PREFACE
If you are reading this, you are questioning what has happened to drive me to this self-realization point right here. Well, I guess I can give you a small back story just for the full effect. Although, I will not give full detail, because it was such tragic things...I don’t trust any of you yet. I don’t even know if there is an ‘any of you’. So I will hold on to it dearly. I went through alot of pain so I cherish these tragedies.
But if you are out there and have fought or are fighting through similar tragedies and would like to speak in detail about it ONLY to help with your BPD episodes; shoot me a private message. This offer is not for your curiosity nor any sort of self-righteousness. Thank you for understanding.
SO. Here we go...
Last year, I had a friend who saved my life. He saved mine with his own. Oh, I miss him...what a beautiful creature he was.
I was in a 2 year relationship with someone who wanted to be someone for me, and not himself. His promises were empty and his words were broken. I believe he did not know any better, but fuck it. I am sick of making that excuse for people. I had quite a few ‘friends’ and this boyfriend who just took and took from me. Exhausted me for everything I was. Saw that I had a fire and passion to better situations and people. It was almost like I became this ‘standard’ for people. This lead to them using me for my kindness, and misunderstood them as weaknesses. Well, they were right. I was weak. I hated myself so deeply that I tried to fix everyone else! I was too blind and thought i was undeserving of my own happiness. SO I FOCUSED ON EVERYONE ELSE’S. Man, did I fuck up. Well my whole entire life has been that. Seeking gratification and validation from everyone else because if you could make someone else happy - then you WERE SOMETHING. You were a part of someone’s happiness - that made you feel good, because you were so heavy in hating yourself ... malicious me!
Well in all this self hate, exhaustion, giving and giving and selling yourself short, asking yourself the same daunting questions OVER & OVER!, no one seeing you for the warrior you are.. for how HARD YOU LOVE, how much pain is in your eyes, but no one can see, SCREAMING INSIDE and can’t get out....alas, here comes this shiny, inviting, heavy-hearted, die-trying...’human being’. The look in his eyes feel more pain than you feel! Then he begins to speak, and immediately - you realize he is just like YOU; but even deeper. He feels the anguish that has subsided in your heart for years and years yet has only grown, leaving your heart to shrink then you barely feel if anything is in there.
Here he is, your ‘breath of fresh air’. You were my escape from myself. A relief. An awakening. An enlightenment... My mindtwin... my heart can never thank you enough for the gift you’ve given me.
He loved so fucking hard, he gave up. He knew there was no one out there that could love him and appreciate him as much as he deserved, yet didn't even realize he deserved it. Well there was me, his ‘mindtwin. I was there - but I was half ass there because so many undeserving people were taking the life out of me that I didn’t have enough to give to him - someone who actually fucking deserved it. Someone who needed it and worked for it! So I let myself go with him, our sense of relief lead to us being in misery - but together. We were together and had one another, but still...we were in the depths of a dark place. And he killed himself in those days. He left me the sweetest note, reassuring me that I was that person to him. That I gave him all i had and he felt it.
BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH.
SO I SAID FUCK IT. I DROPPED THAT LOSER BF & ALL THOSE DEAD-END MOTHERFUCKERS WHO DRAGGED HAPPINESS AWAY FROM MY LIFE TO USE FOR THEIR OWN. I burned the fuck out of those bridges, shortly within days of his death, and when I thought I needed them the most. I chose the hardest thing to do - to be alone with myself and let go of all the toxic people, all while I was dying inside from my own pain and the guilt of his suicide. I let my unhappiness spread to him and I am so sorry for that my sweet, dear friend.
But with him gone, I now had something to prove. To him and myself. I would not waste my heart on those who didn’t fucking matter anymore because I regret not giving the ones who do count for something, a fair chance. I was so weak back then I could not be strong for him. But I live with no regrets and the only way i’d do this, this time, was to live for him and through him. To love even harder than I ever did. For the organic beauty of a natural happiness. I chose to love myself first. But I didn't know how.
Day 390 - here i am, I threw in the towel in being a sad, sad person anymore. I am going to get my life and happiness back. I am so proud of myself. If I can ever bring happiness to anyone else, I need to love myself and be happy first. And very lucky me, I am now with someone who loves as hard as me, and needs his fair chance too. I can only give him my full support to find himself, self love, and his own happiness, if I am strong enough with my own. So I am at the very beginning of this journey to rehabilitate myself and I am just at the point of realizing this. I do not know how this works nor if it is possible, but I live with no regrets so I will die trying.