'The Wrong Ones' by Robert McGinnis.
Cover art for the novel 'The Wrong Ones' written by James McKimmey, published in 1961.
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'The Wrong Ones' by Robert McGinnis.
Cover art for the novel 'The Wrong Ones' written by James McKimmey, published in 1961.
Wednesday, July 21, 2021; 10:14.
Life truly is cyclical.
Here we are again. This feeling like a weight inside your body.
So many thoughts & feelings, but no release valve to let them all out.
Sometimes I think that I am the problem in my life. Maybe I will never know true happiness, because in some fucked up way I can’t let myself feel something I don’t truly believe I deserve.
Naively I thought for a moment, that I was maybe done being depressed. At least for a while. But in what scenario, do I get a good outcome? In what scenario does someone’s heart not break into a million pieces? In what scenario is that heart not mine?
I cry tears, but only for myself. & what I’m missing out on, for what I’m longing for.
Maybe that makes me a selfish person. But caring is hard. & what better person to care for than oneself.
Do you ever feel yourself changing? I feel myself losing my ability to love & care. It’s just too risky. There’s too many variables.
So my life isn’t over, although I sometimes wish it was. I’m sad, I’m lonely, but I’m here.
Coping mechanisms are an interesting thing. I can only control so much.
I write. I breathe. I imagine. I close my eyes at night only to wake in the morning to the same melancholic existence. I’m here; I EXIST.
Middle Life Crisis
Self destruct, self destruct, I hit the button
I didn’t mean to do it, I was hurting
Mid-life crisis, but I’m not old enough
Crying out for help-I’ve had enough!
I woke up & my life was in shambles
I quit my job, gave up on my family
I haven’t eaten in four days
I don’t feel hunger, I just feel rage
I found myself looking for love elsewhere
It’s whatever I want now, what do I care?
If I’m looking for trouble, I’ve certainly found it
Not to mention, a couple drug habits
I look in the mirror, I can’t recognize myself
I DON’T HAVE TO DIE TO EXPERIENCE HELL
Say yes to love and stop running towards the people you know can’t give you what you want and deserve. Sometimes people fear the right relationship so much they go for the wrong ones because when you get the right relationship then you have something to lose. But take that chance because you deserve a love that heals you.
(Source: thoughtcatalog.com)
Thursday, March 25, 2021; 13:43.
“How does this end?”
There’s many possible outcomes, none more likely than another. & I think that’s the scariest thing.
Idyllic wants don’t have a place in probability.
& the probability is pretty low on every single thing. But most things are less than ideal in this scenario.
“What am I doing anymore?”
I’ve been asking that for years. I guess some things never change. I guess some people never find their way.
But if there’s one thing that I have learned recently; we’re all in our way searching for the same thing. It’s so much less than even happiness. We’re all just searching for something that makes us FEEL anything, something that lets us know we’re still alive, that our hearts still beat. & our beating hearts? That lets us know that in some minuscule way, that meaning exists in some way.
I look into your eyes,
You see into my soul.
You feel the same way I do.
I know it must be true.
You’ll never say it out loud,
But yet you’re still around.
We live the lives we lead.
Can’t leave for any reason.
You’re here, just not quite with me.
This can’t be happening...
Just one smile, just one touch, a little look makes me insane.
& even if I want to leave, I just can’t get away.
You hold my feelings hostage,
Don’t think you even mean to.
But I can’t help myself, I’m crazy about you.
Is this just a game?
Are we still having fun?
Are we just causing pain?
Oh, what have we become?
Can we live with ourselves if we go through with this?
Will it be a hit, or just a bigger miss?
I feel your hand brush mine,
I feel you kiss my lips,
I see you in my dreams,
But that’s just all this is...
“I fucking miss you.”
-Things you want to say, but never can.