Dani to be upset about her job, but the fact that she’d never seemed to care at all had always been a little concerning. It was definitely news to her that she, in fact, did have a problem with it. So much so that Alexa’s brows raised in surprise. “Then why didn’t you tell me? You’re so good at putting your feelings into words when you’re going to sing them, but when it comes to actually telling me things, it’s like you don’t even try. I mean, even just now, you made it all about Cassie. I’m here, too. I want you to care about me, too. It hurts me that it feels like you don’t,” her voice was raised again, but her tone less angry. It sounded hurt again. She felt hurt again. Though, she wasn’t quite yelling. “You don’t have to be so tough and mysterious all the time, Dani. I get wanting to keep up that front, but this is me. Not everybody else. I’m your girlfriend. If you care, then you’re supposed to tell me.”
Dani didn't understand how things had gotten so bad. She had been annoyed at the fact that Alexa had volunteered Cassie to strip, but it turned into something so much bigger than that. Of course, she knew that she had said the wrong thing. It happened all the time. She didn't realize how much she had fucked up until it was too late. Now here she was, her girlfriend glaring at her and her glaring right back. The two of them were incredibly stubborn, so she knew that they could keep this up for hours. If she was angry enough, she would have. It must have been a good thing she wasn't. Annoyed? Yes. Confused? Absolutely. What she said and what she meant were two different things. She didn't mean that she didn't care about Alexa. She didn't even mean that she didn't care what she did. It just came out that way, because she was mad about her sister. That seemed far less important now, since this was no longer about Cassie. It was about Alexa feeling like Dani didn't care about her. It made zero sense, when they've been together for months and she wouldn't have even considered crossing that line if she didn't really care about her. "What was I supposed to say to you, huh? That I hate your fucking job? For more than just the obvious reasons, by the way." She said, rolling her eyes. Dani knew that she was being completely unfair right now. Alexa didn't know what happened with Cassie and her boss. She was sure that Cassie hadn't told her and Dani knew she hadn't. Still, her reasons were valid ones. What if this guy tried something with Alexa now, too? The thought had crossed her mind, of course, but she didn't know how to say it. Four months together apparently wasn't enough for her to be open and honest when she should have been. She was still learning how to do that. That was probably unfair to Alexa, too. If anyone should be questioning why anyone is with who, it should be Dani questioning why Alexa was with her. "I do try. Whether you see it or not, I try really fucking hard." It wasn't a lie. She really had been trying. There were some things she said, some that she kept to herself. It was hard to figure out which should and shouldn't be brought up. This was one of those things that she felt didn't need to be brought up. She was clearly wrong about that. "Then I fucking care, okay? I care about you and the shit that you do. Is that what you want to hear?"
Alexa knew it was probably all kinds of messed up that those were the words she’d wanted to hear, but she couldn’t help it; they were. She didn’t particularly understand what Dani had meant about how she hated it for more than just the obvious reasons, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that it had always felt weird to her that her girlfriend hadn’t seemed to care about her line of work. Dani’s straight best friend had hypothetically hit on her one time and Alexa had lost it, to the point where they’d ended up breaking up. Sure, it was only for a day, but it had happened. It made no sense to her that she could be so hurt over that, while Dani didn’t give a shit about her taking off her clothes in front of a club full of people and grinding on their laps while they stuffed bills in her underwear. “Yeah, actually, that’s exactly what you were supposed to say. You know that keeping important shit like that to yourself is what’s going to fuck us up, right? I mean, telling me you don’t like what I do wouldn’t stop me from doing it, because you knew what you were getting into here, Dani. And because I know you have absolutely nothing to worry about. But we could’ve talked it out. I could’ve helped to ease your mind or something, I don’t know. You have to talk to me.” Alexa had never been one to stay quiet about.. well, anything. So it was strange to her that her girlfriend could. She wasn’t even sure how to feel right now. She was glad that Dani was being honest with her, but it sucked that she’d had to basically drag it out of her. She was both annoyed and upset, so just tried to keep a neutral expression on her face, though she was more than likely failing hard. Her arms were crossed and she just glared at the other girl. Her brows knitted along with her girlfriend’s words, though. “Of course that’s what I want to fucking hear! It shouldn’t even be a question. I’m your girlfriend, you’re supposed to care about me, and it’s supposed to be obvious!”
Dani must have been really good at hiding her feelings. Even if she never said it before, she still couldn't believe that Alexa had no idea. Who would be okay with their girlfriend having that kind of job? Dani was naturally possessive over the people she cared about; Alexa was definitely no exception to that. The reason she never brought it up, was because she knew that Alexa would say exactly what she just said. You knew what you were getting into. She thought she knew what she was getting into, she really did. It turned out, she actually had no fucking clue what she had been getting herself into. It didn't feel like it mattered that much now, since she was already in too deep with Alexa. Despite Alexa saying that she didn't, Dani did in fact care about her. Why would she be her girlfriend if she didn't? Maybe what she said had been stupid, but it no way meant that she didn't care. She would like to think that after four months and two songs, it would be pretty fucking clear that she did care. It annoyed her that Alexa said that she didn't. Actually, it had straight up pissed her off, but she wasn't trying to cause more shit between them. Whether she liked it or not, she knew that Alexa couldn't exactly help it that she felt that way. She knew that. Still, it kinda sucked that after saying one dumb thing, suddenly she didn't care about her. "I'm pretty sure there is absolutely nothing you could say to ease my mind." She mumbled, knowing that her girlfriend didn't know exactly why she hated it. It wasn't just about her taking off her clothes, which was just one thing that she hated. It had also been about her safety, especially with everything that happened to her sister. She worried about the people she cared about, whether she wanted to or not. There was nothing she could do about it. "I don't even get why it's a question! I said something stupid, okay, but that means I don't care anymore?" She said, her voice raised once again. Not that she noticed at this point, she was too annoyed to care. "Am I not obvious? I spend all my time wanting to be with you. I wrote two songs telling you how I feel about you. I don't even feel inspired unless I'm writing about you! Can it be any more obvious that I fucking love you?"
