So, uh, I've been rereading "Beneath A Broken Sky" by @thesatiricaldemon, and because I'm me, this got me thinking about that "Smiler from a regular old Blades In The Dark world ends up in the BABS verse" idea I had a while back, and then I remembered how Satirical would do posts featuring memes of what was going to happen in the next chapter of the story, and -- yeah, this happened. XD Enjoy?
Well, if you're fed up with Cat Mario, I offer a different experience.
*Pulls up Inscryption.*
Who here likes card games?
Victor: [waving his hands and backing up] No, no, no -- I'm not playing any more recommended games until someone I trust tells me it's not a horrible troll game. SMILER! Have you ever heard of "Inscryption?"
@thesatiricaldemon You suggested that my Valicer In The Dark trio getting stuck in an Omega Mart might be interesting -- and I agreed, especially when I confirmed that bringing in outside merchandise, even accidentally, might get them in trouble. :D With that in mind, here's a fic about my favorite crime trio dealing with the World's Most Exceptional Grocery Store, and a certain employee featured in the training videos... Hope you like!
--
“...all right, I think it’s officially safe to say this ‘Omega Mart’ is about as far from a regular market as you can possibly get.”
“I – I think so too,” Victor agreed, staring at the display before them. It was like nothing he’d ever seen before – long rows of shelves tucked away in an unnaturally bright, unnaturally cold white alcove in the wall, covered in mysterious containers labeled things like “Silt” (which, judging by the image on the carton, was milk mixed with rocks and dirt), “Orange Awakening” (which seemed to come in two varieties – containing oranges and containing LOTS of oranges), and “Millk” (which was plastered with endlessly-repeating pictures of a mysterious black-and-white animal that Victor didn’t trust as far as he could throw it). Containers that, midway through the rack, suddenly seemed to stretch, becoming a riot of colorful stripes that hurt his eyes to look at, before morphing back into seemingly-ordinary cartons again. He backed away a step, swallowing. “I-I mean, it was a-already q-quite clear before, but...”
“But everything in here just keeps getting weirder and weirder?” Smiler finished for him, jerking their head at the frost-covered doors beside the “Fresh Daiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiry” section – the ones that were chained shut, with a strangely-cheerful sign on them asking the trio to “pardon our dust.”
“Yes, ah, pretty much.” Victor twisted up his tie, squeezing it tight between his hands as if hoping that would force the world to start making sense again. “I – I don’t know how to d-describe it. This entire place is j-just so – so – o-off-kilter.”
“That is a severe understatement,” Alice replied, looking at the cans behind them, which advertised various flavors of “Sop.” Her eyes traveled up the display to the strange creature made out of those same cans at the top. “Judging by what we’ve seen, this store never had a kilter in the first place.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that – judging by what we’ve seen, this place probably sells kilters somewhere,” Smiler argued. They held up a finger, plastering on an encouraging smile. “But! This is a store, even if it’s a bizarre one. And that means there has to be an exit! So I say we keep moving and–”
“Excuse me!”
Victor started, then turned to see an androgynous person with short reddish hair and a smile that could rival an Advocate’s approaching them, dressed in a red apron and sporting a name tag that simply read “YOU.” “I’m terribly sorry, but you’re in violation of Omega-Mart Policy 104.363ΣΣ,” they continued in a disturbingly cheery tone.
Victor blinked and shared a puzzled look with his companions. “Policy 104 – what?”
YOU nodded at Smiler’s case. “We’ve detected non-Omega Mart brand pharmaceuticals in there,” they explained. “We will be forced to involve Security if they are not removed.”
Victor did not like how YOU said the word “Security.” “Oh – ah – um – look, we – w-we didn’t mean to bring Smiler’s Joy Serum here,” he said, gripping his tie all the tighter. “We d-didn’t mean to come here at all! We were d-dropped here by – er – some sort of – swirling vortex?”
YOU’s smile wavered just slightly. “Oh dear – sounds like you encountered a difficult spill! I hope someone put an ecru cone up!”
“...if ‘ecru’ is another word for ‘white,’ then yes, we saw one by those ‘rose beef’ flowers,” Alice said, raising an eyebrow. “Which the Queen of Hearts liked a little too much for my tastes...the point is, the Joy Serum just came with us. We didn’t realize it wasn’t allowed.”
