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It was in the moment that you couldn't meet my eyes that I knew you were gone. At least in the madness you bore your ocean eyes into my evergreens and swore we would make it through this together. But I looked at a stranger with the face of my lover and it hit me- I never knew you at all.
Here all this time I thought I knew you best. I guess I was wrong.
I use to be a shell. Because I let him hide me and smother the flame that resided in my soul. I should have known better than to think you was the oxygen in my lungs and the blood in my veins. I’ve breathed fresher air, tasted better lips, and smoked better cigarettes since then. I’m more free now with my hair cut short and my soul on fire. I’m destructive, fierce and ferocious. I can’t get enough of this raw intensity that now flows through my body. - you always called me your angel but sweetheart, I’ve ripped out my wings
I picked up a few bad habits when you chose her. And among them one that I kept just for a tie to you, cigarettes. My addiction to them started more as an addiction to the first time you got me to smoke one, the way it made everything so calm, and for once in months everything felt okay. Talking to you in your truck and smoking a cigarette was the addiction I was missing. My god I was like a crack addict chasing their first high and I craved it. But not nearly as much as I craved you.
There was nothing more crippling than realizing that my ragged beating heart had emptied itself of all the love it could manage, the contents spilled everywhere on a stupid blue eyed boy -on you
Yet it did and the tragic part is I’d do it again.
You made my heart throb to it's core. The rush that came brought my soul to it's knees. I don't know if it was the thought of your sea blue eyes seeing me after all this time Or the fact that I wanted to see into them just one more time. But I do know, if a simple text from you after all this time still hits me in places that layed dormant since you left.... Then I'm in trouble.
These thoughts of you have seemed to nestled back into my rattling bones.
Lately I've allowed small things from the past trigger my thoughts to you. Like the sound of a phone ring when I'd remember how you use to call just to hear my voice. Or a knock on the door because you missed looking into my green eyes. For months I was pulling myself together from from the rips you made in me when you left. There's stitches in my soul and now your shredding them and I'm holding my arms out begging for your love like a fool for any kind of piece of you.
Me
I realize now it wasn't ever me. It was you. You was the monster. You manipulated me so much I lost who I was altogether. I hate you. And I never knew what it would be like to feel this much emotion for a person that made me once feel safe. The last time I saw you still burns in my mind. As along with the anxiety. The first chance away, I bolted. Running to the Blue Durango as fast as I could. I'm sure you sensed it to. Even though we were once something beautiful, now we're a twisted ending that came into view.
Me
My mother told me the story about how I was born. My father left her for his first love the night she found out about me. She kept me a secret and told him she aborted me. All alone she was going to raise me. Yet by a twist of fate he found out and he forced his way into her heart again. All my life I hated this man but she always flew to his defense. It wasn’t until you broke my heart and left me for her that I realized my mothers pain. I flew to your defense every single day that I carried that graceful little angel inside me. But by God’s fate there wasn’t to be a tie to us and God steered me down a different path. Far, far away from you. I'm quite grateful actually, that God saved another innocent soul from a life of destruction.
Thinking about it now, you remind me a lot like my father.
