It has been so long since I started writing these journal things I can’t believe I am only on number 20.
Anyways today’s topic is sort of relationships and flirting and I don’t even know what.
So I came out to recently. Well, mostly. I haven’t told any of my family except for my brother but as far as everyone else goes I give no fucks anymore. I told all of my friends and told them that I don’t really care about anyone at school knowing. I’m not sure how many of my classmates/teachers know at this point but the point I’m trying to make is that I’m not hiding it. Sometimes I wish I had like come out at said it to everyone like on snap or twitter or something idk. It feels a little awkward sometimes and fills me full of outrageous nerves when I am talking about it with one of my friends and someone else is near. I’m so not used to talking about it in public yet.
Basically I hate the fact that I don’t know who knows. Like this is how I wanted it, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. But I’m sort of regretting it because their is this girl right. I’m just going to call her A for now. She is in the grade below me and she dated my brother years ago. I didn’t really know her or like her much when she was dating my brother but she started working with me a while back and since then we have become friends. She is one of those people who seems like they always have a smile on their face, friendly to everyone they meet, and calls like everyone cutie. I’m not really friends with her friends and A isn’t really friends with my friends either, we run in different circles. The only reason that A and I are friends and talk is that we work together. So there is that like awkward relationship where its like we are work friends but are we really real friends you know? I want to be real friends with her though, or at least I think that’s what I want. Anyways ever since I told my friends that I’m bi they’ve started questioning me about if I like her like her or not. Like two of my friends came up to me and were like “you know she is bi right?” Which no I didn’t know and I’m not a hundred percent sure I believe them. I think she is one of those people where everyone kind of thinks she is bi but I don’t think she has ever confirmed it. So now my friends kind of think that she has a crush on me and they kinda think I may like her which I have no idea if I do or not. But now every time I talk to A or she is around in school I feel a little awkward and unsure? Because now every time I see her I’m one, wondering if she is flirting or just being friendly, and two, thinking about how my friends are going to tease me about it later. I wish I knew if she was actually into girls or not but I can’t just ask because then it will make me seem like I’m interested, which I’m not, kinda. I mean I kinda am. But even if she was into girls and like me I couldn’t date her. Well I could but I wouldn't be able to tell my mom about it and I definitely think she’d get suspicious. I just wish I knew if she was into girls and if she knows that I am. I just want to know where we stand. Life’s rough.
Anyways I just kind of wanted to rant about that and see if it helped me figure out my feelings, which it didn’t really. But yeah, that’s all.