Alexa wasn’t even sure where to go from here. This fight seemed so pointless now. Maybe she should’ve just kept her mouth shut and let Dani care openly for her sister and not so much about her. Maybe she shouldn’t have been so sensitive about this stuff. It was weird to her that she suddenly was, anyway. In past relationships, even when she’d really cared about the other person, she’d never cared enough to have something like this hurt her. Things were different with Dani, though. Everything was different with her. Alexa felt something deeper for her than she’d ever felt for anybody else. It was all kinds of terrifying, but she tried her hardest not to question it. It was difficult in instances like this, though. “You think I haven’t dealt with people who didn’t like my job before?” she asked, raising a brow. “I’ve been doing this since I was sixteen. Trust me, I’ve had to ease plenty of people’s minds about it before, whether that was family, friends or,” she motioned to Dani, “You know, boyfriends or girlfriends.” Alexa didn’t particularly like talking about her exes, mostly because the most prominent one was her drug addict ex boyfriend who had tried to come between she and Dani before they were even fully together, but he hadn’t been thrilled about her work either, so he was an example. She was so ready for this whole fight to just be done with by now, and for she and Dani to just be able to move on like it hadn’t happened. So much so that despite being angry and yelling just a second ago, when Dani yelled back, even if Alexa didn’t agree, she chose not to retaliate. She didn’t have the energy anymore. She just looked at the other girl, trying to hide her anger and listening to what she was saying. Her girlfriend sounded just as pissed as she felt, so when the bomb dropped, Alexa almost wondered if she’d heard her properly. Her eyes widened for just a second, her heart racing. Those ‘deeper feelings’ she felt for Dani weren’t so confusing anymore. Mostly because she’d known all along what they were, she’d just been too scared to admit them. If Dani, could, though, so could Alexa. “You can’t do that,” she shook her head. Taking a step closer to the other girl, Alexa reached out to grab her hand, tugging her closer. “Tell me again,” she said, her tone still a little annoyed, but that didn’t make her feelings any less valid. “Because I need to know that you actually mean that before I embarrass myself by telling you I love you too, because I really fucking do.”
Dani didn't even care that Alexa had to ease other people's minds when it came to her job. She wasn't other people. No one knew her mind better than she did and she knew that she wasn't going to be okay with it. That's exactly what she planned on telling her, but the mention of her exes make her want to drop that completely. Maybe it was ridiculous of her to feel that way, because it's not like they meant anything now, but there was only one of her exes that actually came to mind. That was someone she definitely didn't like thinking about. Just the thought that they had anything in common made her feel sick. The fact that they were both addicts was enough to drive her crazy, so she didn't need to think that they were any more similar. Besides, that part of the conversation seemed far less important when she realized what she had said. She froze where she was sitting on her bed, her eyes wide and her chest rapidly moving up and down. Had she really just said that? She felt it, that was for sure now, but this couldn't have been the way she said it. During a fight? That was so typical Dani. It wasn't just the first time she said it to Alexa, it was the first time she's ever said to anyone. She never dated anyone in high school, since she was too busy getting high and fucking guys. It wasn't until she started at PSU that she started dating girls, but none were anything serious. Not the way that Alexa was. She knew that she was different ever since she wrote Give Your Heart A Break, but it wasn't until right now that she realized how much she felt for her. She hated the fact that this was how she said it, but she did, so there was no taking it back. "Baby..." She trailed off, finally snapping out of it when Alexa grabbed her hand and pulled her close. She wanted to say that she was sorry. That she didn't mean to say it this way and that she wished she could take it back. Only, that wasn't completely true. She didn't mean to say it, but she also didn't want to take it back. For what felt like the first time ever, she actually said the right thing. "I love you." She said it again, this time being aware of what she was saying. Her voice left no room for doubt, because there was no reason for her to be unsure. This is what she felt. If Alexa wanted to hear it, she would keep saying it. Whatever it took for her to see that Dani was serious, she would do it. She never wanted Alexa to question how she felt about her again.
Alexa didn’t really know what it felt like to love someone. She knew what it felt like to love someone in a platonic way, or in the kind of way she loved her family, but she’d never experienced that with someone she was in a relationship with. Colton had told her plenty how in love with her he was, both back when they’d been together and when he’d been trying to get back into her life around the time she and Dani were becoming more than just roommates. She’d never said it back, though, because she hadn’t felt it. She was never totally sure what exactly it was supposed to feel like, but she knew that with Colton, it wasn’t it. The way she felt about Dani, though? That was totally different. Maybe her girlfriend and her ex had some similarities, but Alexa’s feelings towards them were two entirely different things. She’d been falling deeper for her the whole time they’d been together, and as much as she’d tried to ignore it and deny it to herself, there was no doubting that she loved her. To hear that Dani felt the same way was both terrifying and amazing, but Alexa cared more about the latter. It was very much like them to be fighting one minute, then suddenly like this the next. Alexa definitely wasn’t complaining; it was better than it all happening the opposite way around and them confessing that they loved each other earlier, and now fighting about it. Fighting was the exact opposite of what she wanted to be doing with her girlfriend right now. Alexa could feel how fast her heart was beating as she stood at the side of Dani’s bed, keeping hold of her hand as she tugged her to the edge. She wasn’t going to make her get up, especially because she definitely wanted to be in that bed with her now. Alexa was still trying to work on the whole eye contact thing, but it was impossible to look away from Dani’s gaze right now. Hearing her confirm it again was even better than the first time. “I love you, too,” she whispered, lifting her girlfriend’s hand to wrap her arm around her neck, with her own hand dropping so she could rest it on the small of Dani’s back. She leaned in, pressing her lips to the other girl’s and gently pushing her back onto the bed, making sure their lips never parted as she climbed on there with her, hovering over the top of her.
Dani had never really been in love before. The very thought of it never even seemed possible for her. Even on her darkest of days, she was never one of those girls who would dream about falling in love. She would dream about other things, like staying clean and playing her music. Relationships had never really been that important to her. When Alexa started meaning more to her, she knew that everything about her was different. There was something about this girl that made Dani want the things she's never wanted before. Was four months of dating long enough to fall in love? She didn't know. But then again, who even said that's when she started falling for her? That's just as long as they've been together. Thinking back, even before they were official, she couldn't think of Alexa as just her roommate, friend, fuck buddy; whatever the hell they were. They were the technical terms to describe their relationship at the time, but there was something about them that never felt right to Dani. Now she knew why. Alexa was so much more than any of that. The fact that this is how she was telling her was kinda fucked up, but then again, she couldn't even stay mad about it. Not when her girlfriend was saying that she loved her, too. All she could feel was happy. As if they weren't just screaming at each other only moments ago. As cheesy as it sounded, everything that happened next felt like it was moving slowly. All she could do was look at Alexa as she moved closer, her eyes only closing when she felt her lips against hers. Even kissing her made her feel something she hadn't felt before. The way she felt as they moved back into her bed, the girl that she loved hovering over her. She had never hidden the fact that she liked having her on top of her, but she had always meant it in a sexual way. As she continued to kiss her, she knew that it was much deeper than that. It was as if the rest of the world didn't matter. Like they were the only two people on the planet right now. She didn't feel so bad about Alexa missing that party now. This had to be so much better than that.
