Chapter 11: The Last Letter
Holy God. What was that wave? I’d wanted to leave quickly, the proximity to her had started to make me feel befuddled. Not a single iota of what my body or mind was doing made sense to me when I was near her. I was simply a man, helpless to her gravitational pull, with no earthy way for my feet to find the ground.
Once I was back in my apartment, I fell onto my couch, surrounded by many, many pieces of paper, everything Claire had sent me was strewn about the place. I wanted to push through, finish reading it all before morning.
I was still clutching the last envelope, but before I ventured to read it I needed coffee. As the magical, life giving fluid dripped from the coffee machine, I thought about everything I’d learned about Claire so far, her attention to detail was astounding, I considered her honesty remarkably brave. She had no way to know how I would feel about her candour, but she’d written it anyway.
The envelope had my address penned on it in her neat scrawl, and on the reverse side it said ‘The Last One.
I opened it, and a smaller envelope fell out ‘For you to read when you’ve finished everything else.’
I had no warning, no knowledge of how difficult this excerpt would be. She wrote of our moment at her parents home, how she wanted to re-connect with me; but didn’t know how to after running away. She explained spending the following two weeks plagued by nightmares of how her parents had died.
I had a lump in my throat that increased in size as I read about her trip to Glasgow. My hand shook as she recounted the day she had the abortion, the paper gown she wore, the white walls of the tiny medical room. I felt guilt and shame that she had been there on her own, but I acknowledged that she saw my previous offer to help her as I an assumption that she would keep the baby, she felt she had no other choice but to keep me uninvolved.
My heart was sore, and I wasn’t sure I could read anymore. I felt as though her words were testing me, daring me to cut her out with her brutal truths. She wanted to know if I could handle it.
‘I laid on my back in the uncomfortable gown, legs in stirrups, staring at the ceiling until the doctor entered the room. I closed my eyes, and held Jamie’s hand in spirit. I felt a strange pressure as the baby was removed, and nothing I thought of could stem the tears now flowing down my face, when it was over I had a feeling of being so empty that I was weightless. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be me again.’
At this I cried out. I couldn’t handle it. I stood up, but felt weak at the knees, and fell to the ground instead.
I needed to calm the roaring and wounded beast within. So I started to say a blessing I’d recited when my mother died.
‘Deep peace of the running wave to you,
Deep peace of the flowing air to you,
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you,
Deep peace of the shining stars to you,
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.
May the road rise to meet you;
May the wind be always at your back;
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
May the rains fall softly upon your fields.
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.’
I breathed in a steady rhythm, feeling better as I focused my energy on slowing my heart rate.
I was eventually collected enough to read her last note. After reading it half way, I realised I didn’t need to read further.
She needed me, and I needed her.
But the truth was, we had work to do, and who knows where it could go. We had so much to learn about each other, granted I knew a lot more about her now; I knew her past at least. But I wanted to know her future, to be a part of it, I just wasn’t sure in what capacity.
My caffeine buzz and a burst of adrenaline propelled me off the ground. I knew where I had to be, and without considering the time, I re-traced my steps.
It was raining, the frigidly cold drops saturated me almost instantly, but I didn’t care. I ran across the street, and started ascending the stairs of Claire’s apartment building, my shoes making a squelching sound with each step I took. I knocked loudly on the door and waited. I ignored the discomfort I was feeling due to my soaked clothing, and focussed on willing Claire to the door.
She didn’t yell out this time, but I heard her coming towards the door before finally opening it.
When she saw me no words passed between us, she simply jumped into my arms without a care about my wet form.
I couldn’t feel her tears, but I knew she was crying, she shook ever so slightly now and again.
We came apart, both of us shivering.
“Come in, I’ll put your clothes in the dryer and you can have a shower.” She led me to her bathroom and handed me a fresh towel. “Throw your clothes out to me.”
I shut the bathroom door behind me, undressed hurriedly and opened the door a fraction to give my clothes to her.
Her bathroom was a treasure trove holding every feminine product known to mankind. Everything smelled so good, floral and probably likely to attract cute woodland creatures.
When I’d finished my shower, I wrapped the towel around my waist and went in search of Claire. I found her in the kitchen, she’d changed into tight fitting cotton pyjamas and had on a regal looking robe, she was busying herself making tea.
The quiet prevailed for a while longer.
“Thank ye Sa-, Claire, for writing to me. I didna realise what an undertaking it would be to read the whole thing in a night, I ken it must have been hard for ye.”
“It was.” She breathed the words. “But I fucked up, and I thought it might help you forgive me a little.”
“I’d forgiven ye before I even read anything ye wrote.”
Smiling and passing me a mug of tea she said, “You have no idea how good it is to hear that.” She stepped towards me, and I stiffened without meaning to. Clearly taking this as my rejecting her, she halted and looked away. “But I understand that we need time, and that you have to be able to trust me again.”
