Need to scream into the void for a minute. Fucked up my lines in my play tonight like major total blank out and Im not good at improvising when this happens so it was just dead fucking hair and me saying stupid shit and my partner saying stupid shit because it then messed him up and it just spiraled out of control but we did get back into eventually but it felt like having a panic attack k live on stage for everyone to see. Thank god that theater only holds 50 people max 😅 which is also more intimidating weirdly for me they are like right up on you on that stage so it’s hard to forget the world around you and disappear into the world of the play.
I haven’t been in a show where I’m the main focus before and there has just been so much pressure. What makes it even more annoying is I had it perfect all week this week in tech not one flub up and was getting better as days went by and was feeling more and more confident with myself and my character. I’ve never fucked up so badly on an opening night before. I don’t know how to let go of this and move on and not obsess on this I don’t want it to fuck up the rest of my shows because I still have weeks to go before closing night. Going to try to do my pre show different tomorrow and hoping having family in the audience will help but man this has royally fucked with my nervous system I just want to throw up and cry all at once.
Everyone was so supportive and encouraging but just none of it helped really. I was just getting beck to the swing of things after taking an 8yr hiatus from theater and acting and my first night I fucked it up. I feel like I’ve let my whole team down including the writer who’s written such an important impactful piece. I just needed this to go well so badly and to have my first night go like this just worries me that the rest of the shows I’ll let it get to my head and mess up again. I just don’t think I’m made to do theater. There just is to much pressure with the live aspect for me. Working on film you can fuck up and it’s not the end of the world. If it’s theater you just wasted that persons money and the magic is lost for them and I hate that.
