Happy anniversary to The Stone Roses debut self-titled album. Released this week in 1989. #thestonerose #stoneroses #elephantstone #madeofstone #shebangsthedrums #foolsgold #iwannabeadored #waterfall #iamtheresurrection https://www.instagram.com/p/COX0fD6AaGB/?igshid=ac0fuxfc9ocf
Happy anniversary to The Stone Roses debut self-titled album. Released this week in 1989. #thestonerose #stoneroses #elephantstone #madeofstone #shebangsthedrums #foolsgold #iwannabeadored #waterfall #iamtheresurrection https://www.instagram.com/p/B_sDHSnA1Cu/?igshid=kl7hhqsuozwa
I promised Ocie, so here's a blog entry about my really shitty week and feelings and stuff.
I had a rather fun weekend, last week. It was a three day weekend and I've been still totally exhausted from the work week to do much, so just watching movies all weekend was nice. I did play Munchkin with the local JETs and it was a lot of fun.
But then for some reason, on Tuesday, my chest really started to hurt in it's normal homesick way. It started in the middle of class so there was really nothing to do about it besides try to ignore it and focus more on the lesson. And then it kinda went away so we were good.
Wednesday, I did have kind of a slip up, which might have triggered something. My teacher was the more conservative type and wants me to be a tape recorder, which is fine. At the beginning of class he wanted me to use the name cards and ask the kids some questions. Well, this was the second time I've taught with him and the first real class we've had together so I didn't know how he wanted it. I just did all of the cards because he made no motion as to where I should stop. Before the next class, he told me to only do 10 students and then monitored a bit heavier when I did it again. That was all of the classes for that day, so I was just chilling in the staff room texting Ocie when I just started crying. Kinda just like that. I went to the bathroom and cried there for about 20 minutes, probably more and then tried to dry up and head back to the staff room. I was in there for a bit longer before I had to go back and cry some more.
I just really got homesick and wanted to go home. When I get homesick now, it physically hurts and is so uncomfortable, but that was the first time I just broke and started crying. That night, I asked Matt if he wanted to get dinner and awkwardly spit it out. Don't get me wrong. Matt's super nice, but he has no idea what I'm going through. He said his first real homesick experience was about a month before I came. He doesn't get homesick and he's not the easiest one to talk to, so although he said as always ,"Talk to me whenever and let's hang out." I didn't really take him up on that.
Thursday was bearable but Friday when I was cooking dinner and just felt like I couldn't stand up anymore. My chest physically hurt, I felt like I was going to throw up and cry at the same time. I did talk to my mom a bit before she had to go to work and then I talked a lot to the JET Peer Support group.
My (main) problem is that I've been torturing myself about how long I'm going to stay in Japan. I'm a planner and a worrier so I wanted to know how long I can expect to be here to help me sort out what I wanted to do here, what I wanted to do at home etc. But it's still September, which is super early and everyone is telling me not to worry about it but I can't. I can't help but worry about it. It's an important decision. And what most people back home don't understand is that I have to make it in January, not next year. They need to know so they can find a replacement. So it's a lot earlier than I think.
With a lot of the emotional journey aside, I've learned that I need to stop comparing myself to other people, especially other JETs. I've felt so much pressure from myself, my friends and family and other JETs to stay here for 2 years and make the most out of my experience. And that's what's been bothering me because I don't think I can do that. So I need to learn to accept that I will probably only do 1 year and that's okay. That's my personal best and I should be damn proud. It's my decision and I need to be comfortable with whatever I choose. I'm going to have regrets either way, but I need to do what's best for me.
So with that in mind, knowing that I will probably only do 1 year unless something amazing happens, already has lifted a large weight from my shoulders. I still feel super sad today, but most of the physical pain has subsided, for now. I still tear up randomly, but that's natural and I need to understand that to. It's hard, but I need to be proud of myself for what I've done. Not beat myself up for what I can't do. (Easier said than done.)
