Nightmares were a constant for John. That much he knew. They haunted him almost every night, terrorizing him day by day in his waking hours.
Most of the time he couldn’t remember what the dreams were about. The horrors that stuck with him were the bad ones. The ones where his fears came to life. Where his true phobias and concerns were put against him.
When he remembered those dreams, he was quieter. Much more clingy. Needed them by his side, that reassurance he was desperate for. One time Lafayette had simply left the room with just a sweet smile to John for five minutes to get some things for their movie and returned to John curled up sobbing on the couch. Lafayette dropped that bag of popcorn and his water bottle, ran over and pulled John into his lap. When he tried to get his friend to tell him why, the freckled southerner just cried harder, pleaded they don’t leave him.
He called Hercules and Alexander home from work. It took them some time to get home, but the sight they saw when they got there broke their hearts. John clinging tightly to Lafayette, sniffling and whimpering, all out of tears to cry. His eyes were reddened, flushed cheeks tear-stained, lidded eyes focused on the ground, either not listening to them or refusing to meet their gaze.
Hercules sat on one side and took one of his hands, Alexander on the other. Alex was the one to lean forward, press his lips to John’s despite his current state. It made Laf and Herc smile to see that surprised look cross John’s face for a moment before he just melted between Lafayette’s arms around his waist and Alexander’s lips on his. It was hard to handle John when he got like that, but they’d manage.
The thing was, they didn’t know what went on in his head.
John was surrounded by shadows. It was dark, cold, lonely, and John was petrified. Had he not felt this before? This sick feeling to his stomach, an unknown voice in his head screaming one word.
Adrenaline and fear in his veins, hazel eyes wide and filled with fear plain and simple as he ran. He ran and ran and ran until he ran into something when he glanced behind himself. He looked up and the fear and horror running through his veins cooled to see his sort of fatherly best friend Hercules Mulligan. He would help, right? He would keep John safe.
A relieved smile grew on his lips as he near childishly reached up, expecting him to take his hand to pull him up. Then John felt smaller, glanced down to see he looked like he did when he was ten, from the long curly and untied locks to his black shorts and turtle t-shirt he loved so much. He looked up again and was filled with that fear to see the malicious grin on Hercules’s face. “What makes you think I’d help you?” That ‘friend’ of his asked and John’s smile faltered. “When have you ever helped me? Really? Pain in the ass.” He hissed, and suddenly John was falling with a scream as Herc just watched.
He felt like he was falling forever, petrified and confused. Then he hit the ground - hard. A low groan escaped him as he laid there a moment before slowly sitting up and looking around, brows furrowing to see their apartment. John got up, walked around and peered into the rooms. It seemed he was alone. Then he was in the doorway of the kitchen and felt a weight in his hand. Looked down to see his hand dripping blood, a picture frame in one hand and some glass lodged in his knuckles.
And oh god, when the pain hit him, he almost screamed, but he was silenced. Throat closed up. He felt tears burning his eyes, looked down at the picture frame to see a picture of he and Alex from a few years back - college roommates, best friends, a picture of Alex pressing a kiss to John’s cheek during a Halloween party at the Schuyler’s, John looking equal parts madly in love and surprised. Lafayette had taken the picture for them, Herc in the background with Peggy on his shoulders, and beside them on the other side of the picture was Aaron holding Frances on his shoulders, Peggy and Frances holding up the banner together that read in rainbow lettering, Happy Birthday, Laurens Twins.He remembered that day. The oh so wonderful Reynolds Pamphlet. He read the little story Alexander published. Slammed his fist so hard into the picture that it shattered. Which meant...
He looked up with wide eyes to see Alexander standing there, looking furious. Cursed him out for breaking the glass and ripped the frame from his hands. Cursed him more when he saw a little rip in the picture. Useless, he screamed in John’s face. Smacked his arm once. John smacked Alexander’s arm right back and was shoved to the ground for his efforts. John felt fear making his blood run cold, staring up at Alexander wide-eyed as he ranted even though he was the one in the wrong.
Useless, hopeless, you’re the reason this happened, it’s all your fault. you’re a m o n s t e r
John let out a little sob as Alex ranted, huffed, screamed at John about how horrible he was. The sad thing was, John was starting to believe it. He scrambled to his feet when Alexander looked ready to punch him, turning and bolting through the other doorway. Where it’d normally lead to the bathroom, it led to a darkness. Surrounded by the dark with the door disappearing behind him.
Just like before, he glanced back, blanched to see nothing, ran into someone. He looked up with wide eyes to see Lafayette looking down at him. There was this strange look on his face and he found himself hesitant to be happy to see his best friend, not after what he’d been through.
Then Lafayette silently offered him a hand and John bit his lip, staring at him before he took his hand, let Lafayette pull him up. Suddenly they were in Lafayette’s old dorm room - fuck, John remembered this day too when he glanced at that calendar. The day he and Francis finally broke up and he spent the day with his best friend instead. Lafayette acted as he did on the day, all sweet, sympathetic smiles, hugs and forehead kisses.
