Vampdoc: 5/19/2018 Prompt
Today’s prompt was provided by @adeptussquid!
Prompt #5: A vampire is learning how to be a doctor in modern times, and must deal with performing surgery. Hilarity ensues.
As always, don’t hesitate to leave critique in my asks or my notes!
----------------------------------------------------
The bustle of the ER was especially intense today. A gas explosion down the block had resulted in a number of casualties- numbering well into the thirties by the final tally. Doctors and assistants ran about in a blur, medical jargon flying around the space as those patients who were quite a great deal luckier than the others in terms of injury questioned- selfishly- as to when they would be seen. One such particular doctor was a woman by the name of Luna Beauregard- an accomplished surgeon and holder of multiple prestigious rewards.
At least, officially.
The truth of the matter was that Luna Beauregard had died a very long time ago. Then known as Lanette Boudreaux, she had gone through a number of different lives since her official death. Now, one might think it strange that someone like her was employed at a hospital... Much less as a surgeon, considering the nasty case of hemophilia that the condition intends to imply. Luna, as she was calling herself, was a well trained and seasoned vampire. Yes, vampire. The method through which she subsisted was by hypnotizing the staff in charge of the on-site blood bank, and taking what she needed through those means... Of course, with hypnotism now on the narrative table, it should hopefully be quite easy to guess why she held the position she held.
Supernatural bullshit.
Luna had been an employee of St. John's Memorial Hospital for a touch under two weeks. With no real credentials and no real experience- it was a miracle that she had even lasted this long. With fast talking and fast application of her feminine and supernatural wiles, she was able to scrape by one day at a time... Though a piece of her couldn't help but think that this was- quite possibly- the worst decision that she had ever made in terms of 'work placement', as she had begun to call it. Today was a prime example of how woefully underprepared she was... Seated in her office as the rest of the staff zoomed about the building with urgency, she sat with her feet kicked up on the desk reading through the latest edition of 'Vogue' with a phone and her wallet nearby.
The office, of course, actually belonged to the woman whose place she had taken. The original Luna had indeed been a successful surgeon with a list of accomplishments one hundred miles long, but she could not have accounted for the sudden life change of becoming a vampire's dinner. In her absence, this false Luna had taken her place... Even moved in with the late Beauregard's husband! Of course, with the fact that she had taken this woman's office, titles, and accomplishments? It meant that the very same expectations were placed upon her than had been upon the real thing. Which meant that it should not have surprised her nearly so much when third year surgical intern Renee Wilson slammed her palms down on her desk- having entered without drawing Luna's notice.
"You BITCH!" She exclaimed, her gaze withering as Luna casually looked up from her book.
"Oh, me? A bitch? Darling I save LIVES! What kind of bitch does that, huh? That's right. Not one." The 'doctor' huffed, turning her attention back to her magazine. That is, until a full cup of pencils was thrown directly at her face- falling all over the floor and her lap. There was little more she could do than sit in stunned silence- else risk the possibility of baring her fangs and hissing... So she sat, giving the thousand yard stare to the folded down pages of her magazine as she processed what had just happened.
"Okay. Alright. So you're serious, fine. Why are all you interns so freakin' hormonal? What, did I sleep with you some night and not call you back? D'you wanna' go have hate sex in the elevator or something? This is how that usually goes, right?" If Renee had been red in the face before, now she was practically on the verge of exploding. There was a reason that Luna jumped to that conclusion of course... A great deal of research had gone into her decision to take up this position, and she wasn't about to let it go to waste. Not after everything that poor Meredith Grey had gone through!
"Un fucking believable. Doctor Beauregard, we have a situation in the ER that needs all hands on deck. That includes you. So what the Hell are you doing in this office reading fashion magazines!" Renee reached across the desktop, snatching the magazine from the stunned Luna's hands with a harsh whip of paper before it was handedly discarded into the trash bin beside the door. "Now get out here and pick your interns. You're performing a thoracic aortic dissection repair in OR one in NOW." Renee stormed out of the room without another word, as Luna launched herself out of her chair in a bid to quickly follow after her to ask what she had just said. A thoraxic what? That sounded complicated!
Nervously, Luna tugged at her collar as she made her way out after Renee... Where the hell was OR one again? This was usually the part where the show cut right to the action. She was never told that hospitals were such ridiculous labyrinths! Map... Map map map. The woman's eyes feverishly searched about for some manner of navigational assistance, eventually settling on a large map of the hospital's fire escape routes in the hall. From the looks of it, OR one was all the way on the top floor of the four story hospital... On the farthest side of the bloody building.
Because of course it was.
So she ran. Full tilt, her laniard with name badge swinging to and fro so intensely that it quite literally slapped a passing Nurse right on the bridge of the nose. Luna didn't stop when the woman gasped and clutched at her wound- however... Heedless of the fact that her plastic card had, somehow, ripped open the woman's flesh. It was taking a great deal of restraint to keep her pace measured. After all, she was a creature of the night! AND a certified medical professional! There was a very specific art to running in these situations according to the hospital shows, so she had to honor tradition!
