#this is ... very long

[selkiesparrow]

How were you first introduced to Joanna? What's your favorite song and your favorite album? Oh, and favorite lyric?

I don’t have a very magical story. I listened to musicians that were associated with Joanna or were of similar genre and that’s how I found her, I saw her name and checked her out and fell in love with the moment I heard the first notes haha. I can genuinely say it felt almost like an epiphany lol. As cheesy as it may sound it did feel like I found home. That’s what her music is to me anyway. It helped me through tough times, it hung out with me on the good days too. So even though I don’t have a cool or fun story as my first encounter with Joanna I do find the connection I felt that first moment very special.

Sometimes I get asked about my favorite Joanna albums and songs and I honestly have never been able to give a short or succinct answer. I just cannot do it. I end up just listing all of them anyway lol. I love it all too much. My favorite albums tend to change depending on my mood or where I’m at in my life, what’s up basically haha. They all have specific meanings I relate to each so I lean towards one or the other looking for some solace or guidance (lol I am very cheesy this evening I apologize) depending on that. Recently, I’ve probably spent more time with Ys and Divers because of what I’ve been going through irl. Still, I have listened to so much of Have One On Me this past month too that who knows maybe subconsciously that’s been my favorite. Also, The Milk-Eyed Mender has songs that I’ll forever associate with a specific time and people that made me who I am today and who I’ll love into eternity. See?? I’m very bad at picking faves, I love them all too much. They all have a place and meaning in my heart. Favorite songs, like albums, change constantly. Joanna’s opus is so extensive and everything’s so beautiful to me that I strongly believe anyone can find something meaningful to them personally in any of the songs. I’d say there are songs that are very near and dear to me at all times but I also love discovering and rediscovering new and old loves. Swansea, The Book of Right-On, Sadie, This Side of the Blue, Sawdust & Diamonds, Emily, Cosmia, In California, Baby Birch, Kingfisher, Does Not Suffice, Time, As A Symptom, A Pin-Light Bent, Divers, Goose Eggs... so. many. They’re all very special to me. I just wanna list all of them haha.

Lyrics?! Omg even harder. Some of my favorites: “I killed my dinner with karate — kick 'em in the face, taste the body; shallow work is the work that I do. Do you want to sit at my table? My fighting fame is fabled and fortune finds me fit and able.”, “And the love we hold, and the love we spurn, will never grow cold only taciturn.”, “And yonder, wild and blue, the wild blue yonder looms. 'Till we are wracked with rheum, by roads, by songs entombed.”, “We could stand for a century, staring, with our heads cocked, in the broad daylight, at this thing: Joy, landlocked in bodies that don’t keep — dumbstruck with the sweetness of being, till we don’t be.”, “I wasn’t born of a whistle, or milked from a thistle at twilight. No; I was all horns and thorns, sprung out fully formed, knock-kneed and upright. So: enough of this terror. We deserve to know light, and grow evermore lighter and lighter.”, “Spiders’ ghosts hang, soaked and dangling silently, from all the blooming cherry trees, in tiny nooses, safe from everyone — nothing but a nuisance; gone now, dead and done — Be a woman. Be a woman.”, “Life is thundering blissful towards death in a stampede of his fumbling green gentleness.”, “And if the love of a woman or two, dear, could move you to such heights, then all I can do is do, my darling, right by you.”, “Well, I have sown untidy furrows across my soul, but I am still a coward, content to see my garden grow so sweet & full of someone else's flowers. Sometimes I can almost feel the power. Sometimes I am so in love with you (like a little clock that trembles on the edge of the hour, only ever calling out "Cuckoo, cuckoo").”, “I don't belong to anyone. My heart is heavy as an oil drum. I don't want to be alone. My heart is yellow as an ear of corn, and I have torn my soul apart, from pulling artlessly with fool commands.”, “All my life, I've felt as though I'm inside a beautiful memory, replaying with the sound turned down low.”, “I believe love will always surround you — brave as a bear, with a heart rare and true. But if you are scared, if you are blue, I have prepared this small song for you”, “Driven through by her own sword, summer died last night, alone.”, “But stand brave, life-liver, bleeding out your days in the river of time. Stand brave: time moves both ways, in the nullifying, defeating, negating, repeating joy of life; the nullifying, defeating, negating, repeating joy of life.”, “A goose, alone, I suppose, can know the loneliness of geese, who never find their peace, whether north, or south, or west, or east; west or east; and I could never find my way to being the kind of friend you seemed to need in me, till the needing had ceased.”, “And in an infinite regress: Tell me, why is the pain of birth lighter borne than the pain of death? I ain't saying that I loved you first, but I loved you best.”, “A woman is alive! A woman is alive; you do not take her for a sign in nacre on a stone, alone, unfaceted and fine.”, “But it's mine. Or, at least, it's lent. And my life, until the time is spent is a pin-light, bent.” ... like, how insanely beautiful are all of these lyrics??! (I know it’s A LOT™ but I think if there’s even the tiniest chance of someone reading any of these and falling in love again or wanting to dive deeper into Joanna’s genius or just check out more of her music it’s worth. Dang it, I’ll write out all of her lyrics if needed haha it’s all exquisite heart-wrenching and heart-warming poetry).

