can you still have a heart?
> yes
> no
1 file found; irene sterling
> general
name: irene sterling . aliases: ren, dr. sterling . face claim: amber rose revah . pronouns: she / her . gender: cis female . sexuality: lesbian . age: 32 . birth date: dec. 28 . title: cardiology fellow .
> physical
height: five foot five . build: lean, semi-athletic . hair: dark, curly brown hair. often pulled back into a bun or into a scrub cap. eyes: dark brown . piercings: helix and lobe piercing . features: freckles on cheeks (minimal) + shoulders .
demeanor: confident. shoulders back, head held high . smile: warm, strained and forced after a long day . gaze: sharp, assessing, critical . voice: low, smooth, quick .
> mental
positives: attentive, charming, driven, likable . neutrals: cautious, analytical . negatives: emotionally distant, controlling, dishonest . likes: tea, early mornings, organization, respect, fairness . dislikes: being gossiped / joked about, mismanagement, incompetence, cold weather . fears: losing everything she's worked for, being caught in a lie .
> personal
ethnicity: iranian-american . languages: english, farsi, quaranic arabic . religion: raised muslim ; atheist . birthplace: irvine, california . education: harvard (bio ; undergrad), columbia (med school) .
ambitions: becoming chief of cardiovascular surgery, earning respect in her field . habits: does pre-op instrument and patient checks herself, jogs to work every morning, memorizes patient info for post-op checks . hobbies: jogging, cooking, reading (often medical journals), traveling when she has time off work .
> biographical
> tw: divorce, racism & misogyny
ren's parents had always had wildly different ideas of what her future would look like: her mother, a well-respected surgeon and chief of surgery at a large california hospital, had always hoped her daughter would follow in her footsteps, or at the very least, enter a field equally as prestigious- law, or a stem field at the very least. meanwhile, her father, a iranian immigrant, while hoping his daughter could explore her passions, still hoped she'd succeed in whatever field she chose.
her mother was sharp and strict, but her only intention with her parenting was to give her daughter the best chance at success she could manage; she was the only person in her life who called her irene. her father, cautious, but kind and hopeful, called her ren.
throughout her childhood, her parents' marriage had become strained- long hours on her mother's part, her father's desire to give ren an upbringing that, although it pressured her less than her mother had, was more traditional in its nature. these clashes grew steadily as she aged, and at eleven, sprouted into an argument that they simply couldn't resolve.
the divorce was quick and clean; pressure from her mother's work ultimately hindered any attempt at joint custody. ren, young and devastated, held out hope for years that they'd eventually reconcile. without them, it seemed, her mother's career continued to flourish, while her father started picking up extra jobs and more shifts to provide for the two of them.
even as her parents' presence in her life decreased, ren only felt the pressure to succeed grow. maybe, she believed, if she'd work hard enough, she'd make them both proud enough to earn their attention, their time, their love again.
school, while not easy for her, was the only metric that ren felt she could use to show her parents that she was enough. through sleepless nights and hours of studying, she eventually clawed her way up to valedictorian, to a spot at a great school, to some measure of success that taught her more than how to get a 4.0. it taught her that even if it wasn't her parents' attention that she earned, it certainly gave her the respect of her peers and teachers.
and that feeling was addicting.
ren spent med school chasing it, trying to be liked, be top of a class full of high achievers just like her, to get into the best residency programs and the hardest specialties. it wasn't easy, and it sharpened her; there wasn't time to be social, to be kind, if every one else was also trying to push everyone else down. cardiology was complex and cardiologists are renowned- it seemed perfect to a girl who was entranced by the path to the top of the world.
she started her surgical internship at a large hospital in dc. and immediately, everything fell apart. her senior resident told her to smile more when she spoke up for herself, heard her speak to her father in farsi over the phone and asked if her spot in the program was better suited to someone who was "from here". the no-nonsense, driven, and intense person she'd become didn't fit easily into her supervisor's idea of a good doctor (or, at least, that was what she told herself- the idea that it wasn't something she could change felt out of the question).
so, she shifted. she didn't become any less sharp, but to everyone around her, ren sterling had become... nice. warm. she smiled, spoke to patients in a way that seemed earnest, brought in coffees for the night shift when she came in and offered help whenever it appeared necessary.
it worked better than she'd expected; this new version of her earned ren the respect of her supervisor, better conversations with higher-caliber surgeons, some sort of camaraderie with her fellow interns- even if it was built upon forced smiles and lines she'd practice in the mirror every night.
she resented the persona she'd made for herself. her ambition hadn't stalled, but this bubbly, kind version of herself made her feel like she was dulling her edge. every now and then, she'd slip; make a comment too sharp, narrow her gaze at a coworker, and she'd be back on the outs again, so she did everything in her power to make sure it never happened.
at the end of her second year of residency, she couldn't stand it anymore. she found an open spot at the harbour view metropolitan in new york, applied for a transfer, and got it.
she wasn't sure if it was fear or habit that made her walk into her first day at the harbour with a smile and greet people warmly. but she'd put herself forward as the warm, kind surgeon, and it had become too late to show her real self again.
her residency at the harbour is better; her talent becoming more of the focus than her persona, but she doesn't trust this place enough to let her guard down. instead, she becomes more analytical, and uses her attentive nature to tailor herself to others. it becomes easier; start smiling when she walks inside the hospital and drop it when she walks out.
when her residency is up, she's accepted to a cardiology fellowship- finally starting to work her way up to the position she's always wanted.
but even that doesn't make her happy; she still feels trapped in the persona she's made for herself, but believes it to be her only path to success. the resentment, now settled deep in her chest, has only made her colder. the warm persona she's built up becomes more of a lie as it continues; it's harder to be empathetic, to be kind, when she hates the fact that she's doing it. ren's starting to slip more- at first, she convinced herself that she was testing the waters, seeing how much of herself she could be, but a part of her knows that she's losing her control over it. the anger has built up, and it's starting to crumble not only the persona she's built up for herself, but potentially everything she's worked for.
can you still have a heart?