NOTES ➝ Cassie spills about what’s been happening with her boss.
Cassie wasn’t trying to worry anybody here, and especially not Dani. It was bad enough that Cassius and Sage had been in danger by coming to her rescue like they had done, and although she was grateful to Cassius for what he’d done in getting her out of Frank’s place, she was still kind of mad at him for involving her sister, and of course now she wanted to know all of the details. Cassie was smart enough to know Dani wasn’t going to let this go until she’d gotten what she wanted, so there was no point in fighting it. She wasn’t going to explain everything to her via text message, though. If she couldn’t see her, how could she know her sister wasn’t going to flip into crazy bitch mode and go hunting Frank down? At least if she told her in person, she could stop her, and show her she was fine now. With that in mind, Cassie made the short drive from she and Sage’s place to Dani and Gaby’s, as usual just walking in once she’d gotten there. She’d made sure to wear an oversized sweater to hide the fact that her body was so noticeably skinnier, and just hoped her sister wouldn’t notice her face. Again as usual, Gaby’s annoying dogs were all over her, but she only cared about the puppy, so scooped him up as soon as he’d started jumping around by her feet, ignoring the other two. “You home, Drama Queen?” she called into the house, carrying the puppy through to the living room and making herself comfortable on the couch. “You’re so cute,” she said in that dorky voice people used when talking to babies or animals, holding King up in front of her and laughing as he tried to lick her face, “You should come live with me, I’m way more fun than these two losers.”
Dani it was absolutely not secret that Dani always worried about Cassie. That's the way she had always been; no matter what her sister said, she was always going to worry. She couldn't help that if she wanted to. Hearing from Cassius was strange to say the least. Dani never really liked him, even when he was close with Cassie. Now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember how they ended up having each other's numbers. Must have been a lapse of judgement on her part. She didn't really care about that, though. It turned out to be a good thing, considering her own sister didn't even tell her something was wrong. That made it even worse. Here was Cassius, someone Dani couldn't stand, telling her things that Cassie hadn't. The fact that he wouldn't tell her anything made her want to scream. Had he been in front of her, she would have lost it. She is not afraid to get into a physical fight with a man; especially when said man was keeping something about Cassie from her. Dani could get a little crazy when it came to the people she loved. She was definitely an act first, think later kind of person. She was feeling that same way texting her sister. Of course she was happy to hear from her, but that wasn't nearly good enough. Telling her she was fine and being dramatic. Again, things would have been different if she was in front of her. That's what she was thinking about as she sat at the edge of her bed, running her fingers through her hair. Her sister would be the death of her; she knows it. When she heard her voice from downstairs, she rolled her eyes and practically ran into the living room. She wasn't surprised when she saw her sister sitting on the couch with King. It made no sense to her that she didn't like the other dogs and liked him. "Surprised to see you here." She said, unsure of what to even say to her. She wanted to scream and yell, demand answers. Just thinking about it made her feel like a hypocrite. It's not like she hadn't done something like this before. Disappeared without a word, leaving her family to wonder where she was. It had been a long time since then, but she had done it. "Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?"
Cassie was more focused on playing with the puppy than she was on her sister, and didn’t even look up at her as she walked into the room. She could see her from the corner of her eye, and could already sense the kind of mood she was in. Cassie just rolled her eyes, setting the dog down in her lap. He begun attempting to dig into her sweater, but it was an old one anyway, so she didn’t particularly care. She just left him to it. “Yeah, well, what can I say, I’m full of surprises,” she shrugged, finally looking up at her sister. The instant frown that appeared on her face in response to Dani’s tone was probably one that surprised exactly no one. “Obviously I’m going to tell you. I don’t come over here just to spend time with you for the sake of it,” she said with a disgusted expression on her face. “You have to come sit down first, though, and promise to just hear me out rather than pulling a Dani and flipping out. I really don’t need that shit right now.” Cassie wasn’t trying to build this up to be something bigger than it was, but she just wanted to make sure Dani was prepared, and to make sure she was close enough to her to stop her from up and running to go kill Frank.
Dani crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Cassie. "I would say so." She said, agreeing that she most definitely was full of surprises. None of them particularly good ones. The last thing she ever expected was to hear from Cassius about Cassie. She didn't even know that the two of them had been talking to each other, honestly. Not that she was even surprised; she just hadn't know. It felt like she didn't know a lot about her sister these days. That was something she didn't like at all. It made her worry even more, which she couldn't stand. She was used to worrying, but it had gotten even worse recently. The worst part was she didn't even know what she was worrying about. She just knew that something was wrong. "How am I supposed to know why you do what you do? Apparently, I don't know as much as I thought I did." She said, making no attempt to move from where she was standing. Of course she was going to hear her out, but she was still her and she was pissed. She didn't know if she should get mad or worried when Cassie said she didn't need that shit. It didn't seem like anyone cared about what Dani needed when they were going to get her sister without her. From where, she still didn't know. That's why she simply nodded her head, sighing as she sat next to her sister. "Fine. Whatever. Just tell me."
Cassie rolled her eyes yet again, something she did on a very regular basis anyway, but generally even more so around Dani. They both knew exactly how to piss each other off by doing seemingly nothing. “You know, you’re over here acting like I did something wrong, and you’re actually about to feel like such a dick when I tell you what happened, because it wasn’t my fault at all. But you go ahead and assume the worst,” she said with raised brows, shaking her head as she began petting the puppy again. He was more interesting than Dani, anyway. “Like I said, you should come live with me. I don’t whine all the damn time like she does,” she said to him, though she focused on her sister once she’d finally sat down beside her. “Alright,” she said, taking a breath and trying to figure out where to start. “I’m not going to give you an actual name, because I know how you are, so we’ll just call him Fr—” she paused, frowning at herself for basically giving it away already. “Fred. Okay, so, Fred and I have been hooking up. I went to his place last week and I was going to spend the night, but he’d been taking something. I mean, I didn’t see him doing it, but there was powder on his nose, so,” she sighed, shaking her head, “Anyway. He had a lot of energy from whatever he’d been taking, and I was exhausted from school and work, so I asked if we could take a break after a couple rounds of… Well, you know. He flipped the fuck out, called me f—” Again, she paused. Just the thought of the word made her feel sick, and Cassie swallowed a lump in her throat before continuing, her voice a little quieter. “Fat. He called me fat.” She needed a break. She wasn’t trying to get choked up over that; it would only make her current body issues more obvious. She glanced at her sister, “There’s plenty more, but just nod so I know you’re following so far.”