I reached down to cup her chin, directing her face so that she was looking up at me. I placed a gentle kiss on her nose. “I’m sorry mo nighean donn. I didna mean to; I dinna know how to do this starting over thing, when what I desperately want is to go back to where we were before I bought the house.”
“It’s ok Jamie.” She whispered.
I couldn’t hold back. I pressed my lips to hers, I felt her sigh. None of the electricity had disappeared, my desire for her was more desperate than it had been before.
She opened her mouth in wanting, as I kissed the nape of her neck and muttered between kisses “I have to tell you something Claire.”
“Mmmmm, what is it Jamie?” Her hands were now around my neck.
I stopped my barrage of kisses, and lifted her off her feet to wrap her legs around me. “I think I’m in love with you.”
She looked stunned by my admission, I worried that perhaps I’d blurted that out a little too soon, her face deadpan she said “I guess it’s good that I know I’m in love with you then.”
This woman had never been more appealing to me than she was right now, I carried her to the couch, keeping her in my lap we kissed like teenagers, clothes were being tugged at, skin was fire, and breathing was ragged.
At some point things slowed, we were both exhausted. Somehow self control had prevailed; her clothes and my towel remained in tact. I laid down on the couch and she nestled in on top of me. I whispered Gaelic words to her, and fell asleep patting her hair.
I opened my eyes to sunlight streaming in the window, unfortunately it wasn’t sunlight of the early morning kind, which meant I’d no doubt missed my 9:30 meeting, and was probably likely to miss my 10:30 meeting too. Claire was still sleeping in the crook of my arm. She stirred when I kissed her head.
“Claire, I think we’re late. As in I think it’s almost midday kind of late.”
I could hear groaning somewhere beneath her hair. “It’s lucky that I don’t have my first client until 1pm then, why do you think I didn’t have an alarm set?”
“I should probably have brought my phone, or my iPad, or something that would help me get up in time.” At this I started absentmindedly looking around for my watch.
“Lucky for some; they have people working for them, I guess it’s good to be a construction mogul sometimes.”
I chuckled, if only she knew how useless my assistant could be if she didn’t have very specific directions. “I’ve got to make a call to Murtagh, can I borrow yer phone?”
She pointed to the direction of her phone, “It’s somewhere over there, can you tell me what the time is?”
It wasn’t until I got up that I realised how cold it was, I wrapped the trusty towel around myself. “It’s 10:45 Sa-, Claire. Just give me a minute, I’m just going to make this call.”
She forced herself up, I hoped that she was heading to the dryer to get my clothes.
I rang Murtagh twice before he finally answered.
“Jamie! Where are ye? I’ve been callin’ ye all morning!” He was yelling down the phone, almost deafening me.
“Relax, I’m fine, I’m with Claire. I was calling to check that ye made it to the meetings this morning, will ye apologise for me?”
“I’m at a meeting right now, I’ve already made yer excuses. Don’t rush in laddie, we’ll speak soon.” Murtagh hung up.
I turned around to find my clothes in a neat pile on the kitchen counter.
I could hear Claire shuffling about in what I assumed was her room, I stayed at the door not wanting to intrude.
“You can come in Jamie.” I hadn’t expected her to be naked. I drew a sharp intake of breath. All of those moments I’d been away from her picturing her beautiful naked form, here she was. Her milky skin looked almost transparent in the sunlight, her slender frame made her pulse points obvious, and without touching her I could knew the pattern of their beat. She didn’t meet my gaze as I entered the room, but I knew her whiskey eyes would be gleaming with their hidden gold flecks. She was majestic in every sense of the word, seeing her like this made me want to bend the knee and swear enslavement to her forever despite all that had happened between us.
“Ye are beautiful.” I whispered as I approached her. “Can I touch ye Claire?”
Her body gave me all the response I needed. She melted into me, kissing me deeply, every thrust of her tongue sent me further over the edge. I ran my fingers gently over her supple breasts. I needed her warmth, to reacquaint myself with it, but I knew where it was going, and we weren’t ready to tackle that hurdle yet, that much I knew. I forced myself to pull away.
“Claire, I canna, not yet. Let’s take it slowly, get to know each other.” I felt guilty for sending such mixed messages. I watched her face carefully, to be sure that I caught whatever emotion crossed it, but whatever it was; it didn’t betray her.
She untangled herself from me. “I’m going to take a shower now Jamie, join me if you’d like.” I couldn’t be certain, but I felt as though she was trying to show me her ability to be patient, to give me space. I was grateful for it.
“Ye shower, I’ll cook something for breakfast.” I paused, unsure whether or not to say the next words. I uttered them in such a small voice I wasn’t sure she would hear, “Tha thu nam banrigh.”
She smiled. “Should I know what that means?”
“No Sa-, Claire, but one day ye will. And ye’ll understand why I say them to ye.”
“I think I can live with that Jamie Fraser.”
