Struggling
I want to someday drive across the country, documenting the adventure and beauty of the trip, sharing it with the world. This isn’t an original idea. It has been done many times before, but man, it just seems like such an adventure to me and a way to get creative with each new place along the journey. Right now, my money situation is not one that will enable this to occur. At least that’s the story I currently believe in my head.
I have a couple months between contracts right now. Meanwhile, I’m struggling between just taking any old day job just to keep money coming in, which is probably the advice I would get from 90% of everyone (to just take the job - any job), and pursuing the things that I actually want to work on. The thing is, part of the reason I’m in this shit spot is because I took jobs out of desperation before. In fact the day-job that I am in now was a desperation decision. That decision was made 4 years ago. I don’t want to make that mistake again now.
So instead I sit here in strife, trying to figure out what to fucking do with the precious time that I have on this planet. What’s next? What will have the most impact for the most people? How can I make a difference? How can I invest this absolutely precious time in a way that will lead to the most benefit for the most people?
I can share my story in hopes that it inspires and helps others navigate their own evolving legacy. Legacy. I am not going to live forever. What do I want to leave behind so that people know that I have been here and that I was useful? Why do I fucking freak out so much? Why do I feel constant anxiety? Why do I change my mind constantly?
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I thought that I used to. Now, I’m so confused by a life that was not what I had imagined for myself. For so long I choked down the real me to fit into this box that I had made for myself within society. A way for me to support my family financially so that we wouldn’t starve to death. So that I could provide some stability. Now I am so lost in the forest that I cannot tell which way is out. I feel like I simply exist.
I have the grand goal of somehow and someday being able to generate money from my own endeavors. The dream is that I make money, but not from a traditional job that would require me to be someone who I am not. In the meantime, I just fight off being broke and struggle to break even. There is no extra money for living, only enough for survival. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I am not ungrateful. I am just desperately unfulfilled.
Time will pass either way. How much longer do I have? Since nobody knows, there is never any time to waste.
Today has felt like a waste of time, as the remaining minutes, days, hopefully years, of my life tick away. At this point, I at least have this clambering article that I just vented into existence to show for the day, but what the fuck? It feels like I am stuck in molasses and I have no idea how to break free. At least it feels that way - like I don’t know what to do next.
There is so much noise. So much chatter. It is hard to see the signal through this cacophony. There are recurring themes of ideas that I have that come and go in and out of my life. I struggle so much to just pick one of them and stick to it. I believe that this is one of the biggest reasons that I squander. I am really good at starting new things, but I’m not a good finisher.
Maybe this is the path, but it doesn’t feel good. It feels like a soul beating. Perhaps this is the point of it, of life - to beat the excess attachment away so that you can find harmony in your existence. To create an orchestra with the things within in your bubble. To be more than just be. For it to have mattered.
