A Story So Good It Comes With Its Own Codename
Okay, so, I know I'm trying (not very hard) to remain anonymous, but this story isn't funny if I don't call this guy by his actual nickname.
Don't worry, I won't tell you his real name because I don't remember it.
Aaaanyway. Remember that time when I talked about how much I enjoy house party conquests? At the beginning of this year I went to a friend's birthday party, and most of the guests were his old college friends I had never met that mostly did not live in the area. So, bottle of whiskey in hand, I went to work making my rounds and picking out my next victim.
My (already very drunk) friend stumbled around with me, introducing people as he went. Somewhere along the first go-round, he pulled somebody over and introduced him as Batman. Just Batman, nothing else, I kid you not, and then we moved on before I had a chance to question it.
The choice was obvious.
I'll admit he was short for my taste, but not entirely unattractive, plus I still had lots of whiskey to drink, plus he was the only bro not playing beer pong and getting nostalgic about fraternities when I made my way back to the kitchen. PLUS BATMAN.
Fortunately when your nickname is Batman you pretty much come with your own built-in icebreaker. "So, 'Batman', huh? What in the hell is that all about?" Apparently what it was all about is having too many friends with the same first name in a group, and so they were all assigned nicknames. Once upon a time somebody thought he resembled Christian Bale (I worked very hard to make sure I had no reaction to this statement through surprised-looking facial expressions/laughter), and therefore - Batman. And his friends all went with it, so it stuck. Super boring story for such a badass nickname, but good for you, bro.
As the night/intoxication progressed, I was noticing that this particular conquest was becoming INCREDIBLY easy. The whiskey was telling me that it was just because I was incredibly awesome and sexy and shhhh just go with it, and Batman kept pouring more booze in my cup and the host of the party was excitedly telling me to go for it, and so after some making-out against the kitchen counter I suggested we find a more private location. Every corner of the apartment was packed with boozers already, so Batman offered up the backseat of his SUV in the parking lot. I took one last shot to prepare myself for the obviously epic Batmobile sex that was happening in my head, and we headed out.
But okay, so, like...if people are going to call you Batman, you should have to adhere to some rules or something. Because if your nickname is Batman and you're taking a girl to your car to hook up and you drive a 10-year-old Ford Explorer, that's WHITE, that's going to be a pretty big letdown. (You should maybe also have a cape ready-to-wear at any given time, but that's not really as important.) But I was plastered and it was too late to switch him out for one of the other bros, so we climbed in and got down to business.
The combination of boozing and impatience can sometimes make me a little aggressive when it comes to sex, especially in these sorts of situations, so I can't say I gave him much of a chance to have an opinion, I pretty much just straddled him and started making pants go away. I guess maybe if there had been more of a setup/foreplay phase I would have noticed that he didn't know what in the fuck he was doing before it was too late, but I am drunk and stupid a lot, and so I was just going for it and he was trying his best to reciprocate but pretty much just letting me do all the work (but that happens a lot unfortunately so I wasn't stressed about it). And then, AND THEN!! LITERALLY just as we pass the point of no return he just closes his eyes and says, "This is my first time."
(Another rule of Batman is that you should definitely have had sex before. Definitely.)
So, like I said, I was entirely wasted. It was difficult for me to process this information. I froze, because maybe it wouldn't count if I didn't move? But then figured that was probably bullshit, he was already in, it was pretty much too late. When I finally came out of my panic he was all drunk and flustered and, "No no I didn't want you to stop I'm sorry it's fine it's totally okay I want to OH MY GOD CAN WE DO THIS NOW"
And, you know, I figured I at least owed it to him to make this all worth his while, and I'm pretty sure it was the best 6 and a half minutes of his life.
After all was said and done, I wasted no time putting myself back together and getting out of the damn car as fast as I could, and he stumbled out after me, and we didn't speak and went back into the house. AND THEN: my second mistake of the night - I couldn't find my phone, so I used his phone to call it. My third mistake was driving home, but there simply wasn't a better option. There were drunk people passed out on every surface, and this whole experience had done a pretty good job of sobering me up, and so when Batman decided to get in the shower I decided to go ahead and bolt.
The next day, just when I was starting to feel less horrified, I got a text. Saying something along the lines of, "Hey, is this _________? I'm sorry, I was really blackout drunk last night and remember us going to the car, but I was just wondering if we actually hooked up or not? Lol"
I couldn't even respond. I drunkenly took his virginity in 6 minutes and then bolted without a word he didn't even REMEMBER?! Too much. Not dealing with it. Sorry, bro. That's what you get for still having your V-Card in your early 20s. Not my problem.
Then he found me on Facebook. At first I had no idea who he was, because he is not The Batman on Facebook (shocker). He sent a message similar to the text, and finally I sent back a pretty generic, "Oh yeah sorry, I was really drunk too but I believe we did, in fact, have sex. So, uh, sorry about that. Hope you had a good night." Then he sent me a friend request and also another message trying to be funny and start some kind of conversation. I ignored him on both fronts.
And then I threatened my friend/party host with death for not telling me. His response was something like, "Whatever, I've been trying to get that guy laid for years. Thanks!" Also much laughing in my face.
But! There is one good thing that came out of this experience, and it is that I can say the following sentence:
That's the story of how I took Batman's virginity.
-TWS