Dani wasn't going to feel guilty about being mad. She just wasn't. Maybe she'll feel bad for taking it out on Cassie, when she wasn't the only one pissing her off, but Cassius wasn't exactly around for her to smack. Besides, she wasn't mad at Cassie for whatever happened. She was pissed, because clearly there was something going on and she didn't know. Cassius, who fucking bailed on her sister, knew more than she did at this point. Perhaps it was selfish for her to feel that way, considering Cassie was definitely going through something, but she couldn't help the way she felt. If there was anyone she needed to know everything about, it was Cassie. Even if she had to force her way in, which she had, Dani was going to find out what was happening. She even considered finding Cassius for some answers. Fortunately, it didn't come to that. Cassie was the one she needed to hear this from. She would give her sister her full attention and worry about everything else later. First, she needed to know what was going on. She was so focused that she didn't say anything when she spoke to the dog; although he first thought was like hell is she taking him. That was kinda weird, since Dani was annoyed with the dog more often than not, but that wasn't really important right now. Listening to Cassie was. As she did just that, she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. Fr- Fred. She was tempted to tell her sister she knew it was Frank. Not because of her unbreakable code, but because Cassius mentioned him when they spoke. Apparently, Cassie didn't know exactly what he had said to Dani. That was actually good to know. The more she listened, the more she realized it was much worse than she thought. She still didn't feel guilty for being mad, but now her anger was directed at someone else. Especially when her sister mentioned he was calling her fat. Dani wasn't exactly an expert on eating disorders, but she knew what that did to her sister. The not eating, her looking sick all the time. It was another reason she worried so much about her. It was a miracle she didn't spend 24/7 worrying. Well, she practically did, but still. She wanted to bring that up, tell Cassie that he was wrong, but she didn't know if it would help. She just nodded her head, letting her know that she was listening and she can continue.
Cassie felt so ashamed over the fact that, of everything that'd happened with Frank, the thing she felt most torn up about was him calling her fat. If he'd managed to break his way into the bathroom that first night, he could've and probably would've gotten physical. What made it even more pathetic was that if he had gotten in there and he had physically hurt her, it wouldn't have changed anything. What he had said to her would've still been the worst thing. Cassie tried to skip over it, though, giving herself a moment to just breathe, before continuing. "I got upset, ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there, then he started hammering on the door. He was yelling. I mean, he was really pissed. I don't think he would've done anything if he'd gotten into the bathroom, I think he would've just kept yelling," she lied, glancing at her sister again. "I just really didn't want to be there anymore, though, so I called Maddox. But it was the night Lilly wound up in the hospital, so he didn't answer. So I called Cassius instead. He came to Fra... Fred's place right away, beat the shit out of him, then drove me home." Cassie knew that this was a lot. In fact, she didn't even realize how bad it all was until she'd begun to explain it all aloud to her sister. At least she could trust her, though. If she could trust anyone, it was Dani. "I wasn't going to go to his house anymore. I didn't want anything else to do with him. But we both--" she paused again, "Uh, we both go to the same place a lot. And we were both there that afternoon, and I tried to leave, but he said that if I didn't go to his place again," she swallowed, replaying the thing he'd said about how he must've liked fat chicks in her head, though she wasn't going to talk about that. She hadn't realized she'd begun to shake, though, just at the thought of it. She pulled her sleeves down over her shaky hands to keep them covered and out of view, but as she spoke again, her voice betrayed her. "If I didn't keep sleeping with him, he'd go to the cops. About Cassius, I mean. The number he'd done on his face could've gotten him into some serious trouble. So I went with him to his place again. It was Cassius' birthday, and we had plans, but I had to text him to tell him I had to bail. Fred saw me texting and took my phone. I guess Cass figured out what was going on, because he kept texting me and I didn't text back, since like I said, Fred had my phone. He and Sage showed up to Fred's place and brought me home, then we went back for my phone the next day. I texted you as soon as I got it back." Her voice and hands were still shaky, so she made a point of not looking at her sister. "That's it." Her voice was quiet now, almost a whisper, "Pretty pathetic, huh?"
Dani was trying her best not to get angry as she continued to listen. Her fists were clenched on her lap as she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She figured with everything she learned so far, it was a miracle she hadn't lost it already. It didn't take much to piss Dani off, but this was beyond anger. This was rage. Had she been the one Cassie had called, she would have shown up there with her Harley Quinn bat. It actually didn't sound like a bad idea right now, but she promised to hear her out. She didn't know what she even expected, though. It wasn't this. She knew that Cassie's boss had done something and that was only because Cassius spilled the beans. Otherwise, she probably could have figured it out. Cassie's whole 'Fra... Fred's,' thing was a dead giveaway. Obviously Cassie wasn't thinking clearly. If she had been, she would have seen that she wasn't fooling anyone. Dani liked to think that she was good at knowing when something was up. Maybe not as good as she thought, considering she didn't know anything was up until right now. That really sucked and she still didn't like that, but she could understand her sister calling Maddox or Cassius. Well, sorta. Dani had a habit of thinking nothing could hurt her, so she would fight anyone and everyone without a second thought. Man or woman, it didn't matter. She would fight them, especially for her sister. Of course they were the logical choice, so it made sense. She just didn't think logically. In fact, she didn't think at all. She reacted and didn't worry about the consequences. At least it seemed like Cassie had been thinking clearly that night. If the roles were reversed, Dani probably would have done the same. Kept Cassie far away. She used to do that back in high school, on her very worst days. She would push her family away, trying to protect them. Even when she wanted to be with them the most. Mostly Cassie. "I don't really know what to say." She finally spoke, her expression turning into a more softer one. She still didn't like the way things went down. She didn't like that Cassius took Sage along, and left her to worry. This wasn't really about her, though. It was about Cassie. The fact that some guy thought he could hurt her sister made her furious. Like she could literally kill. "What's pathetic is a grown ass man throwing a fit, because you didn't want to fuck him. I don't give a shit what he was on, that's disgusting." Again, she was forcing herself to be calm right now. It was easier said than done. "Okay, so what I'm getting is that you agreed to go with him, so Cassius didn't get in trouble? Are you kidding me right now? How is you being forced into bed better than that?" Maybe it was harsh and she knew it, but she didn't give a fuck about what happened to him. Only her sister. She was the only one that mattered.
