God. Talking to Lev about the religion we're in the process of making together... He's been treating it as a pet project for only the two of us bc it makes me anxious, ie he's hiding what it truly is and I only know that it's hidden and not what is hidden, but slowly hes introducing the idea of it being an actual established thing with more than just us in it (not necessarily big, just that us two was already intimidating in size when it started so even three people feels Established to me), and I just asked him like. OK. You know. I already know Im coming here and incarnating from the future for A Personal Job, is this a part of it? Do the waters of our time mention or talk about this or does it die with me? I'm not getting into what was said because future shit is the one thing I don't want to discuss anything about online, and also I. kinda. shut down him answering bc I don't want to think about it rn
Suddenly though I'm like... A switch is flicking in my head from "I was a part of the pop culture pagan section of my ex's cult, he was having me expand his cult by creating a 'new religion' based on BB secretly connected to it" to "hold on, why did my ex, who knows who I am and when and where I'm from, start trying to get me to create a new religion with him that's eerily similar to the one Leviathans insisting on creating with me?" i already new my ex has been trying to twist fate and time and reorder his downwards spiral and steal shit for his own and so this is a little...... Uh...
Bc like. I keep getting this overwhelming relief and clarity throughout my entire working w Lev - even way before this was ever a broached subject - these past three years of "ohhh THIS was what I was supposed to be doing, THIS is who I was supposed to be doing things with, THIS is the real god of oceans and dreams and the dark shadowy aspects of life and (etc), my ex was just fully playing up all these aspects to fulfill a role" i never.... Stopped to ask why my ex did that.
Why was he having me fashion a religion based on what I'd later come to find was Leviathans attributes, energies, symbols, etc ?? Because my soul already loved him, he didn't need to pretend to be Lev bc I knew lev and not him or something. He could've picked a mask based on anything - he even specifically picked cut content micolash and not even in game micolash because the mask he chose didn't fit micolash's aesthetics and energies so it's not even a "oh well I just happened to be drawn to micolash bc micolash is like Leviathan, so he had to go with it" they. are not alike. he literally had to change his fictional mask to be like Leviathan. He had to warp the character so hard and just count on cut content mic having no fucking content so that he could be as much like Lev as possible. Yes, they are indeed very similar, but like also no they're not. Anyway. and then he spent five years bringing me into this spirituality only to start building a religion with me -
- oh my god. I always brush past "yeah in the months before we broke up was when he started getting me to write stuff on the religion, our religion (called Oceanic Spirituality. bruh) really only started being made just before shit hit the fan and idk what he was trying to get me to do" but like. I. Wasn't supposed to be making it with him. was I.