“Nevertheless, we can’t have non-Omega Mart products and salespeople in the store,” YOU replied, undaunted. “What if you encountered an Exceptional Customer? It would be against our values for them to receive a non-Omega Mart product.”
“Well, what if Joy Serum became an Omega Mart product?”
Victor looked over to see Smiler advancing on YOU with the full force of their own megawatt grin. “Hi – I’m Smiler Alton, the creator of Joy Serum,” they said, offering their hand – YOU took it seemingly on reflex. “And I’m sure I’d be delighted to work with Omega Mart as a distributor! I’m always looking for more markets to help people feel the joy! Not to mention I might be able to help you expand your operations into our home city of Duskwall in Akoros – I know the Happles we saw before would be a huge hit with my own group the Advocates. Who doesn’t love food that smiles at you?” They beamed right in YOU’s face, waggling their case invitingly. “Point is, this is only a non-Omega Mart product for as long as you don’t stock it – and I am willing to change that!”
YOU stared at them for a moment with a slightly shell-shocked, “wait the customers aren’t supposed to do this” look. “I...this wasn’t covered in the training videos,” they confessed. “I’m going to confer with my manager. Could you wait here please?”
“Not a problem,” Smiler assured them, stepping back. “I look forward to talking with them!”
YOU nodded – then, for some reason, proceeded over to the “Frosty Drinkables” section just beyond the chained doors. They walked along the line of what Victor assumed to be advanced ice boxes for a moment –
Then stopped at one boasting shelves of a strange brown drink and threw it open. They were promptly enveloped in a strange, otherworldly glow that made Victor’s eyes tingle unpleasantly. YOU seemed utterly unbothered though, just giving them a little wave before stepping inside and closing the door behind them. There was a long moment of silence as the glow faded. “So – do we run now, or...?” Alice finally asked.
“Where to?” Victor asked, rubbing his head. “I don’t want ‘Security’ set on us.”
“Neither do I, so I say we stay here for now,” Smiler said, drumming their fingers on their case. “Perhaps the manager will be able to help us...and this section of the store does seem safe enough!”
Victor raised an eyebrow and pointed at the “Fresh Daiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiry” section again. Smiler looked over, then back at him with a weak grin. “...I said safe enough.”
LB!Alice, looking at VITD setting: It can't get weirder than this.
*Camera slowly pans to BABS setting with ominous music (courtesy of an Amorphous Flute Player)*
Londerland Bloodlines Alice: Oh God, what's wrong with that one?
Valicer In The Dark Smiler: Well, for starters, apparently both the sun and the moon are evil and trying to melt people's brains or turn them into cultists! Or both!
LB Alice: ...I'm never complaining about the bizarre parts of my own world ever again.
Helo yes, I just want to say that I found your Forgotten Vows verse again, and also your Secundus verse, because of @thesatiricaldemon 's "Beneath A Broken Sky" and all I have to say is:
... how dare you both, now I have two AU fic ideas that sprouted from them because of inspiration! [Positive] (Actually three, but that one is just an afterthought)
*snrrrk* How very dare we XD But hey, I'm glad that both my fics and SatiricalDemon's have been inspiring to you! Love to know more about what percolating in your head! (And hey, don't dismiss that "afterthought" idea -- my ORIGINAL idea for an Alice: Madness Returns / Corpse Bride crossover after the release of the former was for them to meet after Alice killed Dr. Bumby and Victor had gone through both the "corpse bride" incident and its aftermath, but while I was sorting out that, I had a stray thought of "but what if Victor's parents hadn't believed him and instead sent him to Dr. Bumby to force him to forget the whole thing...and we see where THAT ended up. XD)
Tour guide at the Clown's Gallery Museum in the BABS universe pre-1997: The Egg Registry uses these painted eggs as records of the face paints of registered clowns under Clowns International, both as a method of copyright for a performer's design and to differentiate human clowns from regular domesticated clowns. Their facial markings are kept in a separate registry at the Institute of Coulrology.
Valicer In The Dark
Alice: ...one of these days we have to have a proper contest between our world and this one and see which one actually wins for being the most fucked up.
Smiler: Are the -- domesticated clown's markings also painted on eggs? Just curious.
