#thelottiebaker

[miller-chris]

[TEXT] Chris ⇄ Lottie

Chris: [unsent] I hate how I miss you so much

Chris: When am I gonna see you next huh

[miller-chris]

Chris could no longer hide his contempt for the hospital after spending a night in one, and after several unsuccessful attempts to get his mom to pull strings and discharge him early, the hospital finally decided he was ready to go home. He had been more than excited to leave, looking forward to being in his own environment, taking a shower in his own bathroom, sleeping in his own bed, and seeing his dog most of all. He had been gone for what felt like years, and already, he was itching to regain some normalcy despite the fresh row of stitches running down his side and the cane they had given him when they saw him visibly struggle to walk. Although he wasn’t allowed to work for the next couple weeks, Chris figured he could at least do more at home than he could while anchored to a hospital bed. 

Still, there were things to get used to, the most obvious being the constant pain he felt whenever he took a step, and he could feel Lottie watching him carefully as he took the stairs slowly, one step at a time. He did his best to hide his pain, suppress whatever desire he felt to wince from the sharp sensation that ran down his side or how labored his breathing became just to conquer a set of stairs he had taken daily. Even breathing had hurt him. She had insisted they take the elevator, but stubbornly, he wanted to test his limits, only to be disappointed in seeing that his limits were even more pathetic than he thought. He couldn’t even carry a majority of his things anymore, only getting by with a grocery bag while Lottie had his duffel of clothes slung over her shoulder, get well cards and gifts from his colleagues, and a bag of food his mom had sent over while he recovered.

His disappointment was soon forgotten when he left them both into his apartment and out came Cook, bounding towards the both of them. Chris’s face lit up as he saw his dog happily wagging his tail and coming to greet them. Chris dropped the bag of food on the floor, and as he tried to lean over, he let out a strained groan, only able to move slowly without hurting himself any more. He sighed then as his fingers scratched behind Cook’s ears before he moved to greet Lottie and clearly became more interested in the food she was carrying. Chris hung his keys on the ring by the door, and he grabbed the bag and moved towards the kitchen to set everything on the countertops. 

He came back to Lottie then and held out his hand for his duffel bag. “Here. Please let me help you,” he insisted, “I know you keep telling me no, but come on. I’m capable of bringing a bag to my room.”

@thelottiebaker​

[miller-chris]

The last time he had seen Lottie in person had left a sour taste in his mouth. The entire car ride back was spent in an anxious whirlwind, one that only she could talk him out of later in the evening when they had had their phone call. Although he managed to not really delve into the depth of his feelings, he was content to not flesh out the full capacity of his insecurities in fear of what she would say and, even worse, what she would do. He couldn’t stand the idea of her abandoning her family in favor for him of all people, not when family meant so much to him in the first place. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to entirely abandon his mom and didn’t even bother to play with the idea, even if her family was so vastly different from his.

Instead, he managed to bury the whole incident, sweeping his feelings back under the rug, which was easy once Lottie had found the time to come by his apartment, armed with an arsenal of Christmas ornaments and decorations for his apartment. He watched her quietly for a moment, leaning against the kitchen counter as he watched her work on wrapping tinsel around the tree he had picked out before she came over to his apartment. Although he had wished she came with him earlier, they both agreed that even sneaking out to Bellevue was risky with her father’s newfound suspicions against her. He felt lucky that she could come over at all, rather having lost a few hours with her than to lose their relationship entirely.

With two cups of hot chocolate in hand, he approached her once she stepped back to admire her handy work, and he handed off her mug before his eyes trained on what she had been working on for the past fifteen minutes. “It looks good, babe,” he said, entirely unsure what “good” really was but entirely sure that if he had done it himself, it wouldn’t have come close to meeting her standards. He took a sip of his drink before he set down his mug, and he knelt down to dig through the bags she brought over, looking through the assortment of ornaments. 