John found himself melting when Lafayette pulled him into his lap, pressed a kiss to the top of his head and held him so close to his chest. John shifted, pressed his ear to Lafayette’s chest and relaxed as he listened to his heartbeat. It was pretty soothing after what he’d been through. “Why do Alex and Herc hate me?” He asked quietly, voice cracking, heart melting with the firm hand rubbing his back in soothing circles, the other arm wound around John’s waist as his hands clutched his shirt tight in his hands.
“You’re... Oh god. Laffy, you’re all that’s left..” He sobbed, shaking with his cries as he heard his best friend coo and murmur reassuring words in French. He didn’t understand a bit of it, but it was soothing nonetheless. “I-I love you. So much... I...” He shifted, sniffled and looked up at Laf, his brother watching him with that sympathetic but sweet smile on his face, eyes full of so much love and care for him. “I-I love you. Fuck... I... I-I love you and Alex, Laf. B-But I guess Alex doesn’t love me so much anymore... I guess I wouldn’t blame him...”
Then he snuggled closer, letting out a shaky breath as he tucked his face against his neck and whispered, “At least I still have you.” The silence took over for a few minutes, then Lafayette spoke and John tensed up.
“What makes you think you have me?”
John leaned back and looked up fearfully at him, biting his lip for a moment before he spoke. The look on Lafayette’s face didn’t change, and that was really throwing him off. “I-I’m sorry. If... If you don’t love me, I mean, I still have you as a friend. H-Herc ‘n Alex don’t like me anymore.” He explained quietly, but a chill ran down his spine at the dark look that crossed Lafayette’s face and stayed there.
“What makes you think you have me?” He repeated and John’s expression dropped. His heart dropped into his belly. “No. No. Nonono- I need you, please don’t leave me.” He pleaded, feeling like he’d throw up at the disgusted look on Lafayette’s face as he roughly shoved John off his lap. The smaller man scrambled to his feet, trembling as he took and held Lafayette’s hand tightly, tears dripping down his face. “Don’t go, don’t go! Please, Laf! You promised! You said you’d always be there!” He cried, feeling terrified and even sicker with that laugh that ripped from his ‘brother’ as he shoved him on his ass. “You could not handle your father. You could not handle Francis. What makes you think you can handle me?”
Oh no. He looked up, scared to silence to see Francis Kinloch on one side of Lafayette and Henry Laurens on the other, both had their arms crossed, all three looking down at him in obvious disgust and loathing.
“Non aimé et sans espoir.“ Lafayette.
“Wh-what?...” John stammered. He didn’t understand the French even know, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.
“Who would love you?” Laf hissed, delivering a swift kick to his side that knocked him over, had him sobbing between his sadness and fear and the pain. “Who needs you? You’re hopeless!”
“Prude. I bet he’s Hamilton’s little whore.”
“Oui, that would explain a lot.”
John just cried out again when Henry kicked him this time. Right as he was about to slam his heel into John’s head, John was sitting up with a heartbroken scream in bed, a cold sweat covering his skin and tears running down his face. He flailed, jerked and cried out as he tried to rapidly untangle himself from the covers. Needed out, needed air fuckfuckfuck- He grabbed his phone and stumbled out of the apartment, ran out to the sidewalk outside. Gasping and heaving for breath.
Threw up on the sidewalk and fell to his knees, thanking whatever god there was that no one was out to see him like this.
After fifteen minutes of coughing, heaving, scared and sick, he found himself in his car, driving to somewhere he didn’t know. He didn’t pay attention to where he was going. He went on autopilot in the chilly air of New York at three AM.
That was how he found himself at Herc’s place. Parking lots and parks weren’t safe. Not at night. New York wasn’t safe at night - not in his eyes. Hercules’ place. That was safe. That was familiar. He didn’t have the bravery to get out of the car, to go see if Herc still wanted him around. To see if the dream was real or not. But he was too scared, too sick, too...
He didn’t know what happened. One moment he was staring at the wheel, heart racing in his chest and hyperventilating. The next moment he was slowly waking up - in a bed?
He stared up at the ceiling blearily before looking toward the nightstand to see the clock read it was ten AM.
He slowly sat up and jumped at a sudden thud, looking up with wide eyes to see Alexander in a chair at a desk. A book was on the ground. That explained the thud. “Jack! Thank god. Jesus fucking Christ, you scared us!” Alex gasped, rushing over. John flinched and he suddenly stopped, brows furrowing before he crouched down by the edge of the bed, taking John’s hand in his.
“Did someone hurt you?” Hesitation. He shook his head. “Did someone scare you?” More hesitation, then a slow nod. “Who?” With a shaky hand, he pointed to himself and Alex’s face softened.
“Wanna tell me what happened, love?” He asked softly, shifting to sit on the edge of the bed, gently cupping John’s cheek in his hand. “B-Bad dream.” He whispered, trembling. “Wh-where are we?”
“Herc’s place. He heard a fucking horn outside and found you passed out on your car. What happened, honey?”
