It's out there, momma. I just gotta go see it.
Joanna looked up at the air above her, at the dark grey swirls spinning against the black sky, and remembered the day Hoban told her he was leaving. She didn't understand. She still didn't understand. What could possibly be out there for him that wasn't right here, safe with her? It was Thomas, his friend from the neighborhood. His family moved to Verbena from Beaumonde when times got tough, and soon as he set foot on their soil he'd started raving about how he couldn't see the stars. Joanna was born and raised on Verbena without stars, and she'd survived just fine, and so had her family. But once Hoban heard Thomas's raving, it's all that was ever on his mind. He'd walk for four miles to get to Thomas's house just to hear more about 'em, (when he coulda been helping out on the farm), and he'd stay till she sent wave that it was gettin' too late. She should have known that it wouldn't end there, but she put it out of her mind, for what else could she do? But you can't run from these things forever. And there stood her youngest son, her baby boy, at sixteen, telling her he'd just enlisted in flight school.
"It's out there momma, I just gotta go see it." He said as he looked up at the sky.
"See what, baby? You ain't never left the county, how can you know what's out there?"
"I don't! And that's why I gotta find out. I just... I'm not like you and Dad, I'm not like Jamie and Kian, I.... I need to see that there's something more than cows and dust."
"But what if it's not what you dreamed of? What if there's nothing better than what's right here at home, with your family?"
"I don't know. But I can't live my life not knowing if I made the right choice. If it is bad out there, I can come home and know that this is the place for me. But if I stay here... I can't live always wondering."
"What if you don't come home at all?"
"Well that's just a chance I'm willing to take."
And those were the words that broke her heart. And those were the words she thought of now as she stared up at the black. Stared up at the space where it happened. Was it worth it? If he could see that this was his future, would he have left her like this? Suddenly her knees, old and worn, began to buckle underneath her, and she felt Liam come up beside her and support her as she slowly sank to the ground, covering her face as she wept. The tears came in waves, every time she thought it was over, a new memory started again. Her husband held her and she laid her head on his shoulder, his arms around her. Her baby had the most beautiful smile, it lit up her world. He sent her waves whenever he could, and seeing it on that screen was what made her life worth living. She was never going to see him on that screen again, and she would be able to hold him in her arms.
"Zoe's still in the kitchen, I told her not to leave just yet. I think you should talk to her again," Liam told her.
She didn't want to see her. She placed a freckled hand on her husband's shoulder and slowly stood up. "Tell her she can go now. I've got some work to be done with the horses, I need to finish it before I can go to bed." He hesitated, then slowly walked back up the porch steps and stepped back inside the house, leaving her alone again.
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Zoe hadn't moved in a very long time. Her intentions had been to leave hours ago, leave with her head held high, rejection nowhere in posture or soul. But then duty had kicked in halfway back to the shuttle. Zoe had a responsibility to carry this out long as she could, tell Liam, mourn with them. And if not with them, at least beside them. Zoe owed them that much, owed him that much. So she'd done an about face, eventually settling into the living room where she'd remained until that moment. Hours had gone by in that house, the homely little space she'd only ever shared with Wash. Every memory of this room -- hell this planet -- was marked exclusively by his ghost. Selfish son of a bitch.
Liam approached with hesitation and Zoe didn't even bother to ask why. She wasn't welcome. She'd figured that about the same time she figured it didn't matter none. Maybe the only link between herself and this old couple had been snipped away, but she still carried their name. And carried their blood inside of her. The old man's sunken eyes met her own and he opened his mouth as if to speak. Zoe didn't need to hear it. Still had some pride enough left.
Standing up, Zoe let her eyes glance towards the hallway. Through it and probably out in the back porch was the other Mrs. Washburne. There was a sigh built up in Zoe's chest she wouldn't let free. "I'll be goin' soon, don't worry. Know I ain't your honored guest." The words came out harsher that she'd meant. Liam was being more kind about the whole thing than she'd expected. "I was only meanin', wouldn't blame you for wantin' me outta your hair time like now." Zoe tried to ignore the similarities in the old, weathered face to that of another. Maybe if things had turned out different, decades from now, Wash would've become Liam. If he'd been given the chance. If Zoe hadn't kept him trapped on Serenity.
Everything about this place and these people seemed so foreign in this moment. This was a home she'd never lived in, a family she'd never been a part of. Not really. She and Wash had shared their own life, their own space. Created something of their own. So no matter what holes she'd burrowed into this house, Zoe knew there was no place for her here. She stood out. Leather and war and blood. She was a stain, not much more. "Just gonna say goodbye to Joanna, then I'll be gone. And you never have to see me again, if you don't want." Liam frowned, the beginning of an interjection bubbling up in his feature, but Zoe just walked past him, to where Wash's mother was grieving.
The woman stood outside, looking at where the stars should've be. Zoe came to stand quietly behind her, not saying anything. Not right away. The two women just stood there, not together, but not apart neither. Zoe wondered if Joanna even knew she was there. The woman gave no indication, no sign of welcome, no sign of resent. And in that odd green of thid starless world, t struck Zoe that she knew exactly what she wanted to say. "I've lived up there most of my life. Seen plenty 'a stars, let me tell you," the soft calm in Zoe's voice mixed in the with chemically altered breeze. "But he shined brighter than all them combined."