For a moment, he wondered if her dad had access to her purchases and would have noticed the odd bill for a full set of Christmas ornaments, but given their latest conversation, it was a topic he wasn’t willing to bring up. Instead, he settled and asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?” He glanced back up to his girlfriend, a hand reaching out to grab hers. 

@thelottiebaker​

[miller-chris]

Chris hadn’t seen Lottie in what felt like years. Truthfully, he hadn’t seen her for any longer than a week since she had last spent the night, but that still had felt too long for him to be away from her. He wasn’t sure when this itch to be in her presence had evolved into such a need, a need that was compounded by nine months of dating her in secret. Admittedly, they both had become more and more reckless the longer they were together. It wasn’t hard for Leo to catch them at the Harvest Festival not moments after Lottie had caved and told Emily about them. They started to pull riskier and riskier moves, going to the grocery store in Bellevue together, taking a weekend trip away to Vancouver, and now this.

Chris knew that she was busy for the day, forced to attend a photo opportunity for her father as he held a fundraiser for some under-funded cancer research for the children. He wasn’t hired as the security detail this time and thus had no excuse to be there, but he felt the desire to come and surprise her if only for a quick moment. He did his best to coax information about the fundraiser out of her without raising any suspicion, and as he did so, he couldn’t help but notice her text messages becoming more sparse, her responses coming far and few between, which made him reminiscent of when they first got together and only made his desire to come see her even stronger. 

He knew it was a bad idea as he pulled up to the event, noting that everyone was dressed to the nines while he as clad in what he had quickly changed into after work: a T-shirt, jeans, and a winter jacket. He knew he’d stick out like a sore thumb if he waltzed inside, so he slowly and carefully made his way to the rear of the building, finding a spot that no one would have bothered to check or go to. He knew most people’s attention would be on the children after all, feeling completely comfortable sneaking around. It didn’t take long for him to spot her and her golden hair, her back turned to the window as she happily chatted away with another attendee. He squinted his eyes, doing his best to try and make out whether the conversation was anything more than the small talk she was often forced into, and when he saw the other person beginning to leave, Chris took the opportunity to pick up a nearby pebble and toss it against the window, hoping the sudden noise would catch her attention and her attention only.

@thelottiebaker​

[miller-chris]

Their night out had been a dream. Whatever disappointment he held about Lottie not being present during his birthday had been made up for as soon as they had arrived in Vancouver, but being able to go to dinner with her and explore the city like a normal couple was something he didn’t know he needed until he got it. It was liberating to be able to sit in a restaurant and hold her hand without worrying who would see them. As far as everyone could tell, they were just another couple out on a date who could hardly keep their hands off of each other, and he didn’t care who knew. He didn’t realize how much he missed going on dates until now.  

After dinner, they made their way downtown to explore the nightlife, travelling from bar to bar. They both did their best to prolong their time together, but as the night progressed, both were becoming more and more tired from hours of walking, dancing, and drinking. Before long, it was well past two in the morning, and the two stumbled out of the last bar, laughing and giggling to themselves and completely in their own bubble. He grabbed her by the hand, their fingers intertwining as he pulled her into him, and he pressed a kiss to her head. 

“C’mere, baby girl,” he cooed, “I just wanted to say thank you.” 

@thelottiebaker​

[miller-chris]

His birthday had proven to be more rocky than enjoyable. He couldn’t recall the last time he had gotten so wasted, feeling embarrassed that he somehow managed to lose Leo and call Lottie in a drunken stupor. He hadn’t even remembered calling her until he found a slew of messages the next morning, spending the rest of the day trying to piece together if he had said anything stupid or destructive to their relationship and afraid of the kind of talk that would ensue if he did say something stupid or destructive. Luckily, from what Lottie told him, it was all a drunken babble, and somehow, the phone call didn’t make her love him any less, which he felt he had lucked out on.

