The Valice Multiverse

The multiverse encompasses all times, places, and people. . .and yet somehow, this one shy young man keeps stumbling into the same amazing young woman. . . An independent, semi-selective, multiversal AU crossover Victor Van Dort/Alice Liddell (and friends) blog. Adult themes featured! Ellipsus About, Rules, Verses, and Tags

[thevalicemultiverse]

Why did you start hunting the supernatural?

K: I saw a beast of evil and hunger prey on the helpless. I want to stop that from happening.

H: These things are a danger to our families and community. We will protect our right to live in peace.

M: I was pushed into a crusade at birth, and decided to take the opportunity to learn the secrets of those who dwell in the dark.

C: I SAW A GNOME!!!

Londerland Bloodlines

Alice: ...well, I can't fault K's reasoning -- I too would want to stop that from happening! H is also not wrong, though I would like to stress that most supernatural creatures would also like to live in peace, so maybe keep it to the ones actively attacking people... M sounds like they might be in a bit of a cult situation -- and given that the members of the Society of Leopold were right pricks, I'm worried about them. And C...well. Do I have to worry about gnomes now? If they are real, I would like to know how not to piss them off.

[thevalicemultiverse]

The fact that you can’t check into a hotel until 4pm when the day is basically over but have to check out by 10am the next morning should honestly be illegal.

Cuddlepile

Smiler: It would be nice if check-in and check-out times were more flexible, yeah -- on the other hand, you have to give the staff time to clean the rooms, so... *shrug* I don't have any solutions for you, sorry!

[thevalicemultiverse]

Spy x family is very very good because there's a bit where a far right terrorist group says that they want to start a war and a main character responds by saying to them

"have any of you ever killed anyone before? Have you ever been killed before? Have you ever had a limb torn off by an artillery shell? Have you ever heard the sound of bones shattering? Have you ever smelled the reek of rotting flesh? Have you ever found the crushed bodies of your parents and siblings in a pile of rubble that used to be your home? Have you ever discovered a blown-off piece of your lover stuck to a wall? Have you ever been so hungry that you tried to eat tree bark? Or stewed a pot of human flesh? Have you ever convinced yourself that your enemy was subhuman so you could...slaughter them like animals? Have you ever been so haunted by shame and regret afterwards that you cried until you vomited? Have you ever had friends who did the same, and then took their own lives? Did you learn nothing about war at your university?!"

and that's the same volume where they adopt a dog that can see into the future

Londerland Bloodlines

Alice: ...I mean I suppose you would want the lightheartedness of a clairvoyant dog after that speech. Not that it isn't a good speech, because yes, the warmongers often don't know or care much about the horrors of war unless they're spelled out like that. I'm not opposed to getting violent if I have to -- and I have had to a lot in the past -- but, having experienced a little bit of what that character mentions, I can tell you it makes you appreciate the peaceful times a hell of a lot more. Even if you don't get a future-predicting dog for your trouble.

[thevalicemultiverse]

A tuna walks into a sushi restaurant, says to the chef, "Hey, you killed my father." Chef says to the tuna, "That's my business, fish." Tuna thinks about it, says, "Then I challenge you to a game of chess. If I win, you stop being a chef forever." "And if I win?" asks the chef. "You can feed me to your customers", Tuna replies. So, the chef and tuna play chess. Tunas love to play chess, so in a few moves the chef was checkmated. "Well, looks like I win", says the tuna. Chef nods and plunges his knife into the fish's belly. "But I won", says the tuna as he feels the knife wiggling into his guts. "So did your father", says the chef.

Londerland Bloodlines

Alice: ...I'm going to take this as a warning that, even if I think I've won during this final confrontation with LaCroix, I should assume he's got at least one last dirty trick up his sleeve. Which, given what he's like, is just good sense, so thank you.

[thevalicemultiverse]

When I said "he'd throw one punch and then shit his intestines out all over the ring" you thought I was referring to the butterfly part and not the bee part?

Inevitable High School

Victor: [now looking extremely embarrassed] I, um -- I just for some reason went "w-well, the punch has to relate to the sting of the bee, so the intestines have to r-relate somehow to the float of the butterfly." I-I don't know why, I know honeybees die when they s-sting people because the stinger gets p-pulled out...

Smiler: [patting him on the back] Hey, I made the same mistake! And that's not exactly the same thing as shitting your intestines out. Maybe it should be his arm gets stuck to his opponent and gets ripped off?

[thevalicemultiverse]

You and your dreadful little Polycule haven't seen the last of me!

Valicer In The Dark

Alice: [yelling back as Victor and Smiler hurry her off] My polycule is your worst nightmare!

[thevalicemultiverse]

If taken literally, it puts a whole new spin on the Muhammad Ali philosophy, 'Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee', doesn't it? By that logic, he'd throw one punch and then shit his intestines out all over the ring.

Inevitable High School

Smiler: ... [looks at Victor] So, uh, as the resident butterfly expert --

Victor: [trying to look stuff up on his phone] I can't say I have any idea what they're talking about. Adult butterflies don't really poop, they just let out excess water from all the nectar and such they drink, and while there may be a caterpillar that does this as a defense mechanism against predators, I don't recall any off the top of my head.

[thevalicemultiverse]

(Polite knock at the door)

Elaine: Whose that?

Jerry: It’s Kramer

Elaine: ….

……

No, who really is?

Jerry: It’s Kramer

Elaine: NO

Jerry: (Opens the door)

Kramer: Hey…can I come in?

