House Hunters
by: mldrgrl Rated: PG Summary: Inspired enough by @thexofiles latest episode that I think this qualifies as a Go Fic Yourself. The premise being: What would Mulder and Scully be like house hunting together? Set in the revival era.
The first time they settled down to live together, it was out of necessity and not so much by choice. The rickety old house was purchased in secret, many years before it actually became necessary, selected for its inconspicuous and remote location, not for practicality or aesthetics. Regardless, it was home for them for many years, until it wasn’t.
It was Scully who tentatively started dropping hints that maybe “we” should look for something closer to work, now that they were back at the FBI. Maybe “we” should look for something permanent. Maybe “we” should talk about seeing a realtor.
At their realtor’s suggestion, the two of them sat down to make a list of the top ten things they were interested in out of a house, with the idea that at least half of those were going to need to be sacrificed. Apparently, a perfect home did not exist, but something in the neighborhood of comfortably inhabitable would be attainable. They returned to the office, both knowing full well that their lists would probably look a lot different.
“Maybe we should just get a RV,” Mulder said. “We’d save the department a ton of dough on accommodations if we just drove it from case to case. I bet we could even write it off on our taxes as a business expense. Everyone wins.”
“Sure,” Scully said, handing him a legal pad. “What we save on hotels, we’ll make up for with diesel fuel. Write down the first ten things that come to mind.”
Mulder sighed and picked up his pencil. Scully finished her list first, but he was stuck on number eight, doodling a picture of an Airstream camper at the bottom corner of his paper. She cleared her throat and he tapped his pencil as he closed his eyes and then quickly wrote down the first two things that popped into his head. They traded legal pads.
“You’re not taking this seriously,” Scully said, frowning at his list.
“What do you mean?”
“Number two. Haunted.”
“You said to write down the first things that came to mind, and I would not pass up a haunted house just on the fact that it’s haunted.”
“First of all, there’s no such thing as a haunted house.”
“Tell that to Maurice and Lyda.”
“Second of all, I’m just going to repeat my first of all.”
“Legally, a realtor has to disclose to potential buyers if a house is haunted.”
“Well then, if that happens, we won’t even be looking at that house.”
“How can they disclose something that doesn’t exist then? Hm?” Mulder raised his brows at her and folded his hands behind his head as he sat back in his chair.
“You really want a detached garage?”
“Changing the subject, I see.” He grinned. “Yeah, attached garages kind of freak me out.”
“Attached garages freak you out, but not haunted houses?”
“Why is two full bathrooms underlined and followed by about twenty-five asterisks on your list?”
“Because I shared a bathroom with you for seven years and I’m not about to do that again.”
“What if it had one of those double vanities with the two sinks and you could have one side and I could have the other?”
“As long as an alternate shower and toilet exist elsewhere in the house, I can be negotiable on that.”
“We both have bathtub on our list, did you see that?”
“I did, though I’ve never known you to ever take a single bath since I’ve known you.”
“No, but you enjoy a nice bath. And I enjoy watching you enjoy a nice bath.”
Scully glanced up at Mulder and graced him with a small smile before she looked back down at his list. She crossed off number two and circled number five, the bathtub.
“Scully, I think you’ve been watching too much HGTV.”
“Why?”
“We definitely don’t need space for entertaining.”
“I did not put space for entertaining.”
“‘Open kitchen’ is just codeword for ‘space for entertaining.’”
“Fine. I’ll take open kitchen off my list, if you take detached garage off yours.”
Mulder pursed his lips and gave the bottom one a few tugs. “Deal.”
They both put lines through the items on the lists in front of them and then Mulder drew another line after that.
“Hey,” Scully said, reaching over to flick his pencil with hers. “What else are you putting a line through?”
“No one needs granite countertops and an artistic backsplash.”
“It looks nice and it’s easy to clean.”
“You love subway tiles and you know it. Are you telling me that’s going to make or break a deal on a house?”
Scully sighed. “Probably not.”
Mulder finished putting his line through her item number six.
“I put three bedrooms as well,” she said.
“Were you thinking one for us and two for all the guests we’re entertaining and impressing in our open kitchen with the fancy backsplash?”
“Jackass.”
“Because I figured I’d want an office, and you probably would too. But, if we need more rooms for all these guests or you were thinking a craft room would be nice, we’re going to have to revise our strategy.”
“You do realize I’m licensed to carry a weapon again, don’t you?”
“I do.”
“And that you’re arguing with me over something we actually agree on?”
“I was just looking for clarification.”
“For clarification, guest rooms and craft rooms never crossed my mind.”
“Well, there’s only three things we actually agree on from our lists: three bedrooms, a bathtub, and gas appliances.”
“Is there anything else you absolutely have to have?”
“A porch.”
“Really?”
“One of my favorite things was always to sit with you on our porch.” Mulder looked down at the legal pad for a few moments. “I guess it might not make or break the choice though.”
“Well then, I get to choose fireplace.”
“Over central heating?”
“Same reason,” she said, glancing up at him while she circled the porch on his list.
“Let’s talk about location. On the count of three, we’ll both say where we’re thinking.”
“Okay.”
“One, two, three. Suburbs.”
“DC.”
They both paused and then at the same time, repeated what the other had said with questions marks.
“You want to live in the city?” Mulder asked.
“It would make the commute so much easier.”
“The commute wouldn’t be that bad from Chevy Chase or Arlington. We could ride the train together. Read the Weekly World News on the way in for research.”
“But, the city has...art, culture, nightlife.”
Mulder raised his brows. “Scully, your idea of nightlife is staying up late to read the latest issue of JAMA.”