“I...” John’s eyes welled up with tears and suddenly Alex pulled him close, held his head against his chest and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. That was soothing and John let himself explain, let his mouth run as he explained. How he woke up petrified. How he immediately went outside. Threw up. Drove to Herc’s. New York isn’t safe at night. Hyperventilating and lightheaded and suddenly darkness took over his vision and he was waking up there in bed.
Alex just held him through it all. Asked quietly if he could call Herc and Laf in and he shook his head. “... O-One at a time? My... My dream... I... I-I can’t handle it. N-Not all of you altogether.. B-But I wanna see Herc.”
“Want me to go while you two talk?” John looked so terrified of answering, breathing picking up and Alex quickly amended, “Hey, hey, shh. I’ll wait with Laf. It’s alright. I’ll be right outside, okay?”
That seemed to calm him and he nodded. Alexander left the room then and minutes later, Herc came in. He had a mug in his hand and a bottle in the other, setting the mug down and opening the bottle to give John an aspirin which he happily took with whatever was in the mug - tea. John’s favorite green tea, in fact.
Now that was soothing and after setting the mug down, he shifted more to the side in the bed - Herc’s bed - and grabbed the man’s hand, pulling it until he laid down with him. Hercules chuckled, but he didn’t put up a fuss. Everyone ran through the day quietly. Hercules never left on John’s request, and by the end of the day, John had Lafayette cuddled up behind him, holding him close to his chest, Alexander in front of him, their hands holding onto each other and Hercules behind Alex, holding him close as well.
It was quiet and soothing. John stayed there quietly, eyes open, watched them rest. Catch up on what they lost because of him.
When the sun began to set and they all woke up, John hesitated. Told them about the dream. He didn’t want to. But they deserved to know. He couldn’t let his fears and concerns get in the way of his friendship with them all. He couldn’t. That was how the dream would come true.
They were all quiet for a long moment when he finished. One by one, they reassured him. “You help me all the time,” Herc said. “You listen to me. Give me advice on the things I sew. Hell, we all know I’m stronger than you but you’ve still tried to save me in bar fights. You’re my brother, man. I love you.”
Then Alexander. “I’m so, so sorry for that day, Jacky... You were gone, I was stressed and she was there. But it was not your fault, baby. Not at all. You’re not useless, or hopeless and you’re most definitely not a monster. You never were. I love you so, so much, you mean the world to me, Jack. I’m sorry.”
Then Lafayette. He was quiet longer, thinking very carefully about his words before nudging John. John shifted, rolled over and looked Laf in the eyes. Let him see the forming tears and fear. Alex and Herc just shifted to watch them as Lafayette gently cupped his cheek and gave him a soft smile, a kiss to the forehead.
“Mon ami, mon John... You are very lovable. You are no putain, mon chou. You are not hopeless. You’re very, very special to us.” He murmured, wiping away a few tears that dripped down John’s face. He shifted, had John sit up and move into his lap where he held his friend and kissed the top of his head. “You will always have me, mon chou. Je promets.” John looked helplessly over at Alex, whom just smiled so sweetly at him. “He promises, Jacky... We all do.”
Then John was full blown sobbing, unable to catch his breath, and this time, unlike last night, Lafayette, Alexander and Hercules were there to hold him through it, to coo words of reassurances to him and be there for him.
Hours later, quite a few talks and a full night’s rest, John finally sat Alex and Laf down an hour after they woke up while Herc made them breakfast. He hesitated, addressing Alex first, “Sabes lo que es poliromántico, ¿verdad?” He asked quietly, safe in Spanish as Alex nodded slowly, eyes widening in realization a moment later. He looked between John and Laf, leaving poor Lafayette in confusion before giving his nervous, freckled boyfriend the biggest grin. “¿Vas en serio?“ “Si.” “¿De verdad?” “Si, tonto.” “¡Yo también!” “Kinda had that figured.”
John turned his attention to the beyond confused Lafayette, giving him a shy smile before addressing Alex. “Wanna ask him?” “Yes!” “Calm down.” “Fuck no!” Lafayette laughed at Alexander’s enthusiasm, turning a kind smile to the little spitfire they called a friend as Alex spoke in rapid French. “Vous devez savoir ce qu'est le polyromantique.” “Pourquoi?”
Then Alex looked so excited, taking one of his hands and squeezing it. “Parce que nous voulons que vous soyez là avec nous!” Laf made such a face, lips quirking to the side, eyebrow raising and John had to cover his mouth to stifle a fit of childish giggles at the face. “Vraiment?” “Putain, oui!” “Je ne peux pas dire non à cela.”
It took some extra talks, mixtures between French, English and Spanish, before finally John took their hands, looked Alex in the eye as they both looked at John. “I love you.” He said so genuinely Alex swore he felt like crying to see so much love and care in John for him. Then he turned his gaze to Lafayette, once again repeating, “I love you.”
Then he was being pulled between them, squashed in hugs and kisses and he felt that old butterfly feeling in his stomach when Lafayette’s lips finally pressed to his, not a speck of jealousy between them. Not when there was so much love between them for each other. The dreams definitely didn’t matter. Not when he had the chance to fall asleep with his friends all around him and wake up to their smiling faces and reassurances of love and affection.