Elaine: …..

…….

what

what is this

What’s happening here

Kramer: Oh, I’m a vampire now

Elaine: (Nods in understanding as the world makes sense again) Ohhhhhhhhh

Londerland Bloodlines

Alice: [watching this on the TV] Well, that's a new twist on things...though I want to see the moment where he tried to barge into Jerry's apartment as usual and realized that he couldn't anymore. Did he bang into an invisible wall, or...

Victor: [small chuckle] Maybe... [pause] Though, er, I'm a little surprised the people who made this were allowed to, given that one script in Hollywood you had to destroy.

Alice: Given that there are plenty of movies and TV shows and whatnot about vampires out there, I'm thinking the only problem with Julius and David Hatter's collaboration was that it hadn't gotten previous approval from Abrams. This was probably reviewed and considered fine because it's a clear parody. [pause] And because most vampires DON'T have this weakness.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Vampires are so full of shit. "Oh the human race is beneath us, you're just livestock to us!" I don't think you know what livestock is. Do you feed us? Care for us? Protect us from predators? No. You just slink around dark alleys and ambush people. That's not what a higher being does! That's a bottom feeder! A parasite! Karate punches your head off!

Londerland Bloodlines

Alice: To be fair, not every vampire feeds that way, and most do want their "herd" to stay at least somewhat healthy...but most of them are stuck-up shits who consider themselves better than humans. We probably wouldn't need a Masquerade if more vampires made a habit of actually feeding and helping the humans in their community. I don't think anyone would mind donating a bit of blood if it meant you got free food in return. Especially given how good the Kiss feels...

[thevalicemultiverse]

Jerry: She has a penis?

George: She had a PENIS, Jerry!

Elaine: So what if she had a penis?

(Kramer enters)

Elaine: Kramer, would you ever date a girl with a penis?

Kramer: I only date girls with penises

George: Really? Why?

Kramer: She knows her way around the equipment

Cuddlepile

Alice: I'm guessing you think this is more in line with how you think George would act than in the previous parody.

Richard: Indeed -- though I suspect George would also get fixated on if the woman's penis is bigger than his.

Smiler: That feels like a George thing, yeah.

[thevalicemultiverse]

well i guess im not allowed back at the shooting range because the woke dipshits that own the place kept getting complaints that it was "concerning" and "uncomfortable" when i would tape a poster-sized photograph of my own face onto the target and land every single shot perfectly between the eyes

Londerland Bloodlines

Alice: ...while your aim is apparently impressive, I too would find it somewhat concerning that you were shooting your own face. Care to elaborate? If only to assure listeners you're not actually suicidal?

[thevalicemultiverse]

Happy pride month to my dad. When I came out as bi to him, this man googled what it meant, look at me and said "ohh. Yeah. You get that from me. You'd have far more siblings of I only shagged women." And went right back to his work emails.

Cuddlepile

Smiler: Well, at least that means he was accepting! And that you probably have fewer half-siblings running around than you originally thought?

[thevalicemultiverse]

I'm turning 18 in twenty years it's so over for me

Inevitable High School

Alice: ...I'd say that's Wonderland math, but I think it's more accurate to say that it's "this ridiculous high school" math. Unless you've somehow invented time travel and come back to two years before your own birth.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Buy some Dino Tater Tots and some Dino Nuggies for twice the Dino Dinner.

Cuddlepile

Smiler: [looks over at Victor and Alice as the ad ends] What do you think? Dino Dinner?

Victor: [fiddling with his fingers] I -- well --

Alice: [gently] Your mother will never have to find out, you know. We'll literally be eating the evidence.

Victor: [laughs] True...all right, let's do Dino Dinner.

Smiler: Great! Let me get in the group chat and see if any of the others can make it...

[thevalicemultiverse]

The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe Summary.

Lucy: There's a magical world inside of this closet!

Edmund: Don't believe her!

Peter: I don't believe you!

Aslan: Believe her!

Susan: Jesus Christ! A talking lion!

Aslan: You were correct in multiple ways.

(Yeah, I forgot how weird the World of Narnia is!)

Inevitable High School

Alice: It has been far too long since I read that book, though I'm pretty sure that summary is accurate.

Smiler: I know them mainly by pop-culture osmosis, but yeah, that feels right.

Victor: [puzzled] I'm not that familiar with them -- what does Aslan mean by Susan being "correct in multiple ways?"

Smiler: He's not just a talking lion, he's the local representation of Jesus. Pretty sure he's supposed to be the same guy as our Jesus Christ, just in a different form, but don't quote me on that.

Victor: ...that's probably why I'm not familiar with them -- Pastor Galswells would have never stood for that in the local library.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Alice, have you run into any supernatural creatures since moving to Hill Valley?

Londerland Bloodlines

Alice: Not really -- Hill Valley is rather quiet in that regard. I have -- a few contacts in the sewers, let's say -- but other than them I haven't seen any Kindred. Nor any werewolves or ghosts or other potentially bizarre beasts. It's been rather nice, honestly.

[pause] That being said...I wouldn't be surprised to learn my landlord Dr. Brown is a wizard of some description. There's something odd about that man.

[thevalicemultiverse]

If bad dreams are nightmares then are good dreams daystallions?

Forgotten Vows

Alice: [thoughtful] I see where you're going with that, but the problem is, I automatically think a daystallion should be associated with a daydream. Though I guess daydreams are typically nice fantasies, so -- perhaps it still works?