#that headspace

[666bone]

.

[raeunderground]

got offered a full-time red polo position, today. it'd be as the closing shift lead, which would mean a lot of late nights, most nights, but also fifty hours a week - which means hefty paychecks, and a pay raise, too. and right now, all i want to do is throw myself into work without looking back. without having a break to do much more than breathe, shower, sleep - then rinse and repeat. because, if i'm being honest? i can't handle it, anymore. thinking about you, i mean. (always thinking about you.) my feelings for you are eating me alive, just like before. i'm either in love with you, or in love with the idea of you, or in love with how beautifully i've been able to miss you. you came back, only to stand too close and too far away. you're breaking my heart, tit for tat, and i'm letting you. but i'm starting to feel the strain, now. the toll it's taking. i'm slipping, missing doses, losing sleep, refusing to eat - my writing has faltered, and i'm snappish, bitter, angry. my entire body aches, desperate. my counselor told me, back, after what happened, that i was an addict, craving. i had all the same signs, same symptoms - withdrawal. a junkie, needing her fix. i used to get it through poems. but, like everything else, i gave those away - to you.  so, now what am i left with? without those poems, my fix? i'm restlessness and disease. i'm bruises and scar tissue. dearest, darling, i'm sick of, sick from, sick with loving you. and i don't think i can't handle that being true, anymore.