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No brother of mine

I was actually planning on writing this a few days ago, I hadn’t heard from you in awhile, and honestly I didn’t care to hear from you. But like most strange occurrences between us, that was the day you once again decided to make your presence known, The message was vague and really didn’t mean shit but that’s how you’ve come to handle and regard me these past couple of years.

I had more bitterness and angst in me when I was first going to write this, but I honestly don’t care anymore, and I have good reason for it. You haven’t been a good friend or brother to me. You don’t have to admit it (that’s one of those things about you, you don’t admit that you’ve done something wrong and try to spin it, on the other person), but we both know it’s true.

Let me save you the excuse you’re gonna give yourself or whoever you decide to share this with. “Oh I’m busy, I can’t talk, I can’t text, I really don’t want to speak to you that often, you’re a selfish person” etc, and yes these are all real thing’s you’ve said to me. You try to make me feel like I was some bad person that had done something wrong, and now I know, that’s simply not true.

Now first I was compliant, and as my friend (and I don’t regard you as such anymore) I gave you as much space as you needed. On the rare occassion I did want or need 5 mins of my brothers time you acted like I was asking you for your blood. And that’s not how a friend is supposed to make another friend feel. It made me feel really bad about myself, and had me searching within myself wondering what I was doing wrong, and how I can not drive my brother away from me.

So I took certain steps to make sure I left you alone, and that we only spoke when need be. (Funny because in all actuality we don’t need to speak to each other at all). So I erased your number, so I wouldn’t be tempted to check in with my brother to see how he’s doing or tell him what’s going on with me, you know the way friends are supposed to do? But as I’m writing this, I’m realizing that you don’t treat your other friends like this, your real friends, so it’s just affirming that friends and brothers we never really were.

But what was funny, that as I was learning to get along in life without you, you were the selfish one actually. Because when you wanted to talk or vent or whatever I was supposed to give you all of my undivided attention and be here for you. While you paid me complete dust, when I needed you, So after awhile on the rare occasion we did speak, it was all about you. What was going on in your life, and was a brother for you, when you’ve called me in times of panic and distress, and I didn’t turn you away, the way you’ve done me.

In all actuality you shouldn’t have come to me with any bad news in your life, because you never cared to share the good news in your life. But that’s how you took advantage of me, I was only worthy of your time when you couldn’t find anybody else to be a shoulder for you to lean on.

It started to actually be funny to me after awhile that somebody who I considered my brother and really put myself out there for, would rather watch paint dry then have to much to do with me. Or you were always to busy breathing or chewing gum to be bothered with anything that I needed.

And even with all these new restrictions you put on our friendship you still expected me to be the same person you needed me to be, when you needed me to be it. How did you think that would work? if you treat me different I will act different. And that was a problem for you, and you try to make yourself feel better by blaming my new attitude on me not wanting anything for myself or whatever you tell yourself to not face the fact that you’re a fucked up person, just like everybody else. Your just better at hiding it. The philanthropy thing and civil rights activities is a good mask...... I’m that was petty rude and mean, and I’m not writing this to take shots, because I do feel you care about the greater good, and happiness of others, I’m just the exception.

But in your absence and lack of presence in my life, I’ve learned a lot about myself. And you and a few other people have really done me wrong, hurt me very badly and have changed how I deal with people, have changed how I see the world, changed the way I treat myself and others, and may have possibly ruined any kind of friendship I can have with others. But it’s up to me to me to not let it happen. I’ve been through the sad part, and the I’m so sorry please love me brother part, and the well fuck you too part.

Now I simply don’t care, and that’s why I can write this. I’m in a clear mind. You never really meant me any good, and some of the things you wrote about me or in reference to me are really unfair and inaccurate. If you’re uncomfortable with yourself it has nothing to do with me, I’m gonna be myself and won’t change for you. But I see you’re the kind of person that can’t be honest with hisself and his own flaws and faults. Everything is always everybody else and never you. And people have let you get away with that fucked up thought process, I’m calling you out on it, but you won’t really hear me though.

So, at this point in life, I’m hurt and trying to recover, and it’s not all your fault. You ain’t the only person that shitted on me, used me up and threw me away, but I refuse to be destroyed by it. It’s changed me drastically and I’ll never be the same again. The person you first met is dead and you’ll never see him again. I think that’s why you still hit me up once every 3 months, you’re still hoping to hear from that same person. But look at how you treated that person you once knew, you made him feel like shit on the bottom of your shoe, no person can survive being ignored and neglected like that.

I know you have a busy life, and you will be busy until the day you die, And it is no longer in my interest to disrupt that constantly busy, no time for me kind of life that you will live forever. And I’m ok with that, I’m convinced the old you was just a figment of my imagination, and you don’t really exist. The person I see now seems about right with how people really are.

Make no error, you may never want to to admit it, but I was a good friend and a awesome brother to you, never asked you for nothing but your time, and you made me feel like I asked you for the world, You’ve chosen to keep yourself out of sight and now you are out of my mind. I’ll never actually know you, I see that now, we’ll never actually have a face to face conversation, we’ll never really be in each others presence, I’ll never really know who you are and vice versa, because you don’t really care, and because of that neither do I.

So if you think the random hello I get from you, is a good deed or doing me a favor. You can just stop, it does nothing for me, I used to be happy to hear from you, and now I feel nothing. I think you’ve been wanting to end this friendship for about 3 years now lol. But a person like you who’s all about image, would feel bad, but feeling bad wouldn’t have had actually anything to do with me. So I’ll do you this favor and end it for you, so you can go to sleep every night and lie and convince yourself that you really tried. I’ll always know the truth and one day you’ll keep it real with yourself I’m sure.

But now I’m out to live my life like you’ve been living yours, and am only going to love those that love me, value those who value me, care for those that care for me. You don’t fall into those categories anymore, and I’m not going to let you make me feel worthless. So I’ll be alright, and if I’m not, who cares, not you.