My So-Called Writing

“Black & white ray of sunshine.” Venmo @janexbang Cash App $cookiegorawrr

[hopeless-romantic-thoughts]

[12:00am] What is something that will remind you instantly of your crush, lover, an old flame or even an ex you can't get rid of from your mind?

It could be a song filled with memories of you and them driving on an empty expressway without a destination in mind. Or it could be a warm cup of hot chocolate with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream, a weird combination your past lover enjoyed and shared with you during the nights they stayed over.

For me... it's the scent of lemons, algebra exercises, the song 'Animal' by Trey Songz, lame pick-up lines, a specific cologne smell (musk and bergamot), ThirTEENTerrors (Netflix), and the nickname 'Bubs'

A/N: The things I've listed can be found as a piece of memory I have with each of my crushes/ex. Do let me know what things remind you of your lovers.

[sarcasticxsincerity]

1.) the scent of berry Blistex, The Used - In Love & Death

2.) Dashboard Confessional - “Hands Down”

3.) the word “as well”

4.) Guns N Roses, driving too fast

5.) Mickeys, Four Loko, druuuuuugs

6.) hookah, Miller High Life, the song he wrote for me

7.) backseat of the car, that one job we had together, my blanket that smelled like you at one point, TESSA VIOLET - BAD IDEAS album, the pants I was wearing the first time you took them off me

[summerofonenine]

8.) napping naked, shoulder rubs, movie nights, staying in, subtle love, reliability

9.) sexy accents, drinking beer, dirty videos

[summerofonenine]

Middle Life Crisis

Self destruct, self destruct, I hit the button

I didn’t mean to do it, I was hurting

Mid-life crisis, but I’m not old enough

Crying out for help-I’ve had enough!

I woke up & my life was in shambles

I quit my job, gave up on my family

I haven’t eaten in four days

I don’t feel hunger, I just feel rage

I found myself looking for love elsewhere

It’s whatever I want now, what do I care?

If I’m looking for trouble, I’ve certainly found it

Not to mention, a couple drug habits

I look in the mirror, I can’t recognize myself

I DON’T HAVE TO DIE TO EXPERIENCE HELL

[summerofonenine]

Up late in the middle of the night, wishing I could hear from you.

Can’t sleep ‘cause I got you on my mind, baby tell me what should I do.

In the morning after finally dozing off, I know I’ll have dreamed of you too.

But do you feel the longing?

Does it make you sad?

& do you feel the wanting?

Does it make you feel good or bad?

Is this just a tragedy?

Am I stuck between right & wrong?

Can we just love each other casually?

Or is that chance long gone?

When you’re up late in the middle of the night, I know you’re busy with work.

But do you think of me, do you miss me, does it make your heart hurt?

& when you can’t sleep because your mind is racing, is it racing with thoughts of me?

Fast forward to the morning light, did you dream of me?

But do you feel the longing?

Does it make you sad?

& do you feel the wanting?

Does it make you feel good or bad?

Is this just a tragedy?

Are you stuck between right & wrong?

Can we just love each other casually?

Or is that chance long gone?

I wonder when I’ll see you again.

You’re busier now than ever before.

Sometimes I think this is our end.

I can’t bring myself to ask you for more.

Even though each time it seems final,

This isn’t the first time we’ve been through this.

Am I just in ice cold denial?

Was it ever this serious?

[summerofonenine]

I look into your eyes,

You see into my soul.

You feel the same way I do.

I know it must be true.

You’ll never say it out loud,

But yet you’re still around.

We live the lives we lead.

Can’t leave for any reason.

You’re here, just not quite with me.

This can’t be happening...

Just one smile, just one touch, a little look makes me insane.

& even if I want to leave, I just can’t get away.

You hold my feelings hostage,

Don’t think you even mean to.

But I can’t help myself, I’m crazy about you.

Is this just a game?

Are we still having fun?

Are we just causing pain?

Oh, what have we become?

Can we live with ourselves if we go through with this?

Will it be a hit, or just a bigger miss?

I feel your hand brush mine,

I feel you kiss my lips,

I see you in my dreams,

But that’s just all this is...

[sarcasticxsincerity]

Fairytale Land

We’re lovers in theory but technically wrecked. Explanations entangled into a big mess. Now we’re just like friends. & it’s nothing more. That’s all it’ll ever be. But you still put your arm around me. This is what it would be like for a day. Hoping you realized this is it. & thinking maybe you will stay. I think I know better this time. You kiss my cheek, let go of my hand. You’ll never change. You live in fucking fairytale land.

[summerofonenine]

Circa 2010.

[sarcasticxsincerity]

A work in progress..any suggestions?

What if I told you? That there was something I’ve been hiding.

& what if I told you? That there was something you’ve been missing.

All I gotta say is, all I wanna say is, all I needa say is, this:

You are the one…I think about in the morning.

& you are the one…I dream about in the night.

If I die, I wanna know, I lived my life lovin’ you.

& I’m here, to let you know, that I just love you.

I couldn’t, imagine goin’ on without you.

& if I die, I wanna know, I lived my life right with you.

& that’s why I, am tellin’ you, that I just need you.

& people say that love isn’t real.

Some people say that it’s once in a lifetime.

Others say love is blind, love is kind.

I think to each his own.

I don’t care, about any of that.

I just want you here with me.

[summerofonenine]

Circa 2010

[sarcasticxsincerity]

=]<3

As much as I’d like to think it’s true.

I know it’s not.

As much as I’ve thought it through.

I know it’s done.

I feel your hand, it’s on my heart.

& it’s dripping away like blood.

I felt your hand, but now it’s gone

I guess I know it’s really over.

Last time, I heard your words.

They were different than now.

& now they hurt.

Whatever happened to just you & me.

Us alone, just together.

Why can’t it be the way it used to be?

All these questions, all this hate.

Everything is changed now.

& I feel so insane now.

You said you’d be worth the wait.

But you lied again.

Guess I shoulda learned how.

So lost & alone.

Who even gives a fuck anymore?

[summerofonenine]

Circa 2010

[sarcasticxsincerity]

Give Me Your Smile

When I wake up & realize it’s just me

What happened to how we were suppose to be

Nothing lasts forever, is what people always say

We had the farthest thing from nothing

So why aren’t you still here today

‘Cause if you were, I’d be begging you to stay

Give it just one last chance

Come home for just a while

Hug & kiss & talk it out

I’ve been dying to see your smile

I’ve been dying to see you

I’d do anything to see you

One last time

Give me your smile this one last time

You always said I was the one

You’re true love

The only one

For you

But I never told you

& I know that

Sorry isn’t good enough

Fear is no good excuse

Love is what I did deny

& I’ve messed up big time

But I’m dying for you to be mine

I’ve been dying for you

I’d do anything for you

Just give me your smile & be mine

I swear I’ll do it right this time

I didn’t mean to make you cry

 & you never meant to crush me

But give us a chance & you’ll see

I use to treat life like a game

Until you came a long

You showed me love like none before

That’s what made us so strong

I never said that you were wrong

I never meant to hurt you

& I promise to always be true

Our flaws are all one in the same

So learn from each others mistakes

It’s just a series of give a take

But I can’t take much more of this

I’ve been dying for you

I’d give anything to you

I’d give you the world

But I’m dying to see your smile

Give me your smile & I know

I messed up big time

But if you just decide that you wanna be mine

I swear I’ll do it all right this time

[summerofonenine]

Circa 2010

[summerofonenine]

20/20 (Heartbroken)

Heartbroken, before we crossed paths Hindsight is 20/20, don't look back To each other, lonely lovers gravitate The hell we live in, is what we create

Youngsters now, meeting for the first time Flirty smiles, flirty eyes Nervous now, but thought it was fate Inexperienced, we still hesitate Did you love me? What was it to you? You're hands on my body, thinking love was true

Heartbroken, before we crossed paths Hindsight is 20/20, don't look back

Look at you, look at me I look in your eyes, you look straight passed me Having fun, moving fast The fun we have here will not last We tried to use each other as a quick fix Gave it our all, but still we missed

To each other, lonely lovers gravitate The hell we live in, is what we create

Limited, your time for me You life goes on without me Are we just more work for each other? Should we move on? Should we call it over? On & on we drag this out We stick around, but with our doubts

Heartbroken, before we crossed paths Hindsight is 20/20, don't look back To each other, lonely lovers gravitate The hell we live in, is what we create

Heartbroken, long before we crossed paths Hindsight is 20/20, never look back To each other, lonely lovers gravitate The hell we live in, is what we create The hell we live in, is ours to make

[summerofonenine]

Hold On

Give me a sign, give me a way. Tell me just what to say. 'Cause I can't do this on my own. You're the one who makes me...

Did I wake up one day like this? Or has it been going on so long? Did it all happen in an instant?

You never know just where you’re going. You never know what's going to happen next. Your never know just where you came from. & you don't feel like you belong. But, hold on.

[summerofonenine]

Fall Into Place

If I could do it again, I'd probably do it all right. But I'm satisfied. 'Cause mistakes, Are what we have made. & to learn them, isn't to lose.

The meaning of life, is in us. It's inside of us all. & people, they fall in love. But they fall out of it too. & it's nothing. Nothing to do with you. Nothing of me, or any of us. It's fate. Just like fate. Or similarly, something of the sort. But figuring it out, That's the trickiest part. You never know just what to do. So I say, forget the bad days. Forget it all. & fall into place. Life is a series of ups & downs. Has nothing to do with any of us. You'll go on living, Learn from mistakes, Get what you deserve. & finally, Just fall into place.

[summerofonenine]

Whatever Makes You Numb

Cursing like a sailor, drinking like a bum. I look myself in the mirror. Fuck, is this how I end up?

What happened to the sweet, little kid I used to be? I used to have a future, I used to have dreams. I was so bright, I used to get good grades. I had loads of common sense & I always found a way. A problem solver from start to finish, I guess I'm trying to figure out when I acquired this damage. When did I stop trying to solve the issue? When did I learn how to use & to misuse?

But back then things didn't weigh so heavy. No broken heart, let's move forward, I was ready. I didn't start out in this world with addiction. Depression & anxiety were developed afflictions. Self inflicted? Yeah, maybe they were. Teenage years wear hard on the soul. Hard on the mind. Yeah, they were hard times.

Just another sad girl trying to waste all her time. Just another lost kid, saying that they are fine. Just another druggie trying to get through the grind.

"Whatever makes you numb." That's the motto. & losing to your demons, is how it goes.

[pawkwardxx]

You still cross my mind every now & then. I don’t think I miss you anymore, but still I’m wondering. About you.

[summerofonenine]

The Craziest Thing

I remember that night like last night I thought things would be just fine But I was wrong, I guess we knew it all along Wishing better luck, to us next time

First you called her to come over And she said no, she didn't show Things were fine, until they crumbled down

Too bad she was my best friend Was the fault yours or mine in the end?

You whispered in my ear, "Whatever happens, it's alright It stays here tonight" You never meant it for you & me So we agreed, but had no idea Just what that meant tonight

I remember that morning like it was last week Staying up until 6AM He had to go, and that left us alone

Too bad, he was your best friend

We never knew what to expect From all the drugs & our connection The compliments from you to me Trying to make me see, the way that you see me

I remember the day like it was yesterday Waking up to the sound of your voice Everything had changed, nothing was the same I'm sorry, We made that choice

We didn't care to follow the rules We just fulfilled our wants, So cruel Hanging out with our fake friends, Never wanting the good times to end

I remember going home like it was this morning We talked about everything, our need to keep this quiet Our plan was a go, we said no one has to know I wish that was the end of it

Met up again & again & again Alone, Sometimes with friends

The secret was hard to keep, It hurt you & it hurt me

I said it wasn't meant to be But I knew you'd just agree The last couple that should be It was the craziest thing to me

Fell in love, if just for a moment Couldn't let it out of our minds I tried to put it in the past It happened way too fast

But that wasn't the end of that We tired again another time or two, But the guilt swallowed us whole We had to let go, without telling a soul & the heartbreak left us to each deal alone

Years later, memories are all we have & even though I know it's wrong I still miss you some days Even more when I read this song

Is he still your best friend? Did you know that she's still mine? I still saved your message to me I still read it occasionally She still doesn't know to this day, Does he? I wonder if you miss me, or if you ever think of me I wonder what would have happened With a real chance for you & me I don't love you anymore, But still you cross my mind I still say it was love THAT night & it's still the craziest thing, to me

[summerofonenine]

Let It Be

After all is said & done, I never wanted to blame you. I'm sorry for the pain, The one that I caused you.

& you never said you were sorry. But that's okay with me. I hope you didn't mean to hurt me. I just wanna let it be.

Barely fifteen years old. Didn't know what you meant to me. I just wanted to hold you. & I just wanted you to hold me. That's all fine & dandy, when you leave it just at that. We took it way to far away. Something I never can take back.

I finally thought I was doing good. But then I met someone like you. Everyone says the same thing They say I should have just knew. I thought you were what I was looking for. But then you went & you messed up. It wasn't even 'bout what happened. It was the way you tried to play it up.

Moved on & grew older. New life & new friends. Living it up, making memories. Thought I was doing okay again.

But nobody respects, people's wishes nowadays. Thought about your actions. & just went on anyways. & you never said you were sorry. I guess that's not okay with me. I hope you didn't mean to hurt me. But I want to let it be.

& when it's all said & done. Now I'll let it be about you. I can forgive all your mistakes, But I'll never forget the things you do.

& never say that you love me, so that I can still know what to say. & never say that it mattered, so I can still walk away.

& I think your intentions were good. But what does that do for me? Sometimes good isn't good enough. I guess it's time to let it be...

[summerofonenine]

Alone With Me

& I can hardly do right, So I'll just do it all wrong.

It doesn't matter what I've tried with, It was broken all along. & I'll admit..., Don't really know who you are. But I'd rather figure it out than be alone. I'd rather be alone with you. You make the moon shine, in my eyes. You make the sun rise, in my heart. You make ocean waves, in my mind. & you belong, you with me.

[summerofonenine]

The Almost

Just like the rain of a thousand clouds, the gravity pushes me down I'm pummeled to nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing anymore Do you miss me? Do you love me? Do you think of me at all? 

You came out of nowhere, unexpected, unwanted But yet you're here, in my life & mind  & yet you're gone, you're not with me at all I try to forget, but I want to remember & it hurts me either way Every look, every touch, every conversation Pulls me back in Sometimes it's days before I hear from you again Sometimes I feel that you're mad at me But each time you flash that sweet, bright smile I feel everything I've ever felt all over again & here I am again & here you are with me Maybe not completely Maybe not in body But in mind, But for now, for this moment I can almost feel it I can almost feel you You're right here with me In my dreams, you're here with me Where's the line between wants & reality? Where's the line between sane & insanity? Do you love me? Do you miss me? Do you think of me at all? Am I nothing? Am I something to you? Lost in the seas of your deep blue eyes, I'm drowning, I'm drowning, I'm fading away...