#therapyyyyy

[spaceboundspacehound]

Lots of feelings. Trusting someone who, in words and actions, said, "I am not like those other men, i am different, and i will be patient, considerate, and understanding, i want to live with you. I want to get to know you more," to completely abandon you many times and then after having a talk about regaining trust and having that patience and understanding, having them dump you because you messed up and made a mistake while exhausted, overwhelmed, emotionally burnt out and trying to help, is ... I really don't know how to trust again or not feel too much or broken anymore.

[enbyprawn]

Update on me for those who worry for my mental state 😪

I complained to enough people that I'm finally getting enough therapy so thank god, cos I been dyingggg babes. But also I realised again today that getting help is like... hard... and I have to put in effort... so that was a shock lol... we'll see. I do wanna be better

[cockadoodlebumtits]

This is going to sound weird...

...and probably arrogant, vain, stupid and ungrateful. I know this. But.

My therapist (when I'd caught her up on the last 14 months since I saw her) called me a remarkable person. People have been doing this a lot of late, and they mean well. They mean for it to cause a happy feeling of self-worth, which it does for a few minutes each time.

...But then later, when I think about it (and this isn't their fault) it makes me very sad. Here's where the vanity etc. comes in.

I was always going to be remarkable. I just hoped it would be for something better and more worthwhile than merely staying alive while the universe rains shit down on me.

[2am-euphoria]

I think I’m really kinda burnt out from not being in therapy for a month, at this point…

Not in a bad bad way, like I’m in crisis, I’m just emotionally exhausted.

My chest is practically aching from all the triggering things I’ve had to do last month. My sister said once I had the heart of a marathon runner, or a racehorse, because mine is able to continually pump blood really fast for a really long time when I get triggered…

The dysthmia is hard to fight off. Some days it just gets to the point where all I want to do is to throw on a hoodie and sleep under the air conditioner. I feel motivated to do nothing, I feel physically sick and basically feel like I have a really bad cold.

Then there’s the depersonalization that happened last night, which was frickin scary, I felt so disconnected from my body that I felt like myself and my body were two different pieces. I STILL have very little coping skills to use to stop this.

The OCD has been okay. I have barely drawn, I’ve made small amounts of progress in other areas though-touched a few trash cans and lived with myself for a little bit, washed my hands once instead of four times after touching said trash cans, etc.

But damn I am just burnt OUT. My problems escalated and she wasn't there. There are going to be a LOT of things discussed next time.

/Casually counting down the days until I get to go see her again don't look at me