So here it is. Day 390.
I am committing to make this a real decision to choose my very own happiness. This choice may sound simple, and I wish more than ever , it was just that. But suffering from depression my whole life…being sad, hurting, agony in questioning, HATING myself and everyone else, and the having the STRENGTH as a weakness to endure all of the BPD stuff…well, in a twisted way - it is familiar and comforting. It’s easy for me to revert back to this old dependence that I understand, but I am choosing the harder decision to fight back for all those years, tears, and heartache. I am facing this demon. 390 days ago, I hit a wall of realization that I was sad…i was fucking, so FUCKING, sad man. Like really dark, it was scary..and I didn’t give a shit if light ever came again. And I am tired and running on fumes from all the aching. I had to let go of all the people who used me up and exhausted the fire in my life. & It gets pretty lonely, but the relief and solidarity of having no one to blame, but myself...is so much more worth it. So yay to me, this is scary as hell, but I'm ready to find myself again. So here's to rehabilitating a beautiful, organic love for myself, inner peace, & happiness.
