Desperate for Clarity
From "The Five Sexes" by Anne Fausto-Sterling: "The answers lie in the cultural need to maintain clear distinctions between the sexes. Society mandates the control of intersexual bodies because they blur and bridge the great divide."
It always surprises me how dissimilar I am from the general population, particularly in the areas I judge society most. This is more personal for me, I have had an interesting year of trying to define my sexuality. I prayed many nights for an understanding of whether I was in fact gay, or straight. I wanted clarity - and possibly less uncertainty. My fear of the unknown is great - and being single, I wanted to narrow the options so I felt less overwhelmed by the prospect of a relationship. I have lived most of my life as "straight", leaving me significantly unsatisfied and severely abused. My relationships with women are wonderful, and yet I'm not sure I am as sexually satisfied at the end of the day without a penis in my life. I have even been toying with the idea of an open relationship - although that would require serious self security that I do not yet have.
I still don't know what the answer is for me - and you know what, the greatest amount of growth through this process of finding myself is being okay being in this place of uncertainty. I accept who I am today - even if part of being me means not knowing what I want. Years and years of just going what I was told - or rebelling (which is the opposite of doing what I am told, and therefore I am equally as controlled) have caused me to be sharply affected in the area of making healthy decisions for myself. Today, I have the freedom to choose - even if it means society will condemn me for my choices.
I would go even further now, and say that there is power in being uncertain. When things are uncertain, the possibilities are endless. Isn't that what freedom really means anyways?