Cassie could see how angry Dani was getting, and she really didn’t blame her. If the roles were reversed, and her sister was telling her all of this stuff, Cassie would’ve flipped out already. She would’ve stormed out of there and gone hunting down whichever asshole had done this to her. Cassie was even less rational than Dani was, though, and as much physical damage as she thought she could do, she was definitely the weaker triplet. For that reason and so many others, it was good the roles weren’t reversed. She knew she’d just given her sister a lot of rough information to swallow, and simply gave her a small, forced smile in response. “It’s okay, I wouldn’t know what to say, either.” There was nothing really to say. What was done was done now. Dani had wanted details, though, so Cassie had given them to her. She wasn’t really feeling like her same, feisty self anymore, not after getting all of that off her chest. Plus, those stupid words were still circling around her mind. You think anybody else is going to want some little slut who’s obviously too fat and lazy to last more than two rounds in bed? She swallowed, trying to push it to the back of her mind, but she couldn’t. She’s kind of fat these days. Cassie closed her eyes and could picture that smirk on Frank’s face as he told her, Guess I must have a thing for fat chicks. She ignored her sister’s questions, unable to focus on them. Unable to focus on anything other than those stupid things he’d said. She couldn’t even open her eyes, because she knew they were beginning to fill with tears, and her choked up voice completely gave that away as she whispered, “Dani, am I fat?”
Dani was clueless in most situations. She had a habit of making things worse, when all she wanted was to make things better. It seemed impossible for her to make anything better, though. What could she do? Her first thought was to run out of here and make Frank suffer. Cassie still didn't know that Dani knew who he was, and she actually planned on keeping it that way. She hadn't yet made up her mind of whether or not she was going to do something about him, but if she was, Cassie didn't need to know about it. If it comes to that, her sister would probably assume it was Cassius. That almost convinced her to go ahead and do it. There were more important things to worry about, though. Like the fact that her sister was clearly not okay right now. When she had asked her why she was protecting Cassius, she assumed that they were about to argue. Not that she wanted to, but that was really fucking stupid of her. Whatever happened to him couldn't be any worse than Cassie being forced to sleep with someone. Although, the two of them probably had different views on that. Cassie obviously cared about him, where Dani didn't. That's why she saw an argument coming. She probably would have taken that over this. Dani could handle her sister's snappy comebacks any day. What she couldn't handle was that forced smile. The way Cassie had been in her own head, clearly thinking about something else. Dani could only guess what. She had a good idea, though. Despite having to watch her sister struggle with it, Dani knew very little about eating disorders. She knew it wasn't as simple as eating and not eating, though. People assumed that the solution to being an addict was simple. Don't do drugs. It wasn't that simple, no matter how much she wished it was. She figured the same could be said for her sister. It just wasn't that simple. She worried that because of that, she wasn't all that helpful. Still, all she could do was try. "Cassie," She sighed, scooting closer to her sister. "Of course not. You never have been. In fact...." She trailed off, taking in her sister's appearance. The last thing she wanted to do was further upset her, but she had to ask. "Have you been eating?"
Cassie really hated herself and her body for this. She hated her parents for it too, because this was their fault. There were a lot of things the Harper children could blame on the fact that their parents were generally terrible, like their coldness or their knack for being completely distant at times. This, though, the whole eating disorder, body issues thing, was something Cassie could definitely blame them for, because they’d done this to her. They’d pushed this back on her when she’d started to recover from it, and she just hadn’t been the same since. More so lately than ever. What had happened with Frank was terrible. It was basically some kind of kidnap, she was pretty sure, and definitely some kind of abuse, but all she could think about now was her body. How disgusting it was to her, how horrible she felt about herself. That wasn’t normal. She should’ve been crying about what had happened with Frank, not about this. Feeling her sister moving closer to her and hearing the way she said her name, Cassie opened her eyes. They were glazed over with tears. Lying to Dani was always hard, but fighting off a disease was harder. Right now, the former was the easiest option, so Cassie nodded her head in response. “Yeah, I have. I’m okay. I just needed to hear someone say that what he said wasn’t true, that’s all.” All lies. It didn’t matter what anyone said, it wasn’t going to change Cassie’s mind or view of herself. If it got her sister off her back for a bit, though, then that was okay. It was worth it.
Cassie was exhausted, although that wasn’t something she was at all worried about. The main concern here was her sister, her niece, and even the woman giving birth to her. Still, she couldn’t help the way her eyes had been closing as she’d sat in an uncomfortable chair out in the hallway. Until all of the actual birthing process had started; then it had been impossible to sleep through the sound of Gaby screaming. Not only that, but Cassie was way more worried about all of them than she could even really explain, so she was practically wide awake whether she wanted to be or not. She was pretty sure she probably wasn’t supposed to be out here, and should’ve been in some actual waiting room somewhere, but since Gaby had been asleep a good majority of the time before she’d had to start pushing, Cassie had been sitting here to keep her sister company. Even if she’d been falling asleep while doing so. She wasn’t sure how long all of the pushing and screaming had been going on, but she had to hand it to Dani’s wife; she had a hell of a lot of stamina, since it felt like hours. Eventually, the screaming had stopped, and been replaced by the sound of a baby crying. Cassie had been so on edge that she literally felt tears beginning to pool in her eyes at the sound of the crying. That meant the baby was okay, right? She desperately wanted to see for herself, but she wasn’t about to just burst in there, so she waited as patiently as possible, catching a glimpse of the baby once she’d been wheeled out of the room in some little see-through crib thing. She was hooked up to wires, but Cassie could already tell she was gorgeous, and she couldn’t help but smile as her sister came into view, despite Dani’s tears and obvious exhaustion.
Dani couldn't believe that she managed to keep it together, but somehow she did. Their baby girl was here and she knew that they weren't out of the woods, yet, but she did know that she was okay. That made her feel a hell of a lot better. It was like the biggest weight had been lifted off of her chest. The second she heard Cassidy cry; she was a huge mess. She didn't even try to stop herself from sobbing. Whatever they had to do from there, she knew that they could handle it. She was going to be okay; Dani was sure of that now. Things weren't going to be easy, but that she could handle. As far as she was concerned, the worst part was over. That's what she had to tell herself as they moved her daughter to the NICU. It really sucked that she and her wife couldn't hold her. She understood, of course, but she got it. At least they got to see her. Not being able to hold her will be a struggle, but she could look at that beautiful baby all day. She hadn't seen anything more perfect since Josef was born. It made her sad as they moved her, because she wanted to keep looking at her. She'll have to go later, of course, but before she could do that; she had to talk to her sister. As soon as she saw her sister, she wrapped her arms around her. She wasn't even sure if she was still there. Not that expected her to leave; she just wouldn't blame her if she had. It was rough being here. "I wouldn't have been able to do this without you." She said, feeling so thankful for Cassie.