> yes
> no
1 file found; levi holden
> tw: past addiction
> general
name: levi holden . aliases: holden, dr. holden . face claim: charlie rowe . pronouns: he / him . gender: cis male . sexuality: bisexual . age: 30 . birth date: sep. 1 . title: 4th-year resident .
> physical
height: five foot eleven . build: skinny . hair: brown, fluffy hair, parted on one side and grown out lightly ; often messy . eyes: brown . piercings: none . features: short, scruffy facial hair, not quite a beard .
demeanor: gentle, easygoing . smile: soft, quick and often quirked slightly to the side . gaze: wandering, tender . voice: light, clear, expressive .
> mental
positives: earnest, gentle, highly empathetic . neutrals: cautious, self-aware, introverted, independent . negatives: self-deprecating, insecure, too forgiving . likes: dogs, helping others, flannel jackets, routine, listening & being listened to . dislikes: overbearing / hyper-extroverted people, traveling, alcohol . fears: relapsing, people judging him based off his past, losing his family .
> personal
ethnicity: ashkenazi jewish . languages: english . religion: jewish . birthplace: queens, new york . education: suny ( pre-med ), new york university (med school) .
goals: helping others recover, falling in love . habits: exercises before work, clicks pens when anxious, picks at the skin of his fingers . hobbies: journaling, birdwatching, baking, biking .
> biographical
>tw: car accident, sibling death, drug use & addiction, overdose (non-fatal)
levi's spent his whole life in new york; his family lived in the city, and he grew up with most of his extended family present around him. the bustle and noise was fun- big family, big city, he loved the excitement of it all.
his parents and older brother, oren, fostered a love of learning within him. on weekends, oren would take him out to museums in the city, and (even if he would jokingly complain about it) he loved the documentaries his parents would show him. levi grew to be a voracious reader, an excitable kid, and a dedicated member of his community. he and his family were extremely close, especially so with his brother.
oren died when levi was thirteen.
they would walk home from school together, and since levi was still in middle school, he'd wait by the school gates for oren to arrive before starting off together. that day, however, he would never come; hit by a car in a crosswalk, hitting his head and falling into a coma he would never wake up from.
the death tore the family apart.
levi, once a bright, curious child, withdrew. he became quiet, angry, his grades slipped and he stayed away from home. where the warmth and noise of his family's apartment was once a comfort, all it became was a reminder of someone who was no longer there. his parents became distant, his mother consumed with grief and his father escaping into work to avoid being home. coping felt like an impossibility.
he started using at fifteen; knew some people at his school who did, and the pain had become too much and was so desperate for any out that he just couldn't take it. addiction grew quick, isolated from his family and presented with the opportunity to forget.
for a while, nobody knew. he'd leave home early in the morning, meet a friend or two who he could score from, and spend his days high as a kite- ditching class and letting his curiosity and his hope for things to get better slowly disappear. for a while, he was careful about it, sobering up (or at least pretending to be) around his family, just enough so nobody would notice.
after enough time, though, he stops caring. he comes home high, does lines in his room, and takes money from his parents' wallet to fund the habit. of course, his family takes notice. his parents, desperate not to lose another son, try their best to help him, he goes through a rehab program at seventeen and barely stays clean for three days after he gets out.
he knows it's hurting his family, he knows it's hurting himself, but the idea of facing everything- the grief left unresolved, the problems that he's made for himself and the hurt his actions had caused- feel like all too much. it's easier to spiral, to sink deeper into the hole he digs for himself, instead of trying to climb back out.
levi overdoses at nineteen. dropped out of high school (he hadn't been on track to graduate, anyway), getting high at home while his parents are away, he just... doesn't realize how much he's taken.
his father comes home to find him passed out on the couch, barely breathing and unresponsive.
levi wakes up in the hospital three days later. for the first day, he's entirely disappointed with the fact that he's alive, resentful of the fact he has to keep going forward.
but, as he's forced to withdraw and physically recover from his overdose, his perspective shifts. even if his family is distant- angry and afraid in a way levi can't blame them for- the nurses are kind and gentle. the first specialist they send in to speak with him actually listens.
for the first time in four years, levi is clean, and becomes determined to stay that way. he goes to rehab (again), and starts going to meetings when he's released from that program. he cuts ties with his old friends.
he gets his ged at twenty and goes to college locally. pre-med, because that er stay had changed- and saved- his life; if he could do that for just one person, it would be worth it.
originally, his plan had been nursing, but as levi tried to figure out who he was without the drugs, he'd realized that he needed something to fill the void, and for him, it was being busy, enjoying the rush and the noise of the city as he had when he was younger. so, becoming an er doctor felt like the most fitting place for him.
it's not easy- he lands his residency at the same hospital that had saved his life years ago, at the harbour, and the stress of the job tears at him. but he forces himself to continue, to stay clean, to keep going to meetings and keep working. even if it's not for him, it's for his brother's memory- for his family, with whom he's still trying to fix the strain in their relationships.
levi treats every patient like he would treat his nineteen year old self, trying to understand their pain, speaking to them with genuine care and empathy, and giving them every chance he's allowed to give- even if it may hurt him.
while he may be quiet around his coworkers, it's only out of a fear of judgement. the harbour had saved him once, and now, he sees it as his path to redemption. he doesn't want to lose that chance.
