Cancerversary
A year ago today I received a gift wrapped in three words, “You have Cancer.” A non-refundable gift which I reluctantly accepted as my bubble (that I didn’t even realize existed) burst around me.
At this point in treatment it’s hard to imagine my life without having experienced Cancer, but a year ago today when I heard those words, I was beyond disbelief. I feel as if the English language has such a limited vocabulary to describe what followed. No words to express the complicated mix of emotions that pulsed through my systems that day. I have never in my life experienced such an intense emotional response…such anguish before April 27, 2017.
“Were it possible for us to see further than our knowledge reaches, and yet a little way beyond the outworks of our divining, perhaps we would endure our sadness with greater confidence than our joys. For they are the moments when something new has entered into us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy perplexity, everything in us withdraws, a stillness comes, and the new, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it and is silent.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
I cry as I read this quote because the new appeared, as Rainer Maria Rilke said it would, though I couldn’t always see it or appreciate it while in the midst of the sadness.
I am new. I am in a different place than I was a year ago. I was given this gift –
“In it I found courage I never knew existed and a patience far beyond anything ever experienced. I was given the ability to trust a stranger with that most dear to me, and an endurance for the unknown. I was given unconditional love of family and friends, always there, never stopping, never faltering. I was given many prayers from far and wide, and the warmth of knowing I am truly cared about. I was given a fond farewell of my modesty and vanity, and the acceptance and love of an imperfect body. I was given a strong shoulder to lean on when that shoulder had once grown distant, and laughter and good times, more special than ever before. I was given many new friends, wonderful, courageous women I am so very proud to know. I was given warm sunshine and beautiful green grass, blue skies, and sparkling city lights. I was given things to see, that once before were ignored. I was given the chance to wake up, instead of sleepwalking through life. I was given every glorious day to enjoy, every month to savor, every year to rejoice. I was given the gift of life, I was given breast cancer. Excerpt from Poem, “A Gift” by Linda Nielsen
Today I stand NED (No Evidence of Disease).
Today I am proud of my scars that run deep across my flesh and cherish the new nicks to my heart.
Today I realize my strength, my potential, my fierceness
Today I realize how much I am loved
Today I won’t back down
AND
Today I still fear; my heart still aches; I cry; yell when I am angry; laugh at myself (I’m pretty hilarious).
Today I reflect and examine my life – Who Am I? Am I living my best life?
Today I know I am where I am meant to be even though I don’t know what the future holds
Today I am learning to be more comfortable with the unknown
Today the new is standing in the still and silence
As I soon head into a place without Cancer treatment (doctors’ appointments, tests/scans, blood draws, surgeries, etc.) I am no longer consumed by my experience. My journey is like a web which has woven back into the fabric of everyday life (life pre-cancer) but with a golden thread highlighting the way, giving me perspective of those things most important in life - love and connection, gratitude, and joy in simplicity.
Thank you, boobs, for showing me who is really boss….that I am not in control of everything and that I too can ride this wave of life, even when the waves are big and scary.
I am still here. I am still alive. I continue to show up.