This is a somewhat emotional post, because reminiscing at 4am
This post is all because I was scrolling through my tag, and it's probably going to be a lot more lame compared to what it is in my head.
Life was good. There were problems, but life was good because there were people you were friends with that could relate, or comfort you, or make you laugh hard enough to forget your problems.
But things changed. Because that's what happens with time, things always change.
I didn't get on as much anymore. Because of school. Because of personal life, things to do. Because I wasn't like Katy, who uses her blog as a conscious streaming of thoughts, who always talks about her trials and tribulations. Because that wasn't me. Because it was hard to talk and much easier to bury my problems and try to forget about them. So when I went on, all my blog became was a bunch of pretty pictures. There was something that changed. My personal posts were less personal. My absences from tumblr, once greeted with cries of questioning of if I had dropped off the face of the planet, were now ignored, as were my posts that accompanied my returns. And it was my own fault. I went away on my own discord, and when I came back, there seemed to be less and less of me, the me that was who I was when I first created my blog. And because of that, I became disconnected. I wasn't as important to people that I was before. I wasn't paid as much attention. And most of all, I was no longer the best friend of my best friend. This hurt the most. [Even though I had seen this coming, it hurt. Ever since she pulled the April Fool's joke about moving, I knew something had changed in our friendship, but nothing I could do could change it.] I tried to do whatever I could to be close to her again, to flow back into my old spot. But I couldn't, because that spot didn't exist before. Her life had changed, there were new friends, better people to talk to, people who understood her better or whom she trusted more. I fought. I became that guy who tries to walk up to a group of people laughing at a joke and laugh as if he was there for the punchline but fails awkwardly. Nevertheless, I clung on. Katy, when you wrote that anonymous letter telling me that I wasn't your best friend anymore, it hurt. I felt like someone just ripped a big hole in me. At first, I refused to believe it. I was on the verge of tears and in a path of destructive self-hate. It was all my fault and there was nothing I could do about it. I moved on, but with even greater distancing than I had before. In the future, any interaction I had with people I was close with on tumblr was more detached. Like I wasn't a part of tumblr, I was just an outsider who was answering asks, replying to posts, laughing at jokes.
And that's sort of where I am now. Now I'm in college. I'm not the same person I was when I first jumped into the great big pool of tumblr. Getting back into my blog just isn't the same. It's just a bunch of pretty pictures, a bunch of pretty people. I've grown up, and that's what seems to have changed things.
[Those last couple hundred words or so were definitely a little more in-depth and dark than I had planned, I sort of ranted and didn't stop.]
But as I was looking back through my tag, I found all these old conversations. The jokes. The flirts. The good times. And it made me sad because..... I miss it. I've grown up, and like I said, time changes things. For better or for worse, it happens.
Sigh. I'm sad, because those were better times.
If you've read through to this point, I give you major kudos. Me rambling isn't the best read. And for those of you tagged, you were the ones I found I had talked to the most, made friends with, truly liked. Hell, I don't even know if all you guys will see this, or how long it will take you.
I'll just stop here because I'm always terrible at conclusions.
Holy shit this is twelve fucking thousand words (exactly). I should put this much effort into my homework.