He felt even luckier when she surprised him with a weekend trip to Vancouver, away from their lives in Seattle. In Canada, they could be anybody they wanted to. Lottie could forget that she was the daughter of an uptight senator while Chris could forget that he was just some low-life, city cop, and that was incredibly easy as he slept comfortably on the memory foam mattress inside the Baker family vacation condo. He had spent the night prior gawking at every room, exploring every square foot of the condo that occupied an entire floor of their building, and he would have spent the night properly inspecting everything had Lottie not drawn his attention away, the two of them finding the bed soon after their arrival. 

The next morning, he woke up slowly, making the most of not having to answer to any alarm or obligation, and when he felt like he couldn’t sleep any more, he rolled over onto his side to find Lottie, her back facing him as she slept soundly--or at least, he assumed she was still asleep. He watched her for a moment, listening to her breathing as his eyes took in the sight of her tousled blonde hair and exposed shoulders with the duvet pulled over her. He reached out slowly and carefully, afraid to wake her up but not really caring if he did disturb her sleep. His thumb brushed over her skin, his palm running down along her back, before he leaned over to press a kiss at the base of her neck, trailing his lips down her back as his arm came around her. 

“Baby, it’s ten A.M.,” he murmured, pulling her back against him with his arm and nuzzling his nose against her skin, “We’ve been asleep for so long.”

@thelottiebaker​

[miller-chris]

Chris chewed on his food, eyes roaming over Lottie’s features as she detailed her evening with her family. He had ordered them a couple of burritos from Sol Cocina, knowing that she was likely going to need a pick-me-up after whatever formal event she was forced to attend. This had become one of their favorite rituals: sitting in his living room, drinking a beer, and eating some delicious food ordered in while they caught each other up on their respective days. Still clad in her fancy dress, he watched her chew through her food and began detailing whatever crazy thing her father had said that night, and he listened dutifully, more than happy to sit and let her vent. 

With her legs thrown over his lap, the pair sat on the sofa, and he took his last bite of his burrito, crumbled up the wrapping, and tossed it onto the coffee table, chewing through his food before he answered. “You know, babe, if it means anything to you, at least he didn’t try to set you up with anyone tonight, like he has during all those other events he made you go to,” he said, leaning back against his couch and resting his arm on the back of it, “I personally take that as a win.”

@thelottiebaker​

[miller-chris]

❝ It’s okay - I can do this on my own!❞

The way she looked at him made him feel sick. This wasn’t how he wanted the conversation to go, but he wasn’t sure what he expected in the first place. He had chosen his words poorly and had misrepresented his fears for abandonment, and it was clear to him that that was exactly what she saw him as: a quitter. But he didn’t want to give up on her, on them, or even their baby. He was scared shitless at the prospect of becoming a father, viewing the responsibility of raising a child and affecting them with his every action and inaction as a burden. He couldn’t bear the thought of failing his child in any capacity with his imperfections, and he felt that he didn’t possess the wisdom to be a good parent. He had seen how difficult it was for his mom and didn’t know how he would ever be half as strong or as brave as she was.

“I’m sorry, Lottie. I just don’t know if I can be a father,” he said, his voice pleading as his eyes scanned over her features. He could see how hurt she was, her eyes glossing over as she fought back tears, and he could feel his stomach twist, feeling absolutely revolted at himself for putting her through this. “I just–I don’t know,” he continued, struggling to form a coherent thought as his own emotions began to cloud him. He felt tears start to well up at the very thought of losing her, and his gaze shot to the ceiling, doing his best to fight back his fears and feeling completely vulnerable. “I can’t–”

It’s okay–I can do this on my own!

His gaze diverted back to Lottie, watching her begin to pack up her things and leave, and instinctually, he shot up from the sofa to cross over to her, his hands reaching out to grab her arm and stop her from leaving their conversation. That was the last response he wanted. His heart felt like it was shattering as she avoided looking at him, her head turned away while her shoulders shook, and he realized she was crying, fighting to hold back her silent sobs. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest, holding her for a moment and swallowing thickly. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” he pleaded, “Just don’t go. Please stay. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Don’t go.”