Hey, this is gonna get sad. My new partner is making me realize how bad old ones are without trying, and IDK how to tall to others about it. to vent post I guess?
tw: assault, coercion, and just all the bad relationship things besides physical abuse, kinda (I thought I did, turns out it was defense
I hope the read more added
So I have been dating this person for only 2 ish months. we are in the same friend group, and are poly ( I have met all of their partners and those in the polycule that are not their partners, they are also in the friend group and we have hung out before and after we started dating. Just want to be clear, we all know wo is dating who, and have clear boundaries) and so am I, so this works great. they live with another partner, the one they have had the longest, so I only really get a date night once a week when the live with partner sees another partner and has an overnight. It works great, as I don't have a lot of time in my days to do an in person one on one, but I do not feel neglectful of them by just texting or calling the rest of the week.
So in this small amount of time, they have been treating me so well I want to cry, not from happiness, but from anger. because The basic decency they give I had to bed out of past partners, and how others before and still (when we are not together) treat me they consider rude to a partner or even friend at best, and assault and/or abuse at worse.
Like, last time I slept over, I said I wasn't in the mood for sexual intimacy and just wanted to sleep. they made one verbal joke about me being a brat all night (not uncommon for me lol, and no heat to the comment) and then rolled over to sleep as we cant cuddle and sleep comfortably. I was so confused, as I am used to having to bargain to what I am willing to do that night or 'make it up' to them the next day. They just said 'you said you didn't want to' like that's al it took.
another time, during some sexy time, I safe worded. I was starting to ache and was just going to take a quick break, because usually partners don't want to stop completely, when they just said 'we can stop for now if you want' like it was no big deal. and even more, they held me after making sure I was ok with that and made sure I was OK. they do it like it's second nature.
I don't have to worry about being grabbed by them in public, or asking not to be held close due to over stimulation being seen as I am upset. When I ask to stop or not be touched there or like that, they just listen.
Last week I met someone new and they groped me multiple times. I used to have to scratch and scream to get people to stop tickling me after I said I do not like it and I will hit to get them off. don't even get me started on how people treat my phobia. I am 'cute' when angry, and I guess fun to mess with. I hate flirting for real or discussing sex with others, even though it's a special interest, because If I cannot do what they want, they are upset. I get quilted into doing things with grown ass people since I was 15, and it never ends. I dress femme and how I like, and because I don't want someone to get violent so am not rude or genuinely think they just want to talk them when suddenly they have a hand on my ass, I get this every day.
I am so angry at how others treat me. I used to think it was wierd you had to ask to touch someone, because why should it matter? now I understand,My no is not respected. I so badly want to name those who assaulted me, even just (and doesnt that sound so wierd to say in this) those from agressive comments or groping nonconsensually and especially those who did more. I want to hurt the next person who does it, even though I know they will likely hurt me back. I wat to scream at people who claimed to be friends and left me with known sexual abusers alone. And sometimes, I wish I felt comfortable in longer clothing. but the textures are wrong, it's constricting, I overheat, and I just like to dress up.
Why can I not be heard when I have an opinion? friends and family do it to. like, ya, they hear when I have a preference on drink or food. but when I go nonverbal from a flashback? nobody notices any change or even try to talk to me, They don't care to converse. feel unsafe? they feel fine, so who cares I have to rely on them not to be assaulted and I have to hope they stay close. I have a terrible body image? shut up, you look great, I have real body issues.
Ya, I'll be vocal about minor shit. but anything that actually hurts? why bother? I can't make it funny and it doesn't fit their image of me. And if it's an inconvenience to them, me asking is my fault, but an inconvenience to me, me saying no is my fault.
I just want to stop being viewed like an object. my partner has shown me that's all I've been to many people. Why can't anyone else see that? I am not a doll.