Cassie knew there was nothing she could do to help either Dani or Gaby in this situation. The only thing she could do was be there to offer support, and bring them things that they may have needed. She also wanted to know what was going on, though. She almost asked the nurses as they wheeled the baby past her, but she didn’t want to get in the way. Usually, Cassie was selfish enough to not care, but not when it came to her family. That baby was apart of her family now. She just had to trust that the medical people knew what they were doing, and that the higher powers she believed in were working in their favor while she continued to be her sister’s shoulder to lean on. It was almost an automatic reaction for her arms to wrap tightly around Dani once she’d joined her, which was weird, since they were usually not like that at all. It was obvious how much Dani needed her, though. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything but sit out here all night,” she laughed, holding her sister tightly, before letting go and stepping back to look at her. “Tell me everything. What happened? Is she okay? She’s so beautiful, Dani. I just saw her for, like, a second or two, but you guys have been seriously blessed with those two babies.”
Dani shook her head when her sister said she didn't do anything. As much as Dani hated to admit it; she needed help sometimes. No one could be as strong as she and Cassie seemed to be. And no one knew that like her sister did. Just being there is exactly what Dani needed. It had to be Cassie, too. Even when they were fighting; it didn't matter. She rushed over just like Dani knew that she would. Even praying with her made her feel better, as unbelievable as that was to Dani. It just made her feel better. "Maybe that's all I needed you to do." She said, hating the fact that her voice sounded like she had been crying. Which, she had, but she was happier now. Just really exhausted. "I couldn't even give you a play by play if I wanted to. I pretty much just did what they asked me to until the baby came. It was like, I couldn't even breathe until I heard her cry." Again, she found herself having to control her tears. They were happy ones this time, though. "She really is beautiful, isn't she?" She smiled, thinking about her tiny baby. Whether she came early or not; it didn't matter. She was beautiful. "Do you want to know her name?"
Cassie and Dani rarely had these emotional moments. They were very, very few and far between. But, one of the good things about their relationship was that no matter how much of a hard faced bitch act they may both put up most of the time, when one needed the other, they were always right there. They could always lower their guard for one another when they needed to, and it was clear that now was one of those times. Now was maybe the most crucial time for it, in fact. “Well, whatever. For once, I’m not the star here. I’d say it was more about you and your little family today,” she smiled at the other girl, more concerned with the details than with herself for once. Cassie could be selfish, she knew she could. Not right now, though. This time, when Dani cried, it was less of a heartbreaking sight. Instead, it was actually kind of heart warming, because Cassie could feel the relief behind them, and she couldn’t even explain how happy she was for her sister. “I don’t need a play by play. The main thing is that she’s here, and that she’s okay. I mean, she is okay, right? Did they say she is?” She figured she knew the answer, given how much happier Dani seemed, but she still wanted to make sure. The thought of the baby’s name had never even entered Cassie’s mind in all of the fear and exhaustion. “You picked one? Yeah, of course I want to know it.”
Dani couldn't help but it. When Cassie said she wasn't the star here, she laughed. Dani knew that they were all going through something here. It wasn't just her and Gaby; even if this effected them more than anyone. The truth was; baby Cassidy already had a lot of love. So many aunts and uncles who were going to be there for all of this, but in her eyes, none of them were more important than Cassie. It was funny to her that her sister said that, because she was sure she would agree with her. The fact that she didn't was kind of amazing. It made Dani even more sure about naming her daughter after her. "Just accept my appreciation, okay? Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not; you are the reason I didn't lose it." For a moment, Dani thought about how Cassie was always the reason she stayed sane. She had her wife and kids for that, too, of course. It just wasn't the same; especially when she couldn't lean on them for this. She honestly didn't know what she would have done if Cassie wasn't in town for this. That was how she felt and would continue to feel. "I mean, she's as healthy as she can be. She's going to need to be here awhile, but other than that, yeah. I really think everything is okay." She smiled, letting herself believe what she was actually saying. This was the happiest she felt since they came to the hospital. Things weren't perfect, but she didn't need them to be. She just needed them to be okay. "We had it picked out for awhile. We just hadn't told anyone, yet." She shrugged. "Her name is Cassidy. Cassidy Leah Bianca Lopez. I guess Gaby's sisters had to be in there somewhere, but I don't really care about that."
Cassie felt much better for seeing her sister laugh. The worst had been going through her mind all night, although she would’ve never admitted that to Dani or Gaby. It was impossible to not assume the worst in situations like this, though, and she was sure her sister had been thinking the exact same thing. The fact that she was able to laugh now made Cassie feel like things were brightening up for them, at least a little bit, and that was good enough for her for now. They’d take the next few weeks as they came. “Fine. I accept it. You’d have lost it long ago without me around, so I guess it’s about time you give me the credit I deserve,” she teased. It made her feel good to know she’d been some help here, even if all she’d done was sit out in the hallway and wait for everything to be over with. She wasn’t going to literally turn down praise. That just wouldn’t be Cassie. She nodded along as Dani explained things to her, the smile on her sister’s face mirrored by the one on her own. “Thank God. I told you your wife and daughter are strong.” Cassie generally found things out before anyone else when it came to Dani, but this was definitely something that made her feel special, especially since it seemed like they hadn’t told anybody else the baby’s name. She almost had her repeat it once she’d said it, though, wondering if she’d misheard her. “Wait, what?” she questioned, her brows tugging together. It shouldn’t have been too much of a surprise, considering their son was named after Gaby’s other siblings, but for some reason it was. Cassie wasn’t sure whether it was because she was so exhausted, or because she was just genuinely touched by the gesture, but she could feel her eyes starting to sting a little bit, and she was definitely a little choked up as she spoke. “Cassidy…” she repeated, nodding her head, “Well, we Cassidy’s are all fighters. I think it suits her.” Without even thinking about it, Cassie reached out and pulled her sister into her arms again, hugging her tightly, before whispering a soft, “Thank you.” It wasn’t like Cassie could have her own kids, so this meant more to her than Dani even knew.
