i hate myself so much i force my friends to hate me too. these feelings are so strong that i can't fathom anyone else caring for me, so i turn their love into something cruel. it's different than my sisters. i know they're stuck with me, so i don't have to think this way. but my friends can leave. so i'm always on my best behavior. i can't stand the thought of them seeing every terrible inch of me. it's tiring, and i feel like i am constantly on. i can't be my true self. can't eat like i want, laugh too loud, say the wrong things, disagree too much. because what if they see me, for real, and think i'm disgusting? that i'm as rotten as my core. it makes having deep friendships difficult, and i have trouble making friends. the few friends i do have cause deep insecurities because i get jealous. i don't know how to fix this.
this is very introspective. anything else?
i stop myself from getting angry, but it means i stop my other emotions too. i suppress them because it's easier to believe they hate me than feel joy with me. than care about me. because caring about me means i could get hurt. its easier to keep everyone at arms length. but then i wish for someone to really see me. i act hurt when no one can. when really it's my fault i've built this chrysalis no one can break through.
you've been giving this a lot of thought.
yes. i've had a lot of time alone.
how do you see yourself?
i try not to.
try not to what?
see myself.
you spend a lot of time alone, picking apart your interactions, your negative traits, but you have no image of yourself.
of course i do. i just don't like it.
if you could pick five words to describe yourself, five words that won't be shared outside of this room, what would they be?
i don't know.
i know this is a difficult question to answer. i'd like you to try. if you find it too distressing, we can move on.
no i... it's okay. stupid, is the first one that comes to mind. i think i am stupid. i can't hold up academically. i think i know the right words, can say things with the right inflection, make people believe i'm saying something important. but it's simlish. what do i know? i don't know anything.
can you think of anything else?
ugly. i'll never be beautiful, handsome. i wasn't born for it. i'll melt into the background. i've made peace with that. that's only two, isn't it? maybe...anxious. i'm a very anxious being. jumpy. always looking over my shoulder. loud. i've always been loud. too loud, too much noise. and the final one...that should probably be positive. i think i can be kind. it's hard, though, to remember to always be kind. it's easier to be cruel. and sometimes, if my day has been difficult, or i am too tired, i am afraid i pick cruelty too easily.
you find yourself unappealing
i told you. i try not to look.
you know, you told me before you're in a phd. that field in particular, its acceptance rate is incredibly low. under 1%.
yes. it's a difficult field. but i'm not at the best school. i'm not on full scholarship.
do you always do that?
do what?
negate your achievements?
i don't have many achievements to negate.
what i'm hearing is that you spend a lot of time alone, but you don't have a relationship with yourself. when was the last time you celebrated something you'd done? or something about yourself? did you celebrate getting into grad school?
i called my sister.
did you do anything physical?
no. it was just an acceptance. they can be happy when i graduate.
when can you be happy?
i don't know. maybe when i deserve it.
you know, you were very insightful at the beginning of this session. you're very attuned to how your behaviors affect others. but you seem to ignore how you treat yourself, and how those behaviors affect you. i think that should be our biggest goal in our work together. reaching a point where you can have a relationship with yourself.
i don't know.
how does that goal make you feel?
we're back to what-if's, doc. what if we peel it back and there's nothing on the other side? what if this is just who i am.
you're in a phd. what do you do with hypotheses?
test them.
right. well. would you be willing to test this one? that there is something to find during our work together?
i guess i told you i'd do anything to make this stop. i figured i would get drugs.
i can refer you out to a psychiatrist too, if you're interested in medication.
it'll have to be next time. our time's up.
the clock is wrong. how did you know?
i told you. i always tell you. it's always the same.
right. well, i'll see you next week.
yeah, doc. next week.
-therapy practice, session 4



