Today was such an emotionally draining day. I had to say goodbye to the man who was basically the only stable father figure in my life and who took me and my brother into his home to help raise us when our mom was having a tough time. I had to watch three of the strongest women in my life break down giving his eulogy and it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to watch.
It’s finally sinking in that he’s not going to be there to watch me, the first grandchild to go to college, graduate college next spring, he wont be there if I, his only granddaughter, get married, he’s not going to be sitting in his little nook in the kitchen watching the deer outside and doing Sudoku puzzles when I go over to Grandma’s house.
I know he’s been sick for a long time but he just kept fighting no matter what. We would always joke that he was going to outlive all of us in the family and still have his full head of hair. He got to go on so many adventures in his life but now he wont be able to tell me those stories.
Goodbye Grandpa, I love you and I miss you already. <3
Summary: Vosim gets worried about what could happen to Dee.
Wattpad
The night was beautiful and clear. A warm summer wind floated carelessly through Vosim's neighborhood, rustling the trees with the slightest whisper. Yellow streetlights cut through the calm of the deep blue twilight, the fifths that formed a perfect open chord. Vosim and Dee were getting ready for bed, feeding the fish in Vosim's kitchen.
Vosim was opening the fish food. "Dee?"
"Yes?"
"What happens if they capture you?"
Dee stiffened. Though they'd spent years suppressing their thoughts, one mention of the inevitable brought them all back. Tens of hundreds of awful memories of wailing police sirens and damp back alleyways, of dirty wigs and people they didn't want to trust wandering by. The sounds of misery that echoed through their head. Of wandering, wandering and never stopping.
"I- I don't know."
"But Dee," Vosim insisted, "you do know. Otherwise, you wouldn't fear it, right? What happens?"
Dee blinked, not facing their boyfriend. "Plenty of people fear the unknown, Vosim," they said stiffly.
"But you don't," Vosim noted. "You always look towards it. You know something, Dee. What happens?"
Dee sighed. They guessed there was no escaping this one.
"Well, they might take me to jail, for one thing..."
"What happens in jail?"
"Bad things, Vosim."
Dee hadn't meant to snap at their partner, but they really hated thinking about all the bad possibilities in their life. It'd taken them so long to focus on what little good there was, that being reminded of all the bad was overwhelming.
"But Dee... W-What if they kill you?"
"They won't kill me."
Vosim saw right through them. "You don't know that-"
"They won't kill me!"
Dee shut their eyes, wrapping their arms around theirself. Somewhere, in their memory, something tricked them into feeling tears well up. But there were none; Dee's eyes were dry. They were always dry.
Vosim finally noticed something was wrong. "Dee... Dee, I didn't mean to..."
Dee didn't respond; their shoulders were hunched, and their head was angled to the floor. They couldn't bear to look at Vosim. They hated it when people thought they were weak. They could handle whatever life threw at them. They'd been through worse times, after all. But sometimes... Sometimes, being reminded of what life could throw at them was too much. Dealing with things just meant you got through them; it didn't mean you got through them smiling, or unscarred. And their past had already scarred them enough.
Dee felt arms wrapped around them, and realized they were Vosim's. Vosim cupped Dee's hands in his, and Dee held them back. Dee made no noise- they'd gotten in the habit of doing things silently, just in case someone heard- but Vosim cooed them with little humming noises while burying his face into Dee's shoulder. Dee wanted to feel better, so they wouldn't need all this intimacy when they were in a dark state, but... it felt kind of nice to have someone there for them, even if it was a weird sort of nice. They wanted to talk to Vosim, but they were scared of their voice breaking and Vosim knowing how awful of a place they really were in, so they kept silent.
Time seemed suspended in some thick liquid while they stood there. What was probably only a few minutes became hours that melted away as the two stood there together in Vosim's kitchen. Dee tried to concentrate on the sound of Vosim's voice humming in their ear, and letting it soothe their circuitry somehow so their voice would stop shaking. They slowly fell through the close contact until they felt somehow connected to Vosim, each small movement of Vosim's echoing through their own body. Maybe the movements would make them feel less empty. Probably not, but it was worth trying. It was always worth a try if that was the cause, no matter how much it never worked.