... I might’ve overthought it.

[murderedfowl-blog]

ok y’all remember how like two days ago i was cryin in the Least Formal manner abt henry’s coping mechanisms & childish nature well here’s a proper(TM) hc post abt it strap in m’dudes here we go i don’t promise it’ll make sense but y’know i will Try

first  &  foremost , i wanna point out specific traits that henry possesses and then i’ll like... go into depth abt them or whatever but alrighty :

01.  finding jokes  /  amusement in everything , even if it is not appropriate to do so 02.  a desire to please   /  obey based on a perceived reward system ,        even if that reward is simply an absence of punishment  03.  a fear of pain despite desiring death  (  &  an exciting death at that  ) 04.  the idea of ‘ power ’ vs ‘ weakness ’  /  a closer look @ certain fears

k so here we go . . .   first off , if we look at henry’s childhood it was not a happy place.  the closest thing they had to positive companionship was animals , the love of other human beings a foreign affair from their earliest memories. even prior to the institution , things were not good  &  i imagine , that like most children , henry tried very hard  (  at first  )  to gain their parents’ love  &  affections  (  there’s some quote that goes like . . .  ‘ mother  /  parents are god in the eyes of a child ’  &  i think that held true for some length of time ??   they v much wanted to please these beings who brought them into the world bc they were , despite it all , very precious to henry  )  via being a ‘ good child ’ i.e. trying to do as told , regardless of what it was.  while i don’t believe their parents simply dumped them in the woods  (  the translations from jpn supports seem to suggest they did ‘ raise ’ them  )  i do believe they were heavily neglectful , most likely not people who wanted a child at all but got stuck with one nonetheless.  there was nothing henry could have done to make their parents fond of them , but ?? that is not a concept they will recognize until later. 

so with that said , from that henry started to learn this idea of ‘ people pleasing ’ that they address a few times  (  the most prominent ones that come to mind are their comment about ‘ if you don’t trust me , you can just kill me ’  &  some comment that is made to robin about how the only order they won’t obey is ‘ don’t fight ’ , but i’ll address that a bit later on  )  and the concept that they didn’t matter particularly , just the whims of those around them , something that was further expanded upon in the institution they were sent to.

from what henry says , we can assume it was not just an orphanage or place to house ‘ unruly ’ children.  they mention spikes being on the floor  &  in a conversation with olivia they state ‘ It was in this institution my parents put me in, right~ there were quite severe punishments for kids who didn't listen -- that kind of stuff happened~ Now that was painful~ ’ which i am positive instilled in them a sense of obedience , further than that which their parents began.  if you acted out , if you failed to do as told , if you fucked up in any capacity , you were subjected to extreme pain  &  near death experiences  (  & frankly , i’m sure henry did watch some kids die while they were there ; accidents happen  &  no one seemed to care very much for these kids  )  and henry has , without a doubt , been subjected to such pain themselves.  which is where this idea of pain = bad  , death = good likely begins to stem from as well ; pain is a prolonged thing , a very bad thing , a sign that you had done something wrong  &  it could hurt for very long periods of time , whereas death , they began to see , was instant release.  to some degree , they were likely jealous of the kids that died , because at least then those kids were no longer suffering , never having to feel pain again. from this whole experience a lot of shit stemmed , not just that.

