#thedecayoftheangel

[thesea-within]

You must never forget for a moment that pure beauty is the enemy of the human race.

Yukio Mishima, The Decay of the Angel

[frolickingfables]

So is the house.

So is the grief.

I am sure no one is waiting.

I am sure this does not require an explanation.

And yet here I am, explaining,

because some things need to be said out loud

at 2 a.m.,

even if only the algorithm hears it.

I was in the middle of starting this,

finding a new place to reside,

finding a new rhythm to reside in,

figuring out what I wanted to make of the future.

Then I stumbled on a magical garden

that looked like something from a fairy tale.

All color and chaos and living things.

Exactly what my partner and I always said we wanted

and thought we were so far from arriving to.

We were waiting to be approved.

I was making plans.

Waiting for a new leaf to turn.

Then out of the blue,

I went to be by someone,

someone I had moved to this state to be closer to,

and watched them leave this realm.

A person I had wanted to bring to this secret garden.

To give them the whimsy and joy

they had given me all this time.

I was approved while they were dying inside their body.

Slow, yet fast.

It was not the announcement it would have been before.

Now I move through a bigger life

with a quieter place in it.

The footage you're seeing isn't mine yet.

I haven't lived there.

It was taken during a showing.

Though I will be there soon,

moving into a house that sits between two lakes,

trying not to feel so dull about something

that should feel like a dream.

I am sad.

A huge loss has happened.

I would trade many future dreams

to give even one more week.

But the logistics are what they are,

so I move through them.

But one day I will bring you into the garden,

in full color,

in HD,

when I am actually living in it,

when I have the words.

I will show you everything.

For now,

this is what it looks like from the outside,

through grief-tinted lenses.

Which is also where I am.

Each day I hope will be a little brighter

as I remember how brightly they burned.

For now,

this is why I'll be away for a while.

Drifting in and out through the haze of it.

Non-committal.

Nonchalant.

Attempting to heal.

to one day start to show you this magic garden

and maybe even the story of how I got here.

For now I leave for you a perfume name,

for I cannot do much more than that.

• The Decay Of The Angel - Timothy Han

[abrasions]

"That too is as it is in each heart." And thus he is taken to a place without memories. #yukiomishima #mishima #theseaoffertility #thedecayoftheangel #reincarnation #japan #japaneseliterature #kiyoaki #honda