When they thought their voice had evened out, they spoke, though it still came out shakier than they wanted: "Vosim?"
"Mmm?"
"Look out the window. Look at the stars."
Vosim's head lifted to look out the window.
Though he lived in the city, the stars still shone bright through the atmosphere. When he looked long enough, he found himself understanding how Dee felt so connected, so pulled to them. Each of those stars, he reminded himself, was another Sun like theirs, some even more vast and powerful. And orbiting those suns were more planets, some maybe with life, some even with more friendly robots just like him. He didn't know where he'd read that; a book, somewhere. And if he looked long enough, the real gravity wasn't the one pulling him towards the Earth, but the one pulling him up, beckoning him to reach out and touch them.
"Vosim... No matter what happens to me, as soon as night falls, look at the stars."
He broke his gaze to look back at Dee. "What?"
"Vosim..." Dee was staring at the stars now. There was an intensity to their expression Vosim hadn't seen before. "If something ever happens to me, or even if I'm off running away and you feel lonely, look at the stars."
"But... Why?"
Dee squeezed his hand. "Whenever the sun comes out, it reflects in the atmosphere, its light rays obscuring the sky and turning it a bright, glowing blue. But when it goes down and the stars come out, you can see the rest of the universe, glowing and flickering and fading. And no matter where I am, Vosim, I can see those stars at night too. I'm never really that far from you, Vosim. Even the moon is only a tiny distance when you compare it to the rest of the universe."
"But Dee," Vosim was confused. "What if it rains?"
Dee cooed. "Then the stars come out afterwards and shine just a little brighter than before."
"But... That's only if you're alive. What if you die?" Vosim hugged Dee harder. "If you die, then I'm really alone, Dee!"
Dee found theirself growing stiff again, but didn't let theirself freeze up. Vosim needed them. "Vosim, if I die, look for a new star in the sky. That's me! And I'll- I'll always be shining down on you, Vosim." Their voice was getting shaky again. "I'll always be shining down on you with love and pride, because I love you so, so much, Vosim. I love you so much, and I'm proud of everything you do, and-"
"Dee!"
"Vosim, I'm not going to die!"
Vosim paused. Dee wasn't looking at the stars anymore. They were looking at the floor.
"I- I'm really sorry, Dee."
Dee heard Vosim speak, but the words took a few seconds to process in their head. "It's... It's okay, Vosim. You didn't know better."
Dee turned around and hugged Vosim weakly. Their partner wrapped their arms around them again. Being close to Vosim calmed Dee down a little, but not very much.
"Just... You'll never be alone, Vosim. I'll always be with you. Even if I'm dead, and you think I can't be with you, I will be. I promise. O-okay?"
Vosim nodded. "Okay, Dee."
The two didn't stand like that for nearly as long as before, as Vosim remembered he still had to feed the fish, and Dee didn't want to seem needy. But that night, they left their window open and stared at the sky together. Because even if they were across the Earth, they were still bound from space by the same little spinning rock orbiting the same little yellow star. And for Vosim and Dee, that was as together as they could dream of being.
A good friend loves you
A good friend hugs you
A good friend holds you as you cry
At night when you’re alone
It’s a good friend who grabs you and tells you they love you
A good friend has all the answers
A good friend kisses your cheek when you want to give up
A good friend laughs away the pain
A good friend holds your hand
A good friend hugs you tight when they need comfort
A good friend smiles when they don’t know what to say
A good friend finds their own dose of pain
A good friend hides it
A good friend doesn’t want to listen to sad things anymore
A good friend feels guilty
A good friend hates themselves for it
A good friend doesn’t hate you
A good friend doesn’t hate you...
A good friend loves you
A good friend cares
A good friend is sorry
I am a good friend.
