#therapy af

[calmrooms-oftheworld]

[ivan-smells]

I have not forgotten what it felt like to be laughed at throughout an entire relationship. I’m just glad now that I know the difference between an inside joke and a punching bag. I had so much faith that somehow the blows to every bit of self esteem I had were in good fun, but now I look back and remember that selfish assholes don’t have girlfriends, they have target practice.

I heard that you think that I want to hang out with you or be friends. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for socializing, but I think that our friendship only went as far as what you needed from me.

I remember what it felt like to literally tear my car apart in a rush to get to you. I was frantically duct taping my car together, upset not because I had wrecked something that was mine, but upset that you would change your mind about spending time with me.

You will not ever understand how much I loved you when I loved you. You had no idea that you had me starry-eyed, and I would’ve followed wherever you lead. I’m just glad you didn’t know, I’m glad I didn’t go there. I don’t know where I would be if you knew what you had when you had it.

I was so into you. You were a puzzle I could spend hours and hours toying with, contemplating. I wanted to know you more than I’d ever wanted to understand anything in my entire life. It took me a really long time to realize that you were not a maze to unwind, you were building a maze to capture me. You were not an intricate person: your stories were as fictional as you turned out to be.

Every time I get mosquito bites, I remember the night that you asked me to be your girlfriend.

The first time I tripped on acid, I went to that park. I could see our silhouettes sitting on the hill together. I could see the first night you told me we’d go driving and get lost. My memories played in front of me.

I liked your old hair better. The first time I saw it cut, I wondered how you dance without it – you know, the weird dance where you shake your mass of curly hair – I wondered if you still dance the same. I wondered where you put your headbands. I forgot I missed your enormous head. I realized that I’ve been looking for the wrong head towering over the crowds. Was it by your own choice? Did you want to change?

It’s really hard to come to the realization that the sun didn’t shine out of your ass.

I’m not even sure what my emotions are toward you. Sometimes, I’m the same sad girl, crying on Thanksgiving because you didn’t show up (even though I knew from the beginning that you wouldn’t), but sometimes I’m so happy to see you happy, and proud of who you are now (though I don’t get any credit, I left little to no impact on your life, I’m just saying that I’m proud to see it). I think sorting my feelings is an important part of moving on. I’ve never been good at sorting.

Thank you for pointing me toward someone who would really love me. You didn't know it at the time, but you really helped me out with that one. God knows I'm too oblivious to find it on my own. Or appreciate it when I found it. You taught me to love better - I want to love someone like I loved you. I want to reciprocate in the way you never did. I want to love.

If we meet someday in the future, please ask me how I felt the night you taught me how to show you that I wanted you, how to love. Please ask me how little time my decision took that morning to surrender everything to you. Ask me how I felt when you called me your girl. Actually, forget I said that. Please don’t ever ask me. Keep it to yourself.

Don’t think I don’t realize the price I paid to be with you. You would give me nothing, expecting to get an ego boost any time I prioritized you, make fun of how quickly I would oblige you. But you would complain: wonder why I was always hesitating, always wary, always in a position to run away. You asked me why I gave so little, but you gave me nothing to begin with. Everything was always an investment, but always a shot in the dark. My bets were nearly always wrong. I bankrupted myself loving you.

I bought you a chess set the first Christmas. Contemplated sending it to you through a mutual friend. Threw it away.

Fuck you.

Good luck out there.