HP Lovecraft’s The Tomb (2007)
Mathematically, 0.999.. is the same as 1, even though technically they aren't quite the same. The concept hadn’t come to mind in years, but it sprung up within 5 minutes of watching The Tomb. This Ulli Lommel film is infinitesimally short of being an actual turd, but only because you can’t actually evacuate your bowels over your DVD player and get anything but a broken, stinky machine.
Tara (Victoria Ullmann) and Billy (Christian Behm) wake up in a dark warehouse filled with Halloween decorations and coffins, covered with wounds. As they explore the building they find more survivors, along with notes from their captor who informs them that “Eight Nails. Who Fails?” and that only one of them will make it out alive.
Technically, the film is titled H.P. Lovecraft The Tomb, (yes, there is a grammatical error in the opening credits) but it has nothing in common with the works of H.P. Lovecraft. There’s nothing good here. Nothing at all. It’s like this picture had an anti-budget, where it was only made using things that people paid Ulli Lomell to take off their hands. There are attempts to be frightening, or at least I think so, using cheap makeup effects, ominous camera filters, plastic skulls, and a few quotes from Lovecraft’s work here and there, but I’ve gotten phone bills scarier than this. The acting is painful to watch, making it obvious from the start that you’d best turn tail, eject the DVD from your machine, and burn it (as if “written, directed and produced by the director of Zombie Nation, Zodiac Killer, B.T.K. Killer and Curse of the Zodiac weren’t hints enough). In their defense, I’m not sure I can blame the actors, as it appears no written script was given to them, just a general direction of what they were supposed to say.
The plot is repetitive, confusing, and boring. It’s less than an hour and twenty minutes long and I nearly fell asleep several times. It's hard to stay awake when you don’t care about anything. None of the characters are interesting and the plot’s not original. It’s a Saw knockoff, complete with lines about “playing a game”, creepy footage on television sets, and weird-looking puppets. The only thing it’s missing is crazy torture gadgets, but those would necessitate talent, creativity, and money. How about a couple of attempted rape scenes instead? And it all comes down to an ending that makes large chunks of the running time completely irrelevant. The puppet master behind these murders is nothing special and their motivation is the embodiment of lame.
When I get rid of a movie, I try and give it a new life. I'll trade it in to a used media store, let my friends take it if they want, I’ll even leave it on the curb for someone to grab or donate it to charity garage sales. The Tomb is going into the trash. There’s nothing here I’d wish to inflict upon anyone. It's just short of an actual crime. If you see it out there, even if the profits are going to a good cause, it's not worth giving The Tomb the satisfaction of being acknowledged. This is one of the worst films you could ever subject yourself to. (On DVD, May 29, 2016)