Dani found herself laughing once again when Cassie talked about getting the credit she deserved. As much as she appreciated everything her sister has done, it felt nice to feel like themselves again. She still needed her there and she wasn't ashamed to admit it, but it was nice not to be the sobbing mess on the hospital floor; like she had been before. It had definitely been the longest night of her life. The fact that she made it through felt like some sort of miracle. She couldn't do it again if she had to. Or maybe she could, because she would still have her sister there with her. A part of her felt bad for not telling her other sisters about their new arrival, but not bad enough to actually reach out to them. As far as she was concerned, she had much more important things going on. They were free to see their niece, of course. If they came to her, she would give them every detail and encourage them to come. The one she needed was already there, though. And she was sure she knew it. "Yeah, well. Don't get used to it." She shrugged, knowing she was full of shit. The truth was; she was so grateful that she almost felt like she should stop giving her crap for leaving. Almost. Dani wasn't mature enough to actually stop. "Yeah. Thank God." She said softly. She wasn't even sure if she meant what she said, but what she believed or didn't believe wasn't really the point. Praying with her sister helped, she was sure of that. She felt like it was less about the praying and more about her sister just being there, but still. "If she has the same fight that you do then I have no reason to worry." Before she can say anything else, she was pulled in for another hug. She knew that Cassie would appreciate the name, but she wasn't really expecting that. Still, it was nice. "You're welcome."
NOTES ➝ Cassie goes to the hospital to be there for her sister.
Dani sighed as she stood outside of the hospital room. She really was trying her best to keep herself together, but that was really hard to do under the circumstances. How was she even supposed to feel right now? Not only was she worried about her unborn child; she was worried about her wife. It didn't help that she had to text everyone who meant anything to them, explaining to each of them what was going on. The truth was, most of those people were Gaby's friends or family. Sloane was one of Dani's closest friends, but truth be told, she had told her because she had Josef. It wasn't nice of them to keep them in the dark, but since when did she care about being nice? She didn't feel like telling people over and over that the baby was coming. If one more person told her that it was too soon, she was going to slap them in the face. She didn't care about who they were. That's how frustrated she was right now. The only person she really cared about seeing was Cassie. She knew it wasn't fair to fight with her and then drop a bomb the way she had, but she couldn't help herself. She was mad at her. Even if she didn't really have a right to be. Did she really expect Cassie to always be around? Well, yeah, she did. It sucked when she wasn't. She didn't give a shit that they were adults and living their own lives. It was stupid and probably unhealthy, but it didn't matter when she was in town. Dani acted like the same, stupid child. Considering her age, she was positive that would never change. Still, despite all of that, it didn't change the way things were between them. Cassie was always the one she needed when things were bad. Gaby now, too, of course, but it wasn't the same. Gaby's entire family gathered together for shit like this. She only ever wanted Cassie. If Cassie wanted an apology when she got there, Dani would give it to her. She probably wouldn't, but still. Dani was in no place to argue. She didn't have the strength.
Cassie hated being back here. She may have been born here, and she may have grown up here, but it was never her home. The place was filled with too many shitty memories, and as selfish as Cassie knew it was for her to just ditch the way she had, she couldn’t help it. She’d gone through the worst times imaginable in Los Angeles, and now that she was back here, all she wanted to do was leave again. In fact, she’d almost tried to convince Cassius earlier today that they should go back to Oregon, blow this whole thing off and everybody else here. It became clear to her why she hadn’t, though, when she’d gotten Dani’s message, letting her know the baby was coming. Cassie hadn’t been around for any of the pregnancy—It would’ve been different if Dani was the one carrying the baby, obviously—but she was going to be there for her sister now. She’d even be there for Gaby, because she was the other mother of her nephew and soon to be niece, but her main concern right now was her sister. And her niece, obviously, but she couldn’t do anything to help her. She could be the shoulder she knew Dani needed to lean on, though. No matter how shitty things could be between them, they were always each other’s rock. That would never change. The car ride took way too long for her liking, but soon she was being dropped off at the hospital, and Cassie was directed right to Gaby’s room, where she saw her sister waiting outside. It was clear that Dani had been crying, but Cassie knew she had a good reason to. It was kind of heartbreaking to see, actually. “Hey, anymore news?” she asked, walking over to the taller girl. Without a second of hesitation, she reached out, pulling her into her arms.
Dani was so past trying to keep things together. What was even the point? She usually had reasons to keep herself together, but she couldn't think of one good reason to do that now. Gaby was in there sleeping. Dani had managed to get some sleep, but it wasn't much. If her wife managed to sleep even more, she would probably go back and sleep more. She had never been so exhausted in her life. The second she knew everything was okay, she was going to sleep for an entire day and feel no shame about it. For now, all she could do was force herself to stay awake. Even if she was seconds away from falling over and sleeping on the floor. If there was one person she needed to be with her right now, it was Cassie. She didn't know what it was she expect from her, but she knew that she needed her there for sure. It didn't matter that her sister couldn't exactly do anything, because being there was good enough for her. She knew that the second that she saw her. She had convinced herself that she was all out of tears, but that proved to be untrue once she started crying on Cassie's shoulder. This wasn't right. They shouldn't even be there now. It was too early. She was sick of being reminded of it, but it was true. "The baby is definitely coming." She said, forcing herself to pull away from her sister. Not that even wanted to, but she felt the tears on her face and had to wipe them away. She hated crying already. "Gaby is sleeping now, but it's happening. They're trying to delay it for as long as they can. I would give you the details if I knew more; except I zoned out when they started explaining all the risks..." She trailed off, glancing back through the hospital door. "I don't know what I would do if something happened to either of them."
Cassie would usually have made fun of her sister for crying, but not this time. Not when it was over something as serious as her child’s life on the line. It wasn’t even Cassie’s baby and she was about ready to burst into tears, but she wasn’t going to do that. She was going to be there for Dani, and wrapped her arms tightly around her, just giving her the time she needed to let everything out. Cassie gently rubbed the other girl’s back. “It’s okay,” she whispered, holding onto her, “It’s gonna be okay.” Not that she had the answers, but what else could she say? When Dani pulled back, so did Cassie, but she kept her hands placed on her arms, looking up at her as she spoke. She didn’t even like babies, but it was different when they were her nieces and nephews, so Cassie was definitely worried, too. She followed her sister’s gaze through to the room where her sister-in-law was sleeping, then looked back at Dani again when she spoke, giving her a small smile. “You know nothing’s going to happen to them, right? Your family is so strong, there’s no way that little girl isn’t going to be, too. I mean, don’t tell her this, because you know I like to give her a hard time, but even Gaby is one of the strongest people I know.” Cassie glanced through the door again, then back to her sister. “Any woman that can grow two babies in her body, and deal with being married to you, has to have some serious lady balls. Nothing will happen to either of them. You two have got this, Dani. You know you have.”