beyond just this concept of pain is bad , death is good , & a need to do as told , they were forced to normalize certain things at a very young age , those things being death , murder , blood , violence , pain , punishment . . .  etc , etc. essentially , very bad things.  being a kid , ‘ normalizing ’ them meant . . .  not making them a ‘ comfort ’ per-se , but making them familiar in a way that wasn’t negative.  to fear or hate them would have been too much for them to handle , so it had to become a game or an ‘ okay thing ’  &  as such , henry’s fascination with war  /  blood  / death became a coping mechanism , finding familiarity in such things as it was all they ever really knew and were unable to think of it was ‘ bad ’  (  on some level they are , of course , aware that it is not.  a good thing.  but to face that prospect is to face a lot of other shit that a child simply wasn’t prepared to do  &  that now , as an adult , henry is somewhat incapable of doing at present time bc their mind sort of ... stuck ??? them ??? in a child - like state because maturing was too difficult in the given environment  )  and to a child if something isn’t bad then it must be good  ---  right ?  thus comes the commentary of ‘ i love war ’  &  a general chill attitude toward really morbid shit.  but , beyond that , i think what they really appreciate is that they have this very familiar situation and where they are currently , they are not a victim of it. which brings me to point 04. 

henry is not sadistic , in the sense that they do not find joy in the suffering of others  &  even go so far as to promise quick  &  painless deaths to people important to them b/c they understand that pain is a terrifying , awful thing.  however.  they do enjoy being in a position where they are ‘ powerful ’ i.e. in a position where they can inflict these situations vs. having to merely take them , though i think they vastly prefer like . . .  giving quick deaths vs. painful ones , when they are on the battle field.

essentially henry is a scared child  (  ‘ child ’ they’re an adult but y’know. childlike mentality.  )  who doesn’t want to be hurt anymore but only recognizes carnage as a ‘ norm ’  &  takes comfort in the fact that they now have a position in it wherein they may die , but they’re not a victim.  they feel safer in this familiar environment , the way things are now.  fear , i think , is a big motivator for them and they see a lot of things in a  . . .  not necessarily ‘ black and white ’ sort of sense , but a.  ‘ if this is a thing then x isn’t ’ sort of ?? way ??  and there are exceptions and henry is capable of having in depth conversations abt it but like . . .  they don’t want to lmao ?? not if ur gonna argue w/ them.  so there’s that.

but that also brings me back to the ‘ don’t tell me not to fight ’ point from earlier.  what i personally take that to mean is like . . .  ‘ dont tell me to sit back and be hurt  /  let someone be hurt ’  bc that is , in a way , playing the victim again.  being powerless in this sort of a situation.  while henry is a very submissive person , they desperately don’t want to be hurt or put a helpless situation ever again.  there’s a difference between people pleasing and letting yourself be put into a place where you’re actively suffering  &  can’t do anything about it.

oh yeah also henry is aware they’re coping lmao ,,, they know they use laughter and smiles and childlike behavior and the normalization of fucked up shit to get by , they know it’s not.  actually ok. as seen in one of the convos they have w/ ... owain or inigo idr which rn but it’s one of them.  so they’re capable of mature convos. abt this sort of shit but they : ) don’t like to have them : ) as much as they love oversharing that’s the sort of stuff u gotta like... fish out of them  &  they gotta be close to you before you get to the bottom of that can of worms so.

anyway i’m not sure this post had much of a point and it’s a bit all over the place and maybe unclear in some spots but this is how i chose 2 spend a solid hour of my life so here we are...