#thenarratorspeaks

[thereluctantnarrator]

Yeah… No.

[thereluctantnarrator]

Orange Tangent

{It is the final evening of Our Fellow's true Narrator status spell. He heaves a sigh and gets up from His desk chair. He composes His thoughts and speaks aloud.}

Hold for a moment, spirits. I have one last passage I'd like to read...

{He clears His throat and folds His hands solemnly, then musters all His narrative power and speaks in a ringing, melodious voice.}

The Narrator (Also known as Oliver Wheaton) was going about His business as usual when a strange feeling overcame Him. A sudden, queer but powerful compulsion, an urge, an itch so strong that His very arms shook made Him stop. 

What was this wild, gnawing feeling? What was this burning, searing desire?! For a moment, He simply couldn't fathom it, but then He glanced to the side and spotted a strip of flypaper left out on one of the desks.

Why it was left there was anyone's guess, as there were no flies to speak of in the office, but this sticky sheet was exactly what Oliver needed. It was exactly what His deep dark desire craved.  He snatched it up, beaming; "Fortune has smiled upon me today!" He called gayly to anyone within earshot.

Wasting no time, He lifted the flypaper to His forehead and applied it evenly to His brow. Then, trembling with anticipation and glee, He slowly reached His shaking hands up and took ahold of the end of the flypaper and gave a sharp tug. He tore away the strip of paper, and with it, much of His thick, loathsome eyebrows. Most of them. Patches. Oh well. Now, now He was free! His desire quenched! His urge fulfilled.

But He had little time to bask in His grand accomplishment, for He began to feel rather unwell. A gurgling began in the pit of His stomach, accompanied by a faint, indistinct sound just on the edge of hearing. His nausea grew by the minute, building and building in His great, enormous digestive tract, swelling along with the strange sound that became more and more recognizable as it increased in volume.

Finally, Oliver simply could not stand it any longer. With a great gurgling roar He opened His mouth and began to vomit copious amounts of Orange Tang mixture (the powder, to be precise, without the liquid element).

He practically fountained the stuff into the air, and with this great eruption of tang came the sound, the wondrous, glorious sound of one thousand air-horns in orchestral arrangement playing Beethoven's Ode to Joy. 

It burst into the air, this unholy, divine mixture of crude wind instruments and cheap, citrus-flavoured drink mix, bringing great joy to the hearts of every employee. Even Oliver Himself felt a single tear trickle down His cheek at the incredible phenomenon issuing from His esophagus. 

It lasted for the duration of the piece, and when the air horns finally honked their last, Oliver fell to His knees, eyes skyward, arms outstretched, tang settling around Him like vibrant orange snow.

He found Himself unable to move with the sheer emotional power of the experience. For eight hours.

Truly, it was an event that He would never, ever, not in a million, billion years, forget.

{Our Fellow bows His head, steps down from the table, and allows the magical anonymous to reclaim its gift. He feels drained, but momentarily, truly content.}

Thank you.

[sassykassandra]

I have a new headcanon for The Narrator.

He can't read peoples minds if he's not looking directly at their faces, or even be able to tell what emotion they're experiencing. So if they're frightened but hiding their face, he wouldn't be able to know or even deduce that they're frightened.

So if someone covers their face, he can't tell what emotion they're feeling at ALL, even if the tone of their voice and body language reflected that emotion.  He would have to run through a check list to be able to guess what emotion they're feeling.

For lannell though, he sees a black hole where her face should be.

[desk-of-employee432]

Postcards from the outside: Narrator-

Here's a picture of me

eating a burrito.

That is all.

-there is a pic of Jim eating a burrito outside. He's even got Burrito stain on it.-

-Jim

ps. Here's some hair that fell off of my head

[quackerthecrackerthegayest-deac]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

[thereluctantnarrator]

{Eli flickers violently and rounds on the narrator, many eyes popping}

WHOS THER E

{he twitches, face momentarily flickering into two upon catching sight of the Narrator. He crackles with energy}

D    DAD??!!

[sassykassandra]

[employee210]

There is a voice in your head. You must be insane.

Marlise looked up and rubbed her eyes. One of the Narrators apparently wanted to speak with (read: bother) her again. Although this Narrator shared the same voice, the same accent with all the other male Narrators, this one sounded just a little too—off.

What the Narrator had said to Marlise did indeed frighten her, but only for a brief moment. She’d been down that road before with another Narrator and she most certainly wasn’t going to go down it again.

“Hello.” She was silent with her greeting.