Dani didn’t know what to believe at that point. She was exhausted and her body was ready to shut down at any moment, but how could she even sleep right now? All she could do was wait. That was probably the worst part of the situation. The waiting. The not knowing was scary for sure, but the waiting is what made it worse. They had no way of knowing what was going to happen. Even the doctors couldn’t tell them. It was driving Dani crazy. Part of her needed to know what was going on now, but another part was too scared to find out. What if it was something bad? What if they lost her? Dani wasn’t strong enough to handle the thought; let alone it actually happening. From the moment she found out her wife was pregnant, all she would think about was the day they extended their family. It should have been simple, just like it had been with Josef. She wanted to hold her baby girl and take her home. That’s why she had to believe Cassie when she said everything would be okay. She didn’t have a choice; she had to believe it. Not believing almost felt like giving up and she couldn’t do that. “She really is strong, isn’t she?” She whispered, thinking about her wife sleeping in that hospital bed. As hard as this was for Dani, she couldn’t imagine how Gaby must be feeling. She was the one going through this. She was the one who not only dealt with the pain, but also had to deal with the not knowing and the waiting. Dani didn’t know how she did it. She was barely hanging on. If it wasn’t for her sister being there, she didn’t know what she would be doing now. “I don’t know that.” She shook her head, even more tears pouring down her face. She really fucking hated crying. “I keep saying that everything will be okay and I have to believe it, but I’m barely keeping it together right now. I’m trying to be strong, because I have to be, but I don’t know anything. That’s why it’s so hard. I just don’t know.”
Cassie was terrible at comforting people, especially in situations she had no idea about. Like this one, for example. Babies were absolutely not her forte, but she could appreciate the fact that her sister needed her, so she’d do everything she could to be whatever she needed for her right now. She just listened, her hand rubbing Dani’s arm gently as she broke down all over again. If anything was going to break Cassie’s heart in two, it was that sight. Dani was always so strong, or at least she pretended to be. The thing was, Dani and Cassie were way more alike than either of them would ever like to admit aloud, so she knew it was just that: An act. She wasn’t an emotionless robot, no matter how much she may have tried to be one. “You don’t have to be strong, though. I mean, for your wife, sure. But right now, this is just me and you, Dani. You can let me be strong for you while it’s just the two of us. This baby is just as much yours as she is Gaby’s, so you have every right to be as upset as you are. Honestly, the fact that you’ve held it together for this long is surprising. You’re allowed to break down, too. But you have to think that everything is going to be okay. I know God doesn’t really mean anything to you, but I’ve been praying for you guys. I’m going to keep doing that until we know everything is okay. I know that it will be, you just have to think positively.”
Dani hated that her sister had a good point. She didn’t have to be strong right now. Gaby was sleeping and she literally had nothing to do as they waited for Cassidy’s arrival. She could be strong as long as she was with her wife, but when it was just her and her sister, she really didn’t have to be. She had been trying; she really had. She liked to pretend that nothing could break her, but this entire situation had proven that wasn’t true. “I thought I could do it.” She said, her voice so soft it was practically a whisper. “As soon as Gaby told me her water broke, I did what I could to get her here. To make sure that she didn’t freak out. I mean.... She’s in labor two fucking months early. What am I supposed to do? I would do anything; I just need to know what.” She said, her voice sounding desperate; as if her sister had the answer she was looking for. Cassie talking about God only made Dani sigh. It wasn’t that she had an issue with religion, since she knew her sister was very religious herself. It was the fact that Cassie was right. God didn’t really mean anything to Dani. The fact that her parents were super religious, and therefore couldn’t accept their lesbian daughter, seemed like a pretty good reason for her to have doubts. Still, she respected what her sister believed. She wouldn’t tell her she was wrong or even try to argue, because there was no point. Besides, considering the situation she was in, she could probably use all the help that she could get. “It’s hard to think positive when all I can think of is that stupid doctor telling us all of the risks. All of the things that could happen to her.” If she was trying to stay strong any longer; she certainly wasn’t at that point. She leaned back against the wall, her face in her hands as she slid down to the floor. She didn’t care who saw her sitting there; crying as if the absolute worst had already happen. She was so exhausted she couldn’t even hold herself up. If this is her now, she didn’t know how she was going to be strong when the baby got there.
Cassie really wished she had the answers here. She wanted to be able to help her sister, give her some words of encouragement that had all of the confidence behind them that she needed. Dani wasn’t stupid, though. Neither of them knew what was going to happen, and they could hope and pray that everything was going to be okay, but nobody knew for sure. Not even the doctors. Cassie had never had much faith in medical staff for her own reasons, but she had to trust them now, and so did Dani. “Doctors are stupid in general. It’s basically in their contracts that they have to outline all of the worst case scenarios so they don’t risk getting their asses sued if something goes wrong. But there are so many more success stories than there are otherwise.” Cassie had no idea if that was helpful or not; she was going to go with not, though. It wasn’t like she was being reassuring, she was just stating facts. She bit her lip as she watched her sister slide down the wall, like she’d been completely broken. It was really difficult to watch, but definitely not as difficult as what Dani was going through, so Cassie understood. Slowly, she sat herself down on the floor beside her sister, wrapping her arms around her and resting her chin against her shoulder. “It’s okay, Dani. You’ve done everything you can do. You just have to put your faith in something else now. Whether that’s the doctors or…” she trailed off, pulling back and leaning against the wall, too. Though she faced her sister. “Will you do something with me? Like I said, I know you don’t believe it, but maybe you could pray with me. You don’t even have to talk. You don’t even have to believe, but I do. I can believe for the both of us.”
Dani wasn’t a stranger to feeling helpless. It wasn’t a secret that she had a rough life. There were things she had done; that she had been through, that to this day still haunted her. That’s why she was so sure she could handle anything. She was at a good place in her life. A beautiful wife, amazing career, a beautiful son and a baby on the way. On her darkest days, she never imagined she would have anything like this. Even if she hated talking about it; she was an addict. When everyday is a struggle, other people give up on you. When that happened, you give up on yourself. And even if she didn’t believe in God, she wouldn’t stop her sister from praying for her. If there is a God then this would Dani needed him the most. No matter how hopeless she felt back then, it didn’t compare to how she felt now. If she hadn’t been crying, she would have answered her sister right away. It was hard for her to say anything when she could barely catch her breath. So instead of saying anything, she leaned against her further and nodded her head. Praying wasn’t something she usually did, except for with Cassie, so she was willing to do it with her. She would do anything if she thought it would help.