By the time she arrived at the OR, she was plenty able to fake being out of breath; in truth it was likely no small part due to the fact that she was a VERY un-athletic bloodsucker. Un-athletic, and unb-coordinated. She opened the door to the prep room with an impressively stoney face despite her exhaustion, moving to the sinks and beginning to scrub in with surprising efficiency. As she did, one of the doctors assisting entered and spoke with a dreamily warm- yet extremely condescending voice, "Doctor Beauregard... Have you chosen your interns? You aren't planning on going in there without them, are you?" Luna lifted her gaze, affixing him with the withering gaze of a professional actress feigning intense disapproval.
"With all due respect, Doctor... D-doctor. I don't need interns to scrub in on a surgery I know better than my own right hand. If anything, they would only get in the way. A... An uh... A Thoraxic Reduction Distection is textbook. Step by step. If anything I'm insulted that you think so little of me as to suggest I need interns."
Doctor Doctor lifted a brow at her, running a rag over his hands with an 'are you serious?' stare on his face clear as day. But soon enough, and much to Luna's surprise? He chuckled... Shooting her a devilish smirk as those dreamy, dreamy eyes drank her in. "That's the attitude I like... Alright then, Doctor. The stress is getting to you, I can tell... But, we'll get this done." Luna's response came as a haughty huff as she finished scrubbing in, holding her hands out towards him as she innocently tilted her head.
"Gloves?" "Yeah, I'll be your intern for the next fifteen seconds." As he began to slide the surgical gloves over her hands, her own expression twisted into a visage equally as devilish. "If you're my intern, then what do you think about meeting me in the break room in ward C after we save this man's life?" The gloves on, he gave her a roguish wink.
"Save her life, and I'll think about it." Well, these mistakes happen when you don't read your patients charts.
This patient was a woman. That was what the expression on Luna's face said, and it was one that earned a tremendous laugh from the surgeon assisting. A laugh that continued even as she pressed her back to the door, rolling her eyes as she entered the OR without even putting a face mask on. The faux-doctor strode towards the woman on the table, humming all the way there as she finally arrived tableside... Her eyes wandered up to the observation room- where she noticed at least a dozen people sitting in to watch. A quite "Yes" slipped between Luna's lips as she looked back to her patient, and realized quite quickly...
She hadn't a single clue on how to go about cutting a person open for surgical purposes. Sure, she had some knowledge of old world medicine... But leeches weren't going to fix a thoraxic whatever the fuck. Her eyes widened as the other three surgeons filed into the room to assist- watching her expectantly as she acted like a mannequin. One minute passed... Two. Three. Four. Five minutes passed in complete and utter silence, before finally, one of the other surgeons in the room suggested in a biting tone- "Doctor Beauregard! The longer you delay, the further this patient declines! You need to start the procedure now!" With that goading, the vampiress was roused from her stupor.
"Doctor Acula, the longer you scream at me like a little baby, the longer this patient goes without care. God... Shouldn't you be more in awe of me or something? I mean, I'm the Meredith!" Despite the childish nature of the retort, the hypnotic nature of her voice seemed well beyond capable of quelling his well founded scrutiny. Now that the rude one had been dealt with? It was time to do a Thalatonic Hysterectomy.
Luna would have known what to do, for certain. Yet Lanette was none the wiser. Instinct was something with which a vampiress was exceedingly close... But this time, it was going to betray her. Her right hand grasped a ten blade from the instrument tray beside her, staring at it with a completely deadpan look in her eyes before she decided to begin the procedure—
And made the first cut. Expert work being put in to the incision- and not even a flinch as the blood made itself visible. "Suction." She commanded dryly, placing the ten blade down and picking up a pair of clamps. She shoved these into the incision- forcing it apart in a grotesque sloshing of bone and meat. "Hold it. I'm going to begin the Thoraxaholic Disgenuation." The grip on the clamps was taken by the attending who had spoken against her just earlier- now stoneface calm as she began to work. It was all textbook. Professional as all Hell. At least it would have been, if it was even the proper procedure. At least it wouyld've been if it weren't for one glaring fact.
Everyone in the room, and everyone in the observation room, was staring straight ahead with a dead emptiness in their eyes. Lanette, however, was still staring blankly at the instrument in her hand. She looked between it and the doctors across from her, humming thoughtfully before lifting the scalpel in hand- and jamming it into the patient's chest cavity. "There. Thorakoxic whatever is now done! Uh..." The others would be trapped in that illusion for quite a while. She hadn't had a chance to study the actual procedure- but all that she needed to keep consistent with reality in her little illusion was that the procedure took at least 48 hours. She had glimpsed the board, so it was a simple matter to make it last that long in dreamland.
Speaking of dreamland, her own was over before it even had a chance to begin. That realization became apparent as she let out a harsh sigh and a shake of her head.
"Well uhm... I shouldn't waste this. In the name of professionalism and... Whatever." Vampires had uses for freshly expired individuals, after all. After she snuck out of here and left the name of Luna Beauregard behind, she could use a ghoul to stand in as her assistant for her next undertaking...
The judicial system was full of bullshit, right? She could make a killing as a defense lawyer! Lord save them all.