#the coreys

[movieassholes]

Of course I care. I wanted you to love me. I just didn’t think you would.

  Megan - Blown Away (1993)

[echoesofthen]

[kevintor]

I Watch a Movie I Should Have Seen: “License to Drive”

This is the Corey Haim/Corey Feldman movie that always comes to mind when one mentions the Coreys. I know there were others but this would be the first one to pop in my head. I knew absolutely nothing about it.

My thoughts:

The opening credits feature all of the sound effects you need to make your next PowerPoint presentation a home run!

We have a young Heather Graham at her most Malibu Barbie or maybe Malibu Skipper.

Driver’s Ed teacher calls Haim a punk for falling asleep in class and tells him paramedics are going to "scrape him off the road one day.” Are teachers allowed to make death prophecies anymore? Damn helicopter parents, ruining teachers’ lives.

Heather Graham is currently with a guy who drives a Ferrari. I lost so many girls to guys with Ferraris in high school. At least one, give or take.

Feldman, Haim, and another friend (NonCorey) go to a party, do the “drop us off down the street so no one sees the parent driving” thing, and then stand in the corner playing a game where they pick a girl and guess what kind of car she would lose her virginity in. If you guessed the slightly overweight girl would lose hers in a “garbage truck,” you...win? This is “Saved by the Bell” humor at its finest.

Heather Graham’s name is Mercedes Lane. Other options were Toyota Avenue, BMW Beltway, and LeSabre Weigh Station.

Haim impressively bombs his written driver’s test. He smacks his computer monitor in frustration which causes a chain reaction shutting down the whole DMV system. It was anyone’s guess how computers worked in the 80s.

With the system down, the DMV decides that since Haim’s twin sister passed, he must have passed too. It was anyone’s guess how twins worked in the 80s.

Uncle Phil is in the passenger seat for the field driving test. He precariously places a cup of coffee on the dashboard and tells Haim if it spills, he fails. He doesn’t put it in a cup holder. It’s just loose on the dashboard and the car has a manual transmission. Hermione Granger couldn’t pass this test. "It’s CoffeeOHsa, not CoffeeoSAH."

Haim does the impossible and passes the field test but someone must have unplugged the DMV and plugged it back in because his written test was recovered and he doesn’t get his license.

Mercedes gets drunk downing a comically large bottle of champagne during her date with Haim. She’s 85 pounds at most. 95 if you count hair products. She could have gotten wasted sniffing the cork. She’d die if she drank a giant bottle of champagne.

FAKE BEEJ ALERT: Mercedes lowers herself out of frame into Haim’s lap. Haim looks at the camera like naughty stuff is about to go down but she’s just passed out and probably about to die from alcohol poisoning. Wanh wah.

While Mercedes is passed out in the back seat, Haim picks up Feldman and NonCorey to keep the night going. What’s first on the docket? Taking pictures of Mercedes’s chest by pulling down her shirt front! I’ll take “Sexual Assault” for 400, Alex!

It really bothered me that the front license plate of Haim’s car said “Granpa” and the back said “Grandpa.” No joke here. It just ate away at me.

Everyone knows you can’t pick up new girls if you still have an unconscious one in the car. That’s why they lock Mercedes in the trunk for the next few movie scenes.

Haim pulls over for a drunk driving checkpoint. The cop discovers Haim doesn’t have a license, finds Mercedes in the trunk, and just about when he’s going to send Haim down the river for a long time, another call comes in and they have to leave the checkpoint. “Well, possible serial killer, you got lucky. There’s a 394 in progress and we have to go. Drive safe and poke a few holes in the trunk. Don’t want your latest victim to die before you get home. Take care!"

And, of course, a very inebriated guy, who was also at the checkpoint, steals Haim's car and proceeds to total it. This is all karma for lying to his parents. If you’re reading this, Cassidy, never lie to your parents.

Haim takes the drunk guy’s car and chases after his grandpa’s stolen car. A stunt man, that looks nothing like Haim, climbs from drunk’s car to grandpa’s car. The stunt man was built like the Rock. Oh, this movie would have been so good if the Rock was in it!

While frantically driving his pregnant mom to the hospital, Haim cuts off Uncle Phil causing him to spill his coffee. Uncle Phil then yells Haim’s name in anger. How does he remember him? He gives hundreds of driving tests. Does Uncle Phil have the Marilu Henner perfect recall thing? Or is it just that Haim was the only person to ever make it through the test without spilling the coffee?

I really liked this movie, too. Minus the cringey picture taking scene, it was a lot of fun. A good “one crazy night” type of film. That’s two good Coreys movies on the list. I’ve heard that’s the number it stops at. We’ll see...

[newlanderfansquad]

[ilikeyourcabinboy]

I was just absently singing this to the cat and then I laughed for thirty seconds because synchronicity is hilarious sometimes.

[laufeysons]

the corey’s give me a lot of feels