“And you couldn’t even last four days in Arcadia Falls, what makes you think you could suddenly fit into a neighborhood?”
“I'm actually going to accept it as a compliment that I I’m not all that crazy about the idea of a condo or a townhouse, which is probably all we’d be able to find here. Suburbs are like the perfect hybrid of city and middle of nowhere. And there’s more space so you get more bang for your buck.”
“Look at you being sensible.”
“I've always been sensible.”
Scully arched her brow.
“I can't help it if we have different ideas of what being sensible entails,” he said.
“Mmhm. Well, you also have ‘no HOAs’ on your list.”
“Not all neighborhoods have HOAs.”
“Okay, fine, but I get to keep walk-in closets on my list. And start with Virginia. I’d rather live in Virginia than Maryland.”
Scully got up and pushed her chair from the front side of Mulder’s desk, around to his side and he moved over to give her room as he opened his laptop. He typed in the address for the website their realtor gave them and started clicking on boxes to cater their search results for the things they were looking for.
“I thought this was supposed to narrow things down,” Mulder said. “There are still ninety-four listings on here.”
“Well, the first two are already a no. Scroll down.”
“How can you tell?”
“The first one looks like a barn and the second is just simply unattractive. Keep going.”
They scrolled through listings for the next hour, agreeing only on what was wrong with each house they looked at, but disagreeing on what they actually liked. Photos of the front exterior alone got them through the first two pages without even stopping to open the listing.
“No,” Mulder said, vetoing the first house Scully was actually interested in.
“No?” Scully started listing the positives on her fingers as she read them off. “Porch, three bedrooms, two and a half baths, detached garage.”
“It’s too new.”
“Mulder, it was built in 1989. So help me, if you somehow think that lessens the chances for it being haunted, I’ll-”
“Anything built after 1960 lacks character. But, don’t worry, there’s always a chance anything we find could be built on an ancient burial ground.”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear, thank you.”
The next listing they explored of a quaint stone house had them both interested, but there was a lot to look past in the pictures of the interior.
“Is that…” Mulder cocked his head and shifted his reading glasses a little higher on his nose. “Are those clowns on that wallpaper?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Wallpaper can be taken down.”
“Red shag carpet!”
“Carpet can be replaced.”
“No, no, I’m voting keep it. When have you ever seen red shag carpet? I think we need to visit this one just to see this.”
“It is really ticking off all the items on the list…but, the interior is going to need work.”
“Hey, who got up on a ladder and patched the roof before that spring storm that flooded the pond?”
“Leon from Patch-It Up roof repair.”
“Exactly. The point is there are people out there that do those kinds of things.”
Scully laughed. “I guess it can’t hurt to look. The exterior is gorgeous.”
“Write down number 73877CN.”
And the next few pages didn’t offer much to look at, but gave Mulder a lot to say:
“I think we should make an offer exclusively for the replica of the Venus de Milo in the front yard.”
“I don’t think that’s a third bedroom so much as the walk-in closet you were wanting.”
“I’d really like to add the slogan ‘built by Hobbits, for Hobbits’ onto this listing.”
“Is it just me, or does that single window make the house look like a judgmental cyclops?”
“Stop,” Scully said, pushing Mulder’s hand away from the trackpad and going back to a listing of an immaculate-looking Craftsman home he had passed by. “This is cute.”
“It’s very...blue.”
“That’s just paint. Look. Built in 1935, recently remodeled. Four bedrooms, two and three quarter bathrooms. A mudroom...I didn’t even think of that. Gas stove. Gas fireplace. Front porch. Back patio. Double vanities.”
“All your dreams coming true right there. But, no walk-in closets.”
“No...I can sacrifice that though. I really like this.”
“We should take a look at it then. 44415JL.”
“Do you think we might be able to see it today?”
“I don’t know, call Marie and ask.”
Scully leaned across Mulder to pick up the phone and call their realtor while he continued browsing the listings.
“It’s still available, but there have been offers,” Scully said, when she hung up the phone. “We can go now and take a look.”
“Alright.” Mulder closed the laptop.
Scully pushed the chair back to the front of Mulder's desk and then put on her blazer. “We shouldn't get our hopes up,” she said. “They might already be considering one of the other offers.”
“True.”
“Or maybe it's just too good to be true in the first place.”
“Could be.”
“I mean, there has to be something wrong with it, right?”
“Nothing is ever really perfect.”
“But, what if we really do like it and we're too late?”
Mulder put his hands on Scully's shoulders and gave them a squeeze. “This is just the first house of many we'll probably be looking at.”
“Did you submit the credit report like I asked you to?”
It had been a long time since Mulder used this particular tactic to shut Scully up, but he leaned down and kissed her so she would stop talking. It didn't work, she still went on with his lips mashed to hers.
“Of course there's always the chance it wouldn't pass inspection for some reason,” she said.
Mulder pulled back and squeezed her shoulders again. “You have got to be the only person on the planet that manages to have buyers remorse before you've even bought something.”
“I'm simply trying to be realistic.”
“There'll be no realism in this venture, Scully, I won't stand for it.”
“This is going to be our house for the...the foreseeable and distant future. It’s...we’re going to have to see ourselves in it not just for now, but…”
Mulder dropped his head again to speak softly by her mouth. “We’re looking for a house we can grow old in together, is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”
“That’s four things we agree on then.”
Scully reached up and wiped a smudge of her lipstick from Mulder’s mouth.
“And if this one doesn’t work out,” he said. “We can always check out the one with the red shag carpet.”
“Yeah, we could do that.”
Mulder grinned and put his hand on the small of Scully’s back as he turned the light out in the office.
The End