A life of anxiety
I have a self-diagnosed anxiety disorder. I know what you're thinking, "This bitch doesn't know what she's talking about! She doesn't know what it's like." Well before you send the hate, I have been studying psychology for two years and have been looking into mental disorders for longer. I know what's wrong with me. Tonight is usually the type of night it kicks in. A warm, quiet night where all I want to do is sleep. I never really know what starts my fit of anxiety, but I can always tell when It's coming on. Laying in bed trying to sleep, then my stomach starts to hurt. I immediately know my anxiety is going to eat at me tonight. Usually I don't have straight up panic attack but on occasion I have them. My stomach, I know, is from hunger. My mind always makes it worst. My mind always makes the worst out of everything. If I have hunger pains, it clearly means I'm dying. That's what my mind tells me. It always tells me the worst of everything. Sometimes I do have a panic attack. My legs tremble and shake. I get dizzy. My heart races. It's frightening. It's frightening because no one else can help me in that time. I don't even know how to help myself. Some things I do when my anxiety kicks in is stay up all night, because there's something that relaxes me if nothing happens by 5-6 o'clock in the morning. I turn on my Netflix on the Wii and watch some cartoon. Or a TV show I'm into at the time. It helps get my mind of the anxiety. Sometimes I play endless video games like minecraft, or I surf tumblr and youtube. Whatever keeps my attention long enough to help me forget my anxiety. No one(not even my friends) usually understand what I'm going through. They don't think it's a real disorder because there's no physical scars. They don't think I'm suffering, they just think I worry too much. That might be true but it's a constant thing. My anxiety comes out during the day too. Sometimes I'm worried I contaminated something with my germs and I have to wash it repeatedly. Calling and checking up on my family often to make sure nothing bad has happened because I had a split second thought that I obsessed over. Getting a stomach ache at work because I'm worried about failing. Feeling nauseous and dizzy because I'm scared something bad has happened or that I'm a bad person for no reason. I've been told by people that my disorder is fake. I'm a drama queen. There's worst things out there in the world....But they don't know what it's like to live in my head. If they were in there for a day, they would understand. People have even said behind my back and said my problems are fake. I used to try and hide my problems but now I am not afraid of them. I am not my anxiety. I am self fixing my anxiety and I'm trying to overcome